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“The Fosters” recap (1.03): Mirror mirror on the wall, who is the guiltiest of all?

Previously on The Fosters, Matthew and Marilla agreed to keep Callie and Jude at Green Gables until they could find a permanent home even though they didn’t have enough room and Jude wasn’t big enough to help Matthew in the fields and Callie wasn’t going to be of much use to Marilla in the kitchen. Jesus took the blame for selling his meds because Callie had been blamed for Mariana’s crime and, yeah, I don’t really get why he did it. Mariana is the Josiest of all the Pyes on the show. Who knows, maybe she’ll take Callie up on a dare to walk the ridge pole and break her ankle in the process. Matthew and Marilla let Brandon off the hook because, well, it was stupid to give Diana Barry three quarters of a bottle of anything but he didn’t know it was wine and not a cordial. But Rachel Lynde, er, Mike took issue with it and Stef agreed with Mike and humiliated Lena and will probably be in the doghouse for a decade. Callie denied taking Marilla’s broach and once Jesus confessed to cover for Mariana, Stef and Lena apologized to Callie for not believing her and asked if they could start earning her trust. Two to one Bill finds Callie and Jude a home with Mrs. Blewett but Stef and Lena cave and keep the kids because god knows Stef wouldn’t give a dog she liked to that Blewett woman.

We open this week with Brandon trying to get a turn in the bathroom. Apparently, Stef and Lena’s house is approximately the size of my high school dorm, has the kitchen of an HGTV dream home, but inexplicably only one bathroom. While Brandon waits for Mariana to be done he spies Jesus breaking his punishment by sending sonnets to Lexi via the internet. Or he’s poking her via Facebook. Dude, wait until you’re out of detention and Stef will buy you condoms so you can poke Lexi properly. Brandon tells Jesus to get lost because he’s the smart brother who isn’t going to take the fall for his dumbass sibling. Mariana flounces out of the bathroom and while Brandon is giving her a piece of his mind, tiny Jude skips in claiming he has to pee and then stays for a shower.

Mariana offers to lend Callie some clothes so she won’t have to wear her same three shirts. Callie says “no thanks. I don’t like to wear doll clothes and your frilly crap doesn’t exactly match the look I am going for.” Mariana pulls out a box of jewelry and holds some earrings up to her head while singing “I Feel Pretty” like some Rachel Berry knock off. She sees Callie watching her absurd display and hides the jewelry box in a drawer. Callie reminds her that she is not the thief who stole Jesus’ pills and sold them at school and then let someone else take the fall. Mariana gets defensive because she didn’t ask Jesus to die for her sins or whatever.

Stef is making some appetizing looking cheese sandwiches in Grand Central Kitchen with all the finesse and care of a blackjack dealer. Mariana comes up to complain that she doesn’t like cheese. She actually asks the moms if she can have tuna and I bite my tongue and pull my hands off the keyboard because I will not make a joke about lesbians and…no. I won’t do it. Stef asks where Brandon is a second before we hear him shout and Mariana smirks and says “whoopsie, looks like there’s totes no more hot water, but doesn’t my hair look great?” Salazar Slytherin! I hate that girl!

We’re in the halls of Bayside high and Brandon is complaining to Talya about his cold shower and lack of privacy. She’s still mad that he blew off their sex date and tries to make him feel bad about it. She Lavender Browns him right over to the door of Callie’s classroom and starts kissing him like a slobber mouth. Callie looks away but I can’t tell whether we’re supposed to think she’s jealous or just that she’s have a Marge Gunderson moment and thinks she might barf.

Outside, Mariana and Lexi are chatting about Jesus’ week long detention and Mariana claims she feels bad but she’s just doing the homework for her online “how to be a sociopath” class. Lexi tells her she shouldn’t feel bad because she’s covered for Jesus enough times and it’s not like Mr. ADD pays attention in class anyway. Mariana skips away and Lexi and Jesus do that thing where high schoolers stare at each other longingly because it’s so much more romantic to pretend you are Montagues and Capulets when really all that stands in your way is a Polly Pocket-sized, bratty, twin sister.

