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“The Fosters” (1.02) recap: You lie, Stef. You lie.

Previously on The Fosters, Lena and Stef of number four, Foster Drive, were proud to say they we not perfectly normal, thank you very much. Dumbledore left a 16-year-old on their front steps and then the trouble started. Mariana Parkinson started stealing her twin brother’s meds to sell for money to buy herself a new quidditch broom. Just kidding. She was hoping it would buy her way in with the cool kids and with her birth mom. Brandon Diggory, played some beautiful music and nearly got to be head boy. But then he got distracted by Callie’s sad puppy eyes and followed her into the Shrieking Shack to try to save her brother, Colin Creevey. Before Scabbers could blow his head off, Mama Lupin and Papa Snape arrived in time to save the day. Stef was a sucker for a hero type troublemaker, and Callie looked like she might make a great seeker, so she told Lena that Callie and her little brother were both coming home to four, Foster Drive. She might have a big heart beneath the gruff exterior, but she also hates losing the House Cup to Papa Snape.

Stef and Brandon are having a heart-to-heart about that time he almost got his head blown off. Lena thinks that Brandon sees the error of his ways and that staring down the barrel of a gun the night before is punishment enough. Stef was ready to drop the hammer and ground him for like two whole weeks, but then she decided that she would like to get laid this century so she’s going with Lena’s suggestion. Stef, I feel you. Our house works best too when we all agree that my wife is always right. Welcome to the “I’m Coach Taylor in this relationship” club. Buckle up and get ready to be wrong, all the time.

Stef walks into the kitchen and wonders where the hell Mariana has gone. She had a touch of trouble in the bathroom and her hair looks like Moaning Myrtle gave her a swirly. She whines about not having time to fix it before school and how it’s so unfair for her to have to go anywhere with it like that. I can see how living in a house with Lena’s hair would make anyone feel bad, but Mariana shut up. Stef is clearly a witch because she can cook pancakes while sitting outside disciplining a teenager. As she tries to dole them out she nearly gets run down by Jesus on his skateboard. She reminds him to take his Ritalin. He fakes taking it because he’s only got a couple pills left and is, inexplicably, covering for Mariana. The kids have to skedaddle because Stef and Lena are talking with Bill. Callie looks nervous but Lena does that thing with her face where you would believe her if she said she is an angel so believing her when she says she won’t let Callie and Jude get split up again seems like no big whoop.

At school, Mariana hates her hair, Jesus takes a girl’s bag because telling her she’s pretty is so hard to do, and we find out that Malibu Stacey is the one buying the pills from Mariana. Mariana tells the girl Jesus noogied that meeting her birth mom kind of sucked. The girl, Lexi, tells her to cheer up because at least she won’t have to invite her to her Quinceanera. All the lesbians think:

And everyone knows, if you give a lesbian a Shane, chances are she’s going to think about Carmen and if a lesbian thinks about Carmen she’s going to ask you to – wait, where was I?

Stef and Lena are sitting in their beautiful kitchen talking about what they want to do about Callie and Jude. Lena is having a hard time forgetting about seeing a man pointing a gun at her son and her wife. She knows it’s absurd to think but mostly she imagines Stef writing parking tickets or rescuing kittens from trees. Stef’s a little offended that her wife has her confused with a meter maid/cartoon firefighter but tries to push away Lena’s concerns because in order to do her dangerous job she can’t be thinking about how dangerous it is.

Despite generally agreeing with Sean “it’s not your fault, Will” Maguire, Lena can’t help but connect that danger with Callie. Stef protests, saying that rushing into a house with her gun drawn is her job, it’s what she does. Lena does not like that her little imaginary world where her wife is not in harm’s way all day every day, has been shattered. Rather than dealing with the consequences of loving someone who has a dangerous job she’s deflected that fear and blame on Callie. Sorry Lena, but this is the price of loving a lady in uniform.

Before they can finish their chat, Bill arrives to talk about what to do with Callie and Jude. Back at Bayside, Talya sees Callie and circles around her like a hyena before finding Brandon and humping his leg. She’s annoyed that Callie is getting to stay but figures Brandon totally won’t develop a gross crush on his foster sister if she puts out so she confirms their date for Friday when her parents will be out of town (or Ravenswood, which may or may not be the same thing).

Bill is sitting at the kitchen table, apparently the only place in the Fosters’ house with working chairs, and fills everyone in on Callie’s backstory. Her mom died when she was ten and she and her brother haven’t been anywhere for more than six month since then because stuff just keeps happening to them. First, it was a snake at the zoo, then it was Aunt Marge blowing up like a balloon, then there were unconfirmed allegations of house elf shenanigans. Lena’s like, oh so last night is something we can expect on the regular? Bill apologizes and says it’s his fault for not connecting Callie with her brother. The upshot is Bill wants a permanent home for Callie and her brother Sam Weir/Lance Sweets, but Lena and Stef already have three teenagers. But Stef stares lovingly out the window at the joy that is a child who has not yet hit puberty.

