Previously on The Fosters Mike, Stef, and Lena rode a unicorn across the screen as they became the first decent parents on ABC Family while demonstrating the proper parenting technique known as putting your kid ahead of yourself. Next week they will join Lena in a forum for the parents of Rosewood called, “It’s all fun and games out of town until your kid dies.” Callie continued her reign of awesome by calling Mariana out for being terrible, and by doing the lesbian processing assignment before going all Will Hunting and burning it in the hall because “do you know how easy this is for me?” Sadly, nothing is easy for Jude who, though only seven years old, had to take the LSATs to get into seventh grade. The poor lamb never stood a chance so Lena did the unthinkable and Ella Montgomery’d him into a passing grade. If she was going to channel the rule breaking behavior of one of the Rosewood English teachers we can all be thankful that she chose Ella over Ezra.
This week we open in the dress shop where Mariana “look at me, look at me” Foster is getting her dress fitted for her Quinceañera. The dress lady wants to be sure that Mariana’s dad is wearing a tie that matches so they can look extra awkward during the father-daughter dance. Mariana and Lena freeze and Lexi tells the lady, without batting an eyelash, that Mariana has two moms. The lady congratulates Mariana on having two moms, by which she means to congratulate herself for being so open-minded and tolerant, and says it’s fine Mariana can dance with her godfather or uncle or any random person who happens to wander by with the appropriate man junk. Lexi, batting a thousand at this point, says “Fuck off, lady, she’s dancing with her moms.” Things are good and awkward as Mariana asks Lena to get a second mortgage for the bedazzling she wants on the boobs of her dress. Stef swaggers into the store late and the dress lady nearly has a stroke because she’s either got some unpaid parking tickets or enjoys some Gayzzoli/Cagney and Lacey role playing in her spare time. Stef kisses Lena and it’s almost too much for her. It’s cool, dress lady, a lot of us have that same reaction to Stef in her uniform.
Back in the dressing room Mariana is lamenting the forced enthusiasm of people trying to be totally okay with the fact that she’s got two moms and how she wishes her life were easier. Lexi laughs at her and says her parents aren’t throwing her a ridiculously expensive party despite the fact that they are, actually, Latin. Er, I mean, Mariana you’re totally latina despite your white mom and your biracial mom and wow did this just turn into an episode about identity and culture?
Something that knows no cultural boundaries is people buying shit they can’t afford with money they don’t have. Stef can’t believe they are paying three hundred bucks for a dress Mariana is going to wear once. Oh Stef, if Mariana ever stops being horrible think of all the other things you will be buying for her wedding. Although she strikes me as the type who ends up with Mr. Collins, so maybe a small wedding and maybe Lady Catherine will pay. Lena’s says that she took home-ec so we can totally hem this sucker up and she can wear it to prom. Just as Stef is asking Lena if they can rein in the expenses, Mariana flounces out with Lexi and asks for a bubble machine. Stef says no, Lena says yes, and in the grand tradition of the Taylors, Lena wins. Sorry Coach, go yell at Tim Riggins, it’ll make you feel better.
In the Foster kitchen, Jude is hacking cucumbers to bits with a small axe. Stef asks Callie how her day was and gives Mariana the unsubtle mom look that prompts Mariana to ask Callie if she wants to take Kelsey’s spot in her court. Mariana opens by asking if Callie remembers Kelsey, and Callie worms her way deeper into my heart by answering “you mean the one who lied and said I sold her drugs?” Never change, Callie. Apparently, Kelsey got herself shipped to rehab so she’ll be back with a “cousin” in no time, getting herself murdered, Callie kidnapped, and then a player to be named later will stab the “cousin” in a lighthouse. You know how they roll on ABC Family.
Callie says sure but seems less enthused at the idea of wearing a gown. Callie it’s all right, you look pretty in your tomboy gear, don’t let oppressive gender norms and your foster sister’s desire for her party to be heteronormative cramp your baby dyke style. Jesus is really supportive and tells her that they get to do a waltz and that it will be fun, like eating glass. Talya isn’t really excited by the prospect of Callie waltzing with her cardigan-wearing, middle-aged boyfriend. When Callie leaves the room, Stef’s spidey sense tingles. Thank goodness for a cop who has a clue. Sam Murray you would do well to hang out with this one, then maybe you would have seen the obvious signs that Cat was shagging Frankie.
Stef is waiting for Brandon when he comes back from dropping Talya back off at the hellmouth. She tells him that he and Callie are foster siblings, so dating would be totally against the rules (and a little icky). He says that’s no problem because he hasn’t seen her magical-tomboy-to-prom-queen transformation yet so he is protected from the bolt of “oh my god she hot under all that surliness and loose fitting clothing.” Stef manages to embarrass him, correct his grammar, and make him carry his brother’s gross sneakers in less than 30 seconds all while wearing the most adorable baseball shirt. She is a mom god.
