Your first girl-on-girl kiss means nothing. You aren’t really a lesbian until you’ve been hit with food poisoning at a vegan potluck you attended with your ex. Here are 14 such episodes that prove I’m gay.
The time I came to terms with my sexual identity while majoring in Womens Studies and performing in a production of The Vagina Monologues at a liberal Midwestern College.
The time I was on speaker phone with my ex-girlfriend while she and her current girlfriend drove to dinner to celebrate their one year anniversary. When I paused to order tea at Starbucks, I heard in the background, “I can’t believe it’s been one year,” then we went back to discussing my romantic life.
The time a giant nose-studded lesbian shoved me at an Ani Difranco concert.
The time in high school when I tried to convince my boyfriend we shouldn’t break up by writing him a 12-page letter and insisting we discuss it while taking a three-hour walk. It counts because of the protracted processing and the fact that he was wearing Tevas, a plaid shirt, cargo shorts, a leather jacket and this renaissance fair-style leather strap around his head that day.
The time I went to an L Word viewing party with my drunk bisexual friend and the girl I liked and my friend told the girl’s best friend I was interested in the girl and the girl gave her leftover burger to her ex-girlfriend who I hadn’t realized till then was at the next table and then Bette made that face where she looks like she’s about to cry before lecturing some homophobic philistine about modern art.
The time I attended three Lilith Fairs in one week.
The time I moved in with my girlfriend after only six months because lesbians earn less than gay men so I was broke and also because I didn’t trust her to find a new roommate who wasn’t a former addict.
The time I taught a spin class the playlist for which included Tegan and Sara and Lesbians on Ecstasy and a dyke in the back gave me the lesbian nod when “Pleasure Principle” began.
The time I went to see High Art twice in a row with a “friend” and afterwards it started to rain while we waited for the bus and we stood under her umbrella and stared at each other for 20 minutes and nothing happened until we had sex three weeks later.
The time my girlfriend and my ex-girlfriend took their dogs camping together.
The time my then girlfriend and I met a pair of women and their husbands at an Indigo Girls concert and my girlfriend got into a pissing match with one of the men because she thought he was after her spot directly in front of Emily but actually he was just kind of randomly surly and so was she and I thought the women were sisters but a year later they left their husbands for each other and went on to see a bunch of concerts with us and sometimes we’d all get into fights about whether Starbucks or indie coffee shops were better and other times we’d just go to the beach or something.
The time(s) I went to yoga with Carol Anshaw and then bought organic fruit afterwards.
The time I played Liesl in a college production of The Gay Sound of Music and the woman portraying Maria had to mime going down on me and even though her face was actually a foot away from me I instinctively told her “a little to the left.”
The time I wrote a novel about obsession.