Hey Jude, you’ve got a problem. It turns out that Jude can’t just cut the line and get into Anchors Aweigh Charter school even with Lena as his foster mom. The boy has to test in. If he doesn’t pass the test at the end of the week he gets kicked out, separated from Callie, and away from the watchful eye of Lena. I feel like I have seen this scene before. Sensitive educator type with impeccable style and hair that is so perfect that you assume she’s part Veela? Oh Tami Taylor I’ve missed you. Maybe you can save this wee little Epic.

Callie is in Timothy’s class, where Timothy is sporting his best hockey hair and playoff beard for the Stanley Cup finals. They are chatting about The Stranger and guilt. Timothy thinks that everyone has a story inside her and wants everyone to get to journalling about their own brand of guilt. He stresses that no one is going to see what they have written in their totally top secret, personal, impenetrable composition notebooks. Of course, this means that it will be posted online in 3…2…1. Callie is aghast at the notion of writing longhand because for a girl with three shirts and no cell phone she sure is used to having access to all the best computer technology. She ends class by making eyes at a Shane McCutcheon type dude named Wyatt.

On the beach, Jesus plays volleyball. God is his setter, apparently. He spots Lexi and sends the ball flying her direction like a regular Zach Morris. Mariana watches their interaction because she’s sitting off the the side keeping a close eye on Lexi in her short-shorts and tight t-shirt too. Jesus tells Lexi to meet him on the beach the next day when he sneaks out of detention to go to the bathroom. Lena interrupts this charming moment of teen awkwardness by yelling “Foster!” across the sand. She storms over to Jesus, blazer sleeves rolled up like she takes fashion tips from Callie Torres. She reminds Jesus that he’s on detention which means no activities, no sports, no fun because of the whole handing out his psych meds to his classmates. Her tone is borrowed from Boys on the Side and I can almost hear her saying “you hit him in the head with a baseball bat.”

Remember the time when they played basketball on The L Word? Remember how it was the worst athletic display in the history of the world? Yeah, well the next scene is a close second. Brandon, the piano whiz, is at the batting cages with Mike showing exactly why he’s trying for a music scholarship and not being recruited to play baseball. Yikes. While Brandon is busy not hitting the ball he’s bitching about the living conditions Chez Lez. Mike suggests that maybe Brandon might like to come live with him for a while. Mike wants to make up for lost time before Brandon spreads his little wings and goes to whatever college all the 90210 kids went to right up the road. Remember last week when Mike got all worked up about not being consulted on Brandon’s punishment? Of course you do, you can remember lots of things. But Mike clearly doesn’t.

Mariana and Jesus are doing the dishes and Mariana asks Jesus if there is a girl he likes because she thinks they might have the same taste in the ladies. Jesus says no, of course not, he would never like or make out with any of Mariana’s lame friends. Mariana doesn’t look like she believes him because she’s certainly thought about kissing Lexi.

Lena is breaking the news to Jude and Callie about the test he’s going to have to take at the end of the week. Callie has zero confidence in the tyke, but Lena has a plan. She’s put together a study package and she’s going to sit with little Epic and make sure that she gets the 65 she needs to stay.

Stef and Lena and little Jude are sitting at the table. Lena’s helping Jude with his fractions and Stef’s got her serious glasses on while she balances her checkbook. Brandon comes in and Stef asks how the batting cages were, like she doesn’t know her poor baby struck the hell out. He seems a little more unhappy with his lack of athletic prowess than usual, so Lena sends Jude to his room. Brandon tells Stef and Lena that Mike asked him to move in. Stef says well I really think he should have talked to me before renting a UHaul but don’t sweat it, I’ll talk to your dad about the irony of this move after he pitched a fit over us not grounding you last week. And then it gets interesting. Brandon tells Stef that he is going to think about it and her face flutters as she tries to compose herself. As she feels the control slipping she tells him that he’s sixteen and doesn’t exactly have a say in the matter. He gets angrier and asks when he did he ever get a say. He didn’t choose to have her divorce his dad or to have two moms. That creeping feeling of guilty that lives in the back of her mind awakens and she growls that he was five when all of that happened and that should watch it and stop being disrespectful. He claims that she always shuts down conversation when someone doesn’t agree with her before storming out of the house. She yells for him to come back before Lena intervenes and tells Stef that they both need to cool down.