Lena is in her office with Jude and he’s all jazzed because maybe he’ll see Callie in the hallway. She Tami Taylors for a bit about how she’ll always be there if he needs her. They are interrupted by Timothy “I ask stupid and heavy handed questions about Kafka,” who has found a note that says Miss Norbury is selling drugs. So they go on a locker search. Hooray! I love hide and seek! The security guard who is doing the search does not go to Stef’s tailor and his uniform does not give me the same tingly feeling. Lena, why don’t you pop it on and see how we do. Much better. Anyway, Mariana and Malibu Stacey are freaking out about the search and Stacey pulls the old “those medicines are for my very real lady problems, sir” trick to get him to give up. Jesus pulls on his Captain Obvious underoos and tells Mariana she better hope none of the people she’s dealing to is keeping the pills in their locker.

Mike walks up to Stef at their cruiser and says he got the report filed. She pats him on the head and says “good boy” before tossing a treat in the passenger’s seat because she’s driving. They have a nice cozy conversation about the appropriate punishment for Brandon and Mike is pissed that Brandon isn’t getting grounded. Stef makes the mistake of saying “Lena thought” before saying why they aren’t grounding him and Mike goes off. He calls Lena “hippy dippy,” belittles her PhD, and says that they need to set boundaries so Brandon won’t do anything so stupid again. Stef protests, rather weakly for someone who generally takes zero shit from anyone, and Mike ends his chest pounding session by telling her that they should have talked to him before they punished Brandon. Stef, girl, you know I love you but you have to present a united front. If it was Lena’s idea and you agreed, guess what, it’s your idea, too. Don’t try to hide behind Lena. Mike, dude, I get it, every parent has vented the terror over seeing your kid in harm’s way as anger, but directing that toward Stef and Lena just makes you seem like a child.

Lexi and meathead number one are walking down the hallway and he’s trying to convince her to go out with him again. When he won’t take no for an answer Jesus jumps in. The guy calls Jesus a crackhead and then they start shoving each other before Timmy can break everything up.

Callie sneaks down a hallway, past your standard issue bird bath, and taps on the window of Jude’s classroom. He raises his hand, because he’s adorable like that, and then meets her in the hallway. Callie asks him if he’s OK and if Bill told him anything. Jude says Bill said “hi” and we all realize that Jude is adorable but not the sharpest tool in the shed.

Lena is asking Jesus why he got into a fight. He says that the guy was hassling Lexi. Lena notices that he’s bouncing around in his seat, his leg jiggling a million miles an hour. She asks him if he took his pill and he says yes and, jeez, can’t he just have a bad day without it turning into a psychiatric event? Lena says yes, but knows he’s full of crap but lets him go anyway with a warning that if he feels like beating someone up he should take a deep breath instead. As he leaves the security guard comes into the office and Jesus looks a bit nervous.

Mariana is waiting outside the office and asks him about getting in a fight. He tells her he’s been skipping his meds so she won’t get into trouble and is feeling a bit jumpy. She tells him to calm down so they won’t get into trouble. He’s like there is no we, dumbass, you’re the jerk selling my meds. And you’re welcome, for covering for you, by the way. Mariana and Mike are now tied for the actual worst.

Callie’s lounging in the music room avoiding the politics of the lunch tables and certainly not waiting to gaze at Brandon’s soulful, musician’s eyes. She asks if his moms are always so cool about breaking the rules or if they went easy on him because his biggest offense is wearing a grandpa cardigan while still a teen. She picks up the guitar, as every girl or boy who has ever wanted to get laid in high school does, and plays a few chords. She tells him that she hasn’t played in a while but that her mom taught her to play before she died. Talya shows up at the door just in time to see Brandon put his hand on Callie’s leg to comfort her.

Stef comes scurrying down the steps and into the room where Lena is flipping through a magazine at her craft table. Stef gives Lena a quick, “Mike is right behind me because he wants to talk about Brandon’s punishment” heads up before Mike comes in, puffing out his chest and trying to seem extra manly and authoritative. Stef tries to set the tone by saying that Mike thinks Brandon needs to be punished and Lena responds with the a PowerPoint presentation of all the reasons why a punishment isn’t appropriate.

Mike counters by grabbing his balls and telling her that her opinion is irrelevant because he’s Brandon’s dad and Stef is his mom and Lena is just some lady. Stef is trying to keep the peace but failing miserably. Lena is, rightly, pissed at being dismissed. She asks Stef what she thinks and Stef says Mike has a point. Duuuude, you cannot side with your ex over your wife. Rookie mistake. Send us a postcard from Sofa City, I hear it’s lovely this time of year.

