“The Fosters” recap (1.03): Mirror mirror on the wall, who is the guiltiest of all?


Previously on The Fosters, Matthew and Marilla agreed to keep Callie and Jude at Green Gables until they could find a permanent home even though they didn’t have enough room and Jude wasn’t big enough to help Matthew in the fields and Callie wasn’t going to be of much use to Marilla in the kitchen. Jesus took the blame for selling his meds because Callie had been blamed for Mariana’s crime and, yeah, I don’t really get why he did it. Mariana is the Josiest of all the Pyes on the show. Who knows, maybe she’ll take Callie up on a dare to walk the ridge pole and break her ankle in the process. Matthew and Marilla let Brandon off the hook because, well, it was stupid to give Diana Barry three quarters of a bottle of anything but he didn’t know it was wine and not a cordial. But Rachel Lynde, er, Mike took issue with it and Stef agreed with Mike and humiliated Lena and will probably be in the doghouse for a decade. Callie denied taking Marilla’s broach and once Jesus confessed to cover for Mariana, Stef and Lena apologized to Callie for not believing her and asked if they could start earning her trust. Two to one Bill finds Callie and Jude a home with Mrs. Blewett but Stef and Lena cave and keep the kids because god knows Stef wouldn’t give a dog she liked to that Blewett woman.

We open this week with Brandon trying to get a turn in the bathroom. Apparently, Stef and Lena’s house is approximately the size of my high school dorm, has the kitchen of an HGTV dream home, but inexplicably only one bathroom. While Brandon waits for Mariana to be done he spies Jesus breaking his punishment by sending sonnets to Lexi via the internet. Or he’s poking her via Facebook. Dude, wait until you’re out of detention and Stef will buy you condoms so you can poke Lexi properly. Brandon tells Jesus to get lost because he’s the smart brother who isn’t going to take the fall for his dumbass sibling. Mariana flounces out of the bathroom and while Brandon is giving her a piece of his mind, tiny Jude skips in claiming he has to pee and then stays for a shower.

“OK by my calculations, if you carry the one, yep, you are the worst.”

Mariana offers to lend Callie some clothes so she won’t have to wear her same three shirts. Callie says “no thanks. I don’t like to wear doll clothes and your frilly crap doesn’t exactly match the look I am going for.” Mariana pulls out a box of jewelry and holds some earrings up to her head while singing “I Feel Pretty” like some Rachel Berry knock off. She sees Callie watching her absurd display and hides the jewelry box in a drawer. Callie reminds her that she is not the thief who stole Jesus’ pills and sold them at school and then let someone else take the fall. Mariana gets defensive because she didn’t ask Jesus to die for her sins or whatever.

Stef is making some appetizing looking cheese sandwiches in Grand Central Kitchen with all the finesse and care of a blackjack dealer. Mariana comes up to complain that she doesn’t like cheese. She actually asks the moms if she can have tuna and I bite my tongue and pull my hands off the keyboard because I will not make a joke about lesbians and…no. I won’t do it. Stef asks where Brandon is a second before we hear him shout and Mariana smirks and says “whoopsie, looks like there’s totes no more hot water, but doesn’t my hair look great?” Salazar Slytherin! I hate that girl!

“Did she just ask for…? Yeah.”

We’re in the halls of Bayside high and Brandon is complaining to Talya about his cold shower and lack of privacy. She’s still mad that he blew off their sex date and tries to make him feel bad about it. She Lavender Browns him right over to the door of Callie’s classroom and starts kissing him like a slobber mouth. Callie looks away but I can’t tell whether we’re supposed to think she’s jealous or just that she’s have a Marge Gunderson moment and thinks she might barf.

Outside, Mariana and Lexi are chatting about Jesus’ week long detention and Mariana claims she feels bad but she’s just doing the homework for her online “how to be a sociopath” class. Lexi tells her she shouldn’t feel bad because she’s covered for Jesus enough times and it’s not like Mr. ADD pays attention in class anyway. Mariana skips away and Lexi and Jesus do that thing where high schoolers stare at each other longingly because it’s so much more romantic to pretend you are Montagues and Capulets when really all that stands in your way is a Polly Pocket-sized, bratty, twin sister.

Hey Jude, you’ve got a problem. It turns out that Jude can’t just cut the line and get into Anchors Aweigh Charter school even with Lena as his foster mom. The boy has to test in. If he doesn’t pass the test at the end of the week he gets kicked out, separated from Callie, and away from the watchful eye of Lena. I feel like I have seen this scene before. Sensitive educator type with impeccable style and hair that is so perfect that you assume she’s part Veela? Oh Tami Taylor I’ve missed you. Maybe you can save this wee little Epic.

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