Callie has writers’ block and Mariana asks her if she can just put it away so that Mariana can get some sleep. Callie gives up her shot at having completed homework and turns off the light. Mariana says “you know, I’m not just some selfish bitch” despite everything I have done in the past two minutes and in every minute of every episode of this show. She tells Callie that she sold the drugs to help her birth mother and then is irritated when Callie doesn’t jump out of bed to braid her hair and talk about it. Mariana, the girl couldn’t manage to write a single journal entry, she’s going to need some help with her processing skills.

Stef is sitting in an armchair with a mug. I just assume that unless it is the morning, her mug is probably filled with bourbon. Brandon walks in and Stef tells him that no matter how mad he, is he can’t just walk away. He apologizes and says that he loves having two moms. Stef’s face is almost hard to watch in this scene and Teri Polo does a remarkable job of conveying every emotion with the smallest flicker so we can see everything churning in her mind. When she came out and divorced Mike, she had to have worried about losing Brandon in the process. One of the fears of coming out is all the things you might lose, your friends, your family, your community, and, for Stef, her child. It’s been eleven years and here she is, confronting that fear again as she see Brandon picking his father over her. He may have apologized, he may have taken back what he said, but Stef can’t unhear it, she can’t stop it from feeding the conflicting guilt over exploding her family because she didn’t understand who she was or who she loved. If she had known sooner, she wouldn’t have caused that break but she also wouldn’t have Brandon, which has to add several layers to the parfait of complicated feelings. She buries all of this and tells Brandon that he can choose where he wants to live but her face and the choked sounds escaping from her throat along with the words make my heart ache for her.

Jesus arrives as Stef departs and tells Brandon that the moms will be devastated if he chooses to leave and Brandon counters that his dad will be devastated if he doesn’t. For the first time, we can see the spot Brandon is in with his parents. He can’t win without hurting someone. Jesus looks relieved that it’s not his problem and wishes Brandon good luck.

The next day Brandon is sitting with the devil talking about his choice and Talya says, oh the moms will be fine, they won’t even notice you’re gone. God, she’s terrible. Timothy knows this as he scans their journals to see that they wrote something and notes that he thought Talya would have a lot of guilt. Callie and Wyatt McCutcheon have blank pages and thus they earn a trip to special after class time with Timmy.

Mike and Stef hop out of their cruiser to get some food. The most shocking thing is that Stef let Mike drive. He asks if they are going to talk about the elephant in the car. Stef saunters over to the food truck and helps herself to some coffee. Apparently, her caffeine is on the house. He says that she could have told Brandon no. She’s pissed about being blindsided and tells him that if he does it again she’ll bury him in the DiLaurentis backyard.

He says that it sucks being blindsided and she tells him that if he’s trying to pay her back for figuring out she is gay and leaving him then she’s going to ask their boss for a new partner. He tells her it’s too late for payback and he’s just trying to be a better dad and to be around for his kid before Brandon goes to college. Stef seems satisfied with the response but there’s something weird about the way Stef is with Mike. I’m starting to think that some of it is guilt. She takes a lot of guff from him, and I have to wonder if she doesn’t feel bad for leaving him for Lena or for not realizing she was gay earlier and sparing them both the heartache.

Callie finds Brandon and tells him that ever so helpful Talya let her know that Brandon is moving out. Callie asks if it’s because she and her brother moved in and looks genuinely concerned that they not be the reason that Brandon is leaving his otherwise happy home. Guilt alert! Quick go write it down in your little notebook. He assures her that she and Jude are not to blame but doesn’t really look like he knows the real reason either.

Lexi is waiting for Jesus on a beach. Apparently, her feet a little dirty and she could use the old wash job from the man himself. Jesus tries to sneak out of detention but he runs into Argus Filch in the form of his twin sister who actually thanks him for taking the fall for her. He tells her it’s no big deal and then he runs off in his laser school picture background inspired t-shirt and stares at Lexi before going back to detention. Mariana, cockblocking your brother, let’s add that to the list of how you’re the worst. Later Lexi and Jesus are walking on the beach and she calls him out for standing her up. He says that it’s not a good idea for them to see each other and because of Mariana. Lexi says, that’s bullshit because Ron got over his best friend dating his sister so Mariana will too. He walks off because he’s an idiot.