Lena walks in and chastises Stef for using the word “crap.” Stef asks for a word she should use instead and in my head this is going somewhere really good. I can think of so many words, Stef, so many. Lena deflates and drops onto the couch in response to the imminent arrival of her mother. Stef says Dana is nothing but lovely to her and Lena says that’s because Stef is not Dana’s daughter. Lena tells Stef that their daughter isn’t all that thrilled about dancing with her moms at her big party and Stef is all “pshaw, in these adorable rose colored glasses I see only the best in everyone including our daughter.” Coach, I don’t know how to make it more clear, Mrs. Coach is always right.
Mariana and Lexi are stuffing goodie bags while Callie tries to do her homework. Jesus walks by and gives Lexi a look like he’s Brian Kinney and she’s at Babylon for the first time. They end up making out in the Jack and Jill, Brandon and Brenda Walsh approved, bathroom. Jude tries to brush his teeth only to have Jesus slam the door in his face while putting his face all over Lexi’s. I am distracted by the thought of how much better Jesus’ tank top would look on either of the moms.
Jesus and Lexi agree to tell Mariana about their relationship after the party he walks out of one of the fourteen doors to the bathroom. He pops into his room just in time to see Stef come in. She thanks Jude for massacring the cucumbers and thanks Jesus for pretending to give a crap about his sister’s party. When Stef leaves, Jude is just sitting there, staring at Jesus like some tiny, all-knowing Yoda.
On her way to bed, Stef stops by Mariana’s room and says “you’re not embarrassed to dance with your two gay moms at your party, are you?” Stef’s face is kind of sad as she goes from confident that Lena is wrong to hurt that Mariana can’t deny being embarrassed. The idea of your identity and the ways you are different being a burden for your kids is something you worry about as a parent. But you never imagine the way that their shame or embarrassment of who you are will tear at your heart.
Callie is engaging in the time-honored tradition of eating lunch by herself when down the steps bops Wyatt. His hair is flowing, his denim shirt screams “Donna Martin graduates,” and he opens with “so the food here is so much better than Shawshank, isn’t it?” Because she’s Callie, and not interested in laughing at lame jokes to pad any boy’s ego, she calls him on the idiocy of that opening line. He tries a couple more equally stupid remarks before inviting her to a get together on the beach under the pier where he will definitely, maybe not murder her. Too bad she’s got that quinceañera thing otherwise she would be happy to get killed Saturday night.
Next up we’re at the dance studio and Penny is prancing around telling Johnny and Baby they have to get closer if they want to sell the dance. Callie places her hand on Brandon’s shoulder and he puts a hand on her waist and Talya throws a chair across the room. Penny tells Baby to look into Johnny’s eyes and then fireworks explode (but not in the blinding Jenna way) and an anvil falls on Callie’s head and she realizes that she loves Brandon because he’s tall and plays piano and looks so foxy in his cardigans. What? She watched a lot of Mr. Rogers growing up. You can’t help what turns you on.
Back home, Stef is wearing a… sweater set? She bounces up the steps at the sound of the doorbell and we meet Lena’s mom, Dana, who swoops in and tells Lena that her skin looks good but that she needs some more sun. Stef kisses Lena and tells her that she’s gorgeous and that skin cancer is a thing and so sunscreen all around. The twins come down the stairs to say hi to grandma who says their grandfather is stuck in Paris. Mariana, who is about to have a very expensive party thrown in her honor, whines that she wishes she were stuck in Paris and we all say WE DO TOO! Gram introduces herself to Callie and Jude and is the picture of doting, adorable, and loving. Lena and Stef hang back for a moment and Stef has to pull Lena by the hand to follow Gram and the gang into the next room.
The next day, Lena is in the kitchen looking amazing in a white tuxedo-inspired get up. Stef walks into the kitchen in a green dress that’s cut low enough to be interesting but high enough to qualify as mom appropriate. Stef purrs that she and Lena should dress up for each other more often. This is the first glimpse we’ve gotten of the lusty side of the moms. Look, if this were Bette and Tina they would have ripped each other’s clothes off and made good use of the lovely, sturdy kitchen table. But in the land of parents-pay-slightly-more-attention-to-their-kids-than-the-Dursleys, this is the reality of being a parent. You wish you could freeze time but life gets in the way so you have to store up these little moments of noticing just how hot your wife is and access them later.
But while Stef tries to give Lena a kiss, and a little something to think about during the party, Lena’s too busy checking her phone because she wants to be sure everything is just perfect for Mariana. Stef knows the only thing Mariana cares about is being the center of attention. Accurate.