Brandon bounces in and sees the quorum of parents and wants to know what’s up. When they tell him he’s being punished he flips and says he made plans. Mike continues his reign of douchery by being sarcastic. Brandon asks since when Mike cares since he only ever calls every couple of nights to talk for five minutes. He storms off, but not before asking them to let him know who he’s supposed to be taking orders from. Mike leaves and when Stef tries to talk to Lena she walks away too. Worst. Three-way. Ever.

Jesus is in his room blasting music, watching videos, flipping through photos, and messaging a friend. Jake Gyllenhaal rolls up with his drug rep suitcase full of meds and does a quick infomercial about psych meds for everyone at home. Let this be a lesson to all you kids in TV land, take your medicine, don’t sell it for cash, no matter how much money the cool kids will give you. Mariana comes in and tells him to take the rest of his meds and then tells the moms he dropped the rest down the drain like the old lady in Titanic. She finally apologizes but it’s lame and half-hearted and she’s still the worst.

Downstairs, away from dysfunction junction, Callie is helping Jude with his homework by telling him the answers. He asks how long they are going to be with this family and she tells him she doesn’t know. Also not long for this house are the poor cucumbers Lena is massacring in the kitchen. It’s much more Lizzie Borden than Top Chef. She waves the knife around as she tells Stef that she’s never felt so much like a step-mom. She says if this is going to be the way it goes in the future she is going to be fun mom, the cool mom, the good times stepmom. She’s going to offer the kid booze and cigarettes and maybe a little heroin.

Stef tries to explain that it wasn’t OK for them to make such a big decision without Mike and how would Lena feel if someone made a decision about the twins without her. Stef, you are an idiot. Finally Lena says, “you humiliated me in front of Mike.” Stef says, “Well you asked, what was I supposed to do.” Lena, speaking for everyone watching “you lie, Stef. You lie.” God, Stef, this is really Relationship 101 here. She apologizes and then says that it’s not easy for her to be in the middle and that everyone is just doing their best to deal with the situation. Stef, you’re soooo not forgiven. Stef, if you need to come over to my house for a primer in how to say you’re sorry after you’ve done something stupid, I’m kind of an expert. First assignment, practice saying “my wife is prettier and smarter than I am and she is always right.”

Stef goes up to talk to Brandon who knows that he was wrong and what he needs to do to fix it. This kid seems to basically parent himself so, you know, he’ll be on meth by the end of the season. Stef notices he’s got his guitar out and asks if he’s playing again.

Jude walks in and asks if he can help Lena because unless a family is going to send them away right away they usually give out chores. Oh man, kid, right for the heart. Lena hands him some salad forks because this family eats nutritious, three course meals complete with enough silverware to make Vivian Ward’s head spin. While they over set the table, Jude asks if Lena and Stef are married. They are married in their hearts, but not legally. He says, “Well that’s basically the same thing, right?” Oh tiny unicorn, if only.

It’s family meeting time! Turns out they don’t have space to keep Callie and Jude long term so they are going to put all the kids into the Hunger Games and keep whoever lives. Bye, Mariana. nice knowing you. They are going to keep Jude and Callie until Bill can find them a permanent home so as of the next day Jude will be in with Jesus and Callie in with Mariana. Mariana’s stink face amazing.

Jesus is busy making space in his room, that looks a lot like A’s lair, when Lexi comes over to see Mariana. Lexi makes a quick stop at Jesus’ room to thank him for sticking up for her. He stares at her for a moment before kissing her. Mariana ruins everything, again, and takes Lexi away. Mariana and Jesus bitch about having to make room for Callie and Jude and Mariana suggests they put them in the dining room. Brandon says why stop there, maybe we can put them under the stairs like in Harry Potter? Jesus bitches that Brandon can be welcoming because he isn’t losing anything. Teenagers are so charming and so blinded by their own shit that they find it impossible to see the irony of being so unwelcoming to a brother and sister who need a foster home. Who does that sound like? Think, think, think. Dumbasses.

The next morning, Talya is bitching about Brandon getting grounded and wants to know why Callie’s not going back to juvie. Stop trying to make “juvie” happen, Gretchen. He asks if she’s jealous and she says “no, absolutely not, the opposite of jealous. Why would I be jealous?”

Stef is back on the beat, driving Miss Daisy, and chatting about Brandon. Mike says that Brandon was right and that because Stef and Lena are the perfect parents that he just handed over the reins to his kid to them because they’re awesome. He doesn’t want to do that anymore and wants to be more involved. Buddy, I’m all for you to be involved in your kid’s life but if you ever talk to Lena that way again I will cheer her as she verbally (or any other way she choosing) eviscerates you. We’ve seen what she can do to a cucumber, you might want to watch it.