Callie, Shane, and Timothy are sitting in the classroom and Callie says maybe we’re just not writers. Timothy challenges them to get one thing out of their heads and onto paper because writing is a hostile act that takes courage. Timothy learned motivational speaking on the playground and could have saved time by just calling Callie a chicken. She writes one word, “Liam” on the page before we cut away.

Brandon bounces down the stairs and is surprised when Mike says he is going to cook for them. Stef warns Brandon to be careful if it’s anything other than pasta but despite her jokes about the cooking she looks pained as she closes the door. Lena understands and offers a simple “I know,” a chin placed on Stef shoulder, and shared look. Stef kisses Lena’s cheek, pulls a tight smile, and walks out of the room. I can’t help but be impressed with the writing that is allowing the actors to show what their marriage is without having Shakespearean soliloquies about it. These women have been together long enough to know that a look, two words, and an offered cheek is enough.

Callie is lying on her bed and still writing in her journal. Apparently, Timmy’s pep talk opened the floodgates and Callie’s journalling like an Ezbian. Mariana texts on her bed and eyes Callie with curiosity. When Callie gets up to get a snack she tucks her journal between several other books. Mariana stares at the books but doesn’t move.

Mike pulls a couple baked potatoes out of the oven, tells Brandon they can eat in front of the television, and offers to move his dining room table to make room for Brandon’s keyboard. He does everything but offer to take him to IKEA. We get it, Mike, you really want Brandon to move in. Brandon checks out the ship model his dad made and tells him it’s pretty darn cool. Brandon, those suckers come in a box with directions that little kids can follow. But yeah, go ahead and tell your dad he did such a good job with his paint by numbers. They watch a movie and when Mike says it’s time for Brandon to get home Brandon says he can stay to finish the movie.

Lena is tutoring Jude when Talya arrives to see Brandon. She’s just in time for game night at the Fosters. Stef is thrilled and tells Lena that she is going to lose, but it’s the sexiest trash talk around. We’ll have to imagine the delicious price of losing. By the time Brandon gets back, everyone is around the table ready to start Monopoly. Brandon demonstrates that the buzzkill gene is found on the Y chromosome in this family by announcing that he’s moving in with his dad. Talya looks mighty stoked and Stef excuses herself to get some tea. By “tea” she means bourbon and a good cry.

Callie tries to return the guitar Brandon let her borrow and he tells her that it’s a gift and that she just has to promise that she’ll use it. While Brandon is packing Jesus comes in and starts measuring the room for everything he will need for his swank new Don Draper-inspired bachelor pad. Brandon says it will still be his room. Jesus wants to know how he will survive without Brandon in a house full of women, and Jude. Brandon tells Jesus to stay out of trouble and Jesus comes clean about covering for his dumbass twin sister. Jesus says it’s all worth it because now Mariana knows that their birth mother is a loser and Brandon reminds him that, at some point, Mariana has to fend for herself. Preferably right now, maybe in Jurassic Park.

Callie is yelling at Mariana because she thinks the lying thief is also reading her journal. Mariana denies it and Lena comes running to mediate the dispute. Lena hasn’t learned her lesson in trusting Callie from the whole drug stealing fiasco of–what, two days ago?– and seems to believe Mariana over Callie. Stupid. Callie tells Lena that maybe she doesn’t know her daughter as well as she should. Before Callie spills the beans, Jude walks in and she lets the subject drop. He wants to know why Callie won’t just get along and when she shows him what’s in the journal he understands. He’s surprised that she wrote about Liam. Any chance that in a fit of sadness after the death of her mother Callie murdered Liam, like something out of The Stranger?

Jesus hops onto Mariana’s computer and sees that she’s been chatting with their birth mom again and making plans to meet up. Wow, maybe that detention isn’t looking quite so worth it now, is it bucko?

