Watch Now! Lady Gaga, Amber Heard, Jessica Alba, and Sofia Vergara in the “Machete Kills” trailer

We were on board with Robert Rodriguez’ Machete sequel — Machete Kills — as soon as Amber Heard signed on, but every bit of casting news that followed was like the queerest mana from heaven. Lady Gaga was going to play a nun. Jessica Alba was going to play someone called Sartana Rivera, which is very nearly perfect mash-up of the names Naya Rivera and Santana Lopez. Plus, you know, Sofia Vergara‘s machine gun boobies and Vanessa Hudgens‘ face and Zoe Saldana‘s general perfection. Well, the teaser trailer for the star-studded slasher ballad has arrived at last, and here it is in all its peculiar glory:

 

Just a quick note: When Michelle Rodriguez said that it’s “taco time,” she was talking about literal tacos, OK? She was talking about the traditional Mexican dish of a flour or corn tortilla rolled around a variety of meaty and cheesy and vegetable-y fillings. She was not saying “taco” as a euphemism for “vagina” like some people do. Because Michelle Rodriguez is not into vaginas, all right? She’s into penises. For her, it’s ding dong time all the time. She prefers bratwurst. Kielbasa is her deal. Big Italian salami? She’ll take two. Corn dogs? Pile those things on her plate. Poke her with a pork sword, tickle her with a pickle. But when she says “taco,” she means “taco the actual food.”

What do you think of the Machete Kills teaser?

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