Callie braves the lunch table scene and Malibu Stacey starts reading Callie’s page in the burn book. Callie smiles because Malibu Stacey is too lame to warrant a retort and ends up sitting with Talya. Talya starts in with a thousand questions about where she’s from (Africa) where she went to school (home schooled) and where she got her bracelets (mom made them). God, I hope Tina Fey is getting royalties from this scene.

Malibu Stacey is in the bathroom snorting some Ritalin, and Lena walks in. She hears the snorting, rolls her eyes because between Mike, Stef, and their 47 kids, she’s had it with shenanigans. She walks to the door to the hallway, opens it and lets it shut. Out walks Stacey with white powder all over her. She’s surprised to see Lena standing there (and I’m shocked that three other Liars didn’t come out of the adjacent stalls). Lena tells the girl she has some white shit on her nose. She wants to know what it is and who gave it to her and she can either tell Lena or the police.

Jude, Callie, and Mariana are walking home from school when Mariana sees that both the moms are home. The jig is up, right? Wrong! They want to talk to Callie. Can we take a moment to appreciate how fierce Lena is with her arms crossed? Malibu Stacey pinned the whole thing on Callie. The moms ask if she’s been stealing Jesus’ meds and when she denies it they ask why the other girl would make it up. She says that she’s just an easy target and the moms ask her to go so they can chat. Stef asks Lena what they should do and Lena suggests calling Mike. Lena, I love you, seriously, and not just because I’m obsessed with your hair. She says that Mike actually called her to talk, and when Stef asks what they said Lena smirks and says that it’s between her and Mike.

Jesus and Brandon are bro-ing out and Jesus tells Brandon that if Talya is jealous that he needs to make some sort of grand gesture. Brandon says “but I’m grounded and I don’t want to lose any house points by sneaking out.” Jesus laughs at him and Brandon tell Talya that he’ll sneak out later. He tells Talya “I don’t care if I get caught, it’s worth it.”

Mariana wants to know why Callie didn’t tell on her. So do we all. Callie says that the moms wouldn’t believe her and Mariana almost looks like she feels bad. Mariana walks into the kitchen and looks torn. Jesus comes to talk to Mariana in her room and she tell him that she doesn’t want their moms to be mad at her. She tells him that Ana just took the money from her and she realized at least she has two moms who love her but that they will hate her for dealing drugs. They’ll probably cancel my Quinceneara. Ugh Mariana. You suck.

Brandon gives Callie guitar lessons. He tells her where to put her fingers and how to move her hands on his guitar. Ick.

Mariana is about to confess but Jesus jumps in to save her and confesses instead. He says that he got sick of everyone telling him to take his pills all the time and that he has been putting them in his pockets. Some one asked to have one so she could work on a paper and then it got out of control. Stef glares at the twins in a way that makes me think that she knows Jesus is lying his ass off.

Stef and Lena find Callie and apologize for not believing her. Trust, they tell her, in something that has to be earned that they would like to start earning hers. The night ends with Callie putting Jude’s clothes in a drawer, Lexi texting Jesus to tell him he’s a dumbass for taking the blame for his sister, and Callie and Bradon making beautiful music together. He lies to Talya to say he can’t come.

The moms lie in bed, Stef reaches her hand back toward Lena and Lena reaches out to grab it. Lena may have reached for Stef’s hand but her face doesn’t look like she’s forgiven anyone just yet. But the moment of reaching out, hoping that Lena will reach back felt right to me. Stef has apologized to Lena but she knows that Lena isn’t over it and hopes that maybe they can bridge that chasm of sheets and blankets and hurt feelings between them in the bed by interlacing their fingers and holding on. They come back to each other, even when they are mad, even when they fuck up, even when they disagree, and even when they can’t find the right words to undo the hurt they have caused.

The actors who play the moms have talked a lot about how great their on-set chemistry is and I think it’s started to come across in this episode. They feel like real moms who have some serious challenges when it comes to parenting their kids (*cough* Mike *cough*). Stef punctuates her conversations with “love” as a term of endearment for all of the members of the family. It comes across as almost unconscious, as though she can’t help but soften her words for them, whether it’s to apologize to Lena or to read Brandon the riot act. These are the moments that make this show feel authentic to me. It’s not the big sweeping declarations about love and family and how we’re all the same. It’s these quiet moments that we might not notice at first that fill the background of the picture with richness and depth and the feeling of being a family. To drive a television show like this you need big drama, you need chaos, but for this show to have the heart we’re all hoping for, it will have to keep finding the quiet within the chaos.

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