Callie’s in the courtyard of the school and rips out all the pages from her journal and throws them away. Wyatt joins her in committing this act of writerly hostility. How about them apples, Timmy? Jude is finishing up his test. Lena tells him that no matter what, she’s proud of him but that’s not really the point, is it? The point is that he needs 65 on the test to stay. Lena, pulls a Scalia and scoffs at the notion of recusing herself, and grades the sucker. She’s momentarily devastated when Jude falls short but oh her pencil is just so near and, jeez, it’s just so easy to make that answer into the right one and bingo, he gets a 65. Talk about guilt, Lena. You are going to be journalling and journalling to get over this one.

While a song about breaking walls and crossing lines and the things we do for others plays, Jesus and Lexi stare at each other and he ambushes her in the girls bathroom for an impromptu make-out session amid the scent of imitation Pine Sol. Nothing says sexy like making out in a bathroom.

Lena is folding laundry on her bed when she hears the bouncing of a basketball in the night. It’s Brandon who is hitting all the high notes of The L Word athletic association with an awkward shot that screams, “music is my life!” Stef scoffs at the notion that Brandon is feeling badly about leaving them. Lena sets aside the laundry and tells Coach that she’s got to be the bigger person and that she has to put aside whatever her own hurt feeling are and go help her son. Stef nearly says “but I don’t wanna” but Lena put on her aviators and Tami Taylors the hell out of this scene. Parents put their kids first she says, so suck it up and get out there and help your son. Lena knows Stef, she knows her heart and her mind (and we can imagine every inch of her body). She knows when to offer two words in a soft voice and and when Stef needs a verbal kick in the pants to be the kind of parent she has to be. If you are lucky enough to find that right person and they stick around long enough to learn every piece of you, they know how to pick a moment, they know every tool they have to make you the kind of person or parent or cop or teacher than you want to be. They know how to make you rise to those challenges.

First challenge is to show the boy how to shoot a freaking basketball. Yikes buddy. Stef makes a couple of shots as they talk. Brandon wonders what happened to him with two athletic parents and Stef tells him that he got all the important stuff like being funny, smart, kind, and knowing who he is and what makes him happy. Yeah, seems like Stef might have a guilty spot there with not knowing who she was for a long time. She tells him, while focusing intently on the ball and the basket and anything that is not her son’s face, that he doesn’t have to look after her or his dad or Lena. It’s their job to look out for him.

Mariana watches Callie come into the room and flop onto her bed before telling Callie that she didn’t read the journal. She says she understands what it’s like not to trust anyone, to just be passed from place to place and to have to get to know a new person everywhere she goes. She says she understands what it’s like not to feel safe and not to trust, but that she didn’t read the journal.

Brandon knocks on Mike’s door. Mike’s surprised because Brandon is supposed to move in the next day. Brandon says he can’t move in and Mike’s face is a mirror image of Stef’s when Brandon announced he was leaving. But, like Stef, Mike rises to the occasion. He chokes back his disappointment and says it’s okay and that it was always about Brandon making the choice that was right for him. Brandon cries and grips his dad. While they hug Brandon notices that Mike has rented a piano for him. Mike pulls a smile and assures Brandon he can come play it any time. Jeez, the last time I got this emotional about a piano, Mary-Louise Parker bought it for Whoopi Goldberg. I feel bad for everyone in this; Brandon for being torn between his parents and Mike for being a good dad and coming up short. I didn’t want Brandon to move in with him but Mike’s not a bad father or a bad guy. He wants more of a connection with his kid but not at the expense of his son’s happiness.

Back at home, everyone is waiting to watch a movie, including Talya and Lexi. Stef and Lena appear with popcorn that probably took all of the six burners of their huge stove and twenty minutes to pop. While they pass it out Jude asks for suggestions of the names for a bad guy because he has to write a story for school and he needs a name for a villain. Stef suggests the name of a drug dealer they just busted, Lena suggests her boss’ name, and Talya suggests Liam. God, if that girl ends up murdered, everyone in San Diego will come out to the funeral and cheer.

What did you think of this week’s episode?

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