Dana walks down the stairs and proclaims it a miracle for any black woman to be able to do her hair in fifteen minutes. She then tells Lena she’s lucky not to have that problem and fusses Lena’s perfect hair. Lena bristles at the suggestion that she just rolls out of bed looking that flawless. Lena, if you need a witness I would be happy to see precisely what you look like first thing in the morning. You know, for science. Stef picks up a tray of goodie bags and races out of the room.
Stef runs into Brandon and ask him to take some goodie bags out to the car. While he is picking them up, Cinderella walks down the stairs and Brandon gets zapped by the magic of a dress, some shoes, and a little make-up. He can barely tell Callie how nice she looks with his jaw is so slack. I love a good tomboy-gets-pretty storyline. Hell, there was a time when I practically lived for them, but now they simply confirm what I already thought in high school. Straight boys (at least the ones in movies) are morons. The lesbians realized Callie was adorable and pretty and smart and funny without the flashing neon of a makeover. Catch up, boys.
Talya walks in and sees her boyfriend swooning over Callie and scowls and marks her territory. Once Brandon leaves, Talya Regina Georges all over Callie and it’s gross and ridiculous. She tells Callie that it sure is nice for Mariana to pity pick her for the court since she and Jude won’t be there very long, especially since if Stef and Lena knew about Liam they wouldn’t be thrilled to keep Callie around. Jude walks in and perches like tiny Yoda.
Inside the party, Stef is setting out goodie bags at each place when Mike saunters over, tells her she looks nice and that Lena is a lucky lady. Mike, these are all reasonable compliments but when you say them they make me uncomfortable. Mike hands Stef an envelope with money to help cover the cost of the party. She tries to refuse but he won’t take it back. She thanks him before asking him if he would do the father-daughter dance with Mariana who is mortified at the thought of dancing with her extremely hot moms. I get it, who wants to be upstaged by your mom? Mike is honored by the request and, to his credit, double checks that it’s okay with Stef and with Lena before agreeing. Stef’s smile is tight as she asks and it’s clear she’s hurt but she’s putting Mariana first. Mike tells her that Mariana is lucky to have two such wonderful moms. Jesus wanders over in time to find out that Mariana is not dancing with the moms and he is the face of all of us who agree that this is bullshit.
Mariana and Lexi are getting ready and Lexi presents her with a gift of mementos of their childhood. They tell Callie, who is sitting on the sink and working on the perfect lesbian slouch even in her absurd gown, that Mariana used to wear a princess dress to school everyday until she fell and skinned her knee and ripped the dress. Lexi comforted her and they have been best friends ever since. Lena walks in a gives Mariana her gift, a tiara that apparently was very expensive and a secret from Stef. Aww the family that keeps secrets from each other ends up murdered by A together.
Lexi is telling Jesus that she is being selfish and should be thinking about Mariana’s feelings. Jesus rattles off the Fifty Shades of Me by Mariana. Lexi relents and they make out only to be seen by Mariana. Stef is handing out corsages and asks Mariana if she has seen Lexi. Jesus and Lexi appear from totally different places and refuse to make eye contact. Lexi says she was in the bathroom and Mariana says maybe she has a bladder infection. Stef gives and amazing what the effing crap is going on face before ignoring it to hand out more flowers. She, Lena, and Talya leave so that they can watch as the court is announced. Callie switches from Brandon to a guy who looks a bit like Ichabod Crane and it throws off the announcer dude.
While they stand in front of the crowd they all decide it’s the perfect opportunity to work some issues out. Mike hops up and has a sweet dance with Mariana while the moms look on with forced smiles and arms intertwined while their faces acknowledge the heart-pinching feeling of watching your daughter dance with the man who you (or your wife) used to be married to because Mariana’s embarrassed to dance with a couple of lezzers who actually raised her. Meanwhile, Brandon asks why Callie switched partners and she says his girlfriend thinks that Callie likes Brandon because she has eyes and it’s obvious.
But before we can process that, it’s time for the angry waltz where everyone is mad and working their stuff out in time to the music. Mariana tells Jesus she knows that he and Lexi are making out and talking shit about her behind her back. This is right out of Pride and Prejudice where everyone tries to work out their feelings and carry on a conversation while zipping all over the dance floor and switching partners every three seconds. Let’s call it speed processing. It’s not something you really can hurry so everyone leaves the dance cranky and confused.
Everyone piles onto the dance floor for some executive producer JLo product placement. Mike and Dana head to the dance floor and Lena pulls Stef up. As the grown-ups arrive, Mariana storms off after telling Lexi that they are through as best friends and maybe more in Mariana’s dream world. Talys comes up and rubs all over Brandon like every cat who knows I am allergic does to me. Callie peels off and sits down next to Jude, and Brandon walks away from Talya. Talys follows him to the kitchen where Brandon says Callie told him what Talya did and because Talya isn’t from Rosewood she immediately cops to reading Callie’s journal. Whoops, Brandon didn’t even know about that part. He tells her that they are done and storms off as she calls after him about Liam.
