Is telling a lesbian to pick up the pace on her courting or stop centering her summer around Pride week the equivalent of instructing a jew not to send out for Chinese food on Christmas or a Catholic to quit feeling guilty about sex? Is there such a thing as lesbian culture and are beaters and mom jeans cultural signifiers? I’m too tired of lesbians counting me out because of my nail length to think about it. You be the judge.
1. Wearing thick brown belts with cargo shorts.
2. Straight girls.
3. Calling their pets “fur babies.”
4. Prolonging break-ups.
5. Making jokes about sushi.
6. Getting drunk at Indigo Girls concerts and professing love to Amy Ray.
7. Employing rainbow flags in their interior design.
8. Expressing attraction to Ryan Gosling.
9. Expecting to make money in the non-profit world.
10. Writing coming out stories.
11. Defining themselves solely by their sexuality.
12. Being closeted.
13. Refusing to meet the eyes of other lesbians at Home Depot.
14. Dragging me to Home Depot.
15. Implying that anyone who likes penetration is straight.
17. Assuming femmes can’t top.
18. Waiting to be certain.
19. Moving in too early.
20. Moving out too late.
21. Asking servers at health food restaurants too many questions about quinoa.
22. Using one relationship as a bridge to the next and the next and the next and…
23. Unironically sporting haircuts from 1980.
24. Thinking a Ford Escort is retro cool.
25. Emulating Justin Timberlake. It’s over.
26. Talking shit about bisexuals.
27. Asking me what I’m thinking.
28. Anthropomorphizing their cats.
29. Building nests instead of having sex.
30. Painting abstract pictures of vaginas.
31. Wearing the concert T-shirt at the concert.
32. Using dildos shaped like dolphins.
33. Popping their collars to look hip.
34. Forcing me to go camping.
35. Wearing Crocs, Keens or Tevas.
36. Expecting their partners to read their minds.
37. Believing that long hair=femme.
38. Waiting for Shane.
39. Talking about Rachel Maddow. Just for five minutes, please.
40. Fearing their girlfriends will leave them for men.
41. Getting wasted before making a move.
42. Ditching their friends when Cupid’s arrow lands.
43. Discussing their camping gear.
44. Purchasing too many types of tea.
45. Tipping poorly.
46. Validating the U-Haul joke.
47. Reinforcing humorless stereotypes.
48. Clipping their phones to their belts.
49. Owning more than three dogs.
50. Passing judgement on what other lesbians do.