Mariana is re-applying makeup when Lexi appears to try to talk to her. Lexi tries to explain that they weren’t lying, they just hadn’t told Mariana yet. Oh, the closet is a tough place, Lexi. Mariana says the worst part was hearing her brother list all the shitty things Mariana has done and not having her best friends defend her. Hmm, I agree that the itemization was crappy, but also crappy, Mariana, is doing all those things in the first place. It’s not like he lied.
Mike’s at the bar drinking a double shot of “my life sucks, I have no family, and I wish I could change everything.” Stef tells him to pace himself and he tells her it’s a party she should lighten up. The look on her face says maybe drinking in moderation isn’t his strong suit.
Lena and Dana are sitting chatting about the party and Dana expresses her concern that it cost too much. Lena tells her that it’s important for them to provide Mariana with a quinceañera as a way to help her connect to the latino community. Dana counters that Mariana isn’t a part of the community simply based on the color of her skin. Then shit gets real. Lena says that color has everything to do with community membership for black people, according to her mother. This launches a discussion of the differing experiences of people based on the color of their skin. Lena tells her mother that being raised by a black mother and a white father left her feeling like she didn’t belong in either community. Lena says that her mother assumes that her experience of being biracial has made her life easier. Dana counters by saying that Lena will never know what it is like to be a black woman in America. Lena gets up from the table and leaves.
This is a real conversation about the ways in which belonging to two separate groups simultaneously makes feeling at home with either group impossible. Wow, I sure am glad that this is a conversation about race and that we never have these sorts of issues in the LGBT community. It would be terrible to think that we have been exclusionary to those people who don’t fit neatly into the lesbian box. How difficult must it be to not be quite straight enough to fit with the heteros and not quite gay enough to fit with the lesbians? Thank god we’re all so much more evolved than that.
Callie is wondering when Lexi and Jesus happened and Jude Yoda tells her that they’ve had a thing for each other for a while. He tells Callie that Stef and Lena aren’t going to keep them and warns her not to screw things up by dating Brandon. She says she’s not stupid and he counters that sometime she does stupid things. This kid is a regular Jiminy Cricket in his three piece suit. They are interrupted by cute little girl who asks Jude to dance and away they go to cut a very tiny rug.
Lena is outside and she is mad when Stef arrives with their wine. Lena says there’s not enough wine in the world to counteract the effects of her mother who has told her that she doesn’t know what it’s like to be a black woman. Stef scoffs and tells Lena that Dana is wrong. Lena says she wanted to have the big party because she has spent her whole life trying to find a place to belong and, in the grand tradition of parents, is trying to address her own wounds through her daughter. Stef tells her that she knows where she belongs and Lena starts tearing up. Stef says hey, this is Mariana’s party but you can cry if you want to, and it breaks the tension. They laugh like nerds and drink their wine.
Brandon walks out and looks at Callie. She clearly assumes from his look that Talya has spilled the beans about Godot, but before they can talk the moms have something to say to Mariana and Jesus. They show a slideshow of pictures. The moms get teary and the kids get teary. When it ends, they give Jesus a skateboard because nothing says equal treatment for a wedding-sized party like a skateboard. Before they can cut the cake, out comes a mariachi band. They take one big family picture with Callie and Jude included. Callie asks what happened to Talya and Brandon says that he left and that no, he’s not OK.
Mike drinks his drink as he gazes longingly at the family he wishes he had. Brandon and Callie have a moment about Talya. He says he didn’t want to know what was in Callie’s journal because he already knows everything he needs to know about her. Dude, I know your mom is a lesbian but jeez, you might want a date or two before you bring your foster sibling, incest, UHaul out of storage. She, smartly, walks away before they make out. He goes after her but gets ambushed by his drunk dad who hugs him and hangs on him like a girl after a few too many games of pong. Mike says he wishes he could do it all over again so he would be in one of those slideshow montages of family moments instead of alone in his condo. Brandon says he’ll drive Mike home. Meanwhile Callie heads to the beach and stumbles across Wyatt, who makes a rude comment about her dress. We know he’s trouble because someone hands Callie a beer, right out in the open. Danger, Paige McCullers, danger!
Mariana apologizes to the moms for not dancing with them and for being a selfish brat. The moms hug her and tell her that they love her even though she is the Percy-est Weasley of the bunch. Mariana cries and tells them that she should have danced with them and they all go back in and have a nice awkward, three person, dance.
Next week, the moms are talking about sex, baby. Until then, let’s chat about this episode, shall we?
