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“All My Children” recap (May 20-24): Lezbo Princess

This week, All My Children began their abbreviated schedule of Monday and Wednesday airings. Viewer’s habits have changed, and it appears AMC has taken note of this and is trying to go with the flow. While the shortened week did give us fewer Bianca scenes than we’d like to see, the Bianca we did get was pretty damn epic.

Last week, Miranda walked out on her mother during a heated discussion about JR. Bianca, fresh from her heart-wrenching sojourn with Dr. David, arrives at the Chandler house to finish where she and Miranda left off. Bianca tries to be hip and break the ice, which is awkwardly adorable. Miranda dismisses her once again and says she’s over it. Well, too bad, because Bianca isn’t. She digs in her heels and AJ gets the hint and flees. He is a smart boy, that AJ. It’s too bad he’s probably going to be a sociopath when he gets older.

Bianca tells Miranda how much she cares about AJ, and how she fully expected to be his other mom. In spite of this fact, she can’t allow Miranda to be subjected to the horror that is JR Chandler. Miranda just rolls her eyes, which usually happens about every 10 seconds anyway. I swear, if you made a drinking game out of how often her eyeballs swirled around in their sockets, you’d be drunk before the first commercial break.

She tells her mother that if AJ needs her, she’s going to be there for him and there isn’t a damn thing Bianca can do. Bianca is obviously distraught about taking Miranda away from AJ, but when it comes to protecting her baby fawn, Mama Bianca will pull all the stops. Even if that means locking Miranda away in her room. I would be completely OK with this – just saying. Then Miranda pulls out the big guns. She says that it’s been five years, Marissa is still dead and maybe Bianca should just get over it. This is what it looks like when you get punched in the heart.

Once Bianca can breathe again, she tells her daughter that JR is the destroyer of all things kind and good in this world (i.e. Marissa) and Bianca can’t forget and won’t forgive him for that. Of course, that is the cue for JR to hobble into the scene. He’s wearing the customary uniform of the douche-nozzle, a hoodie and Members-Only style jacket. He’s rather spry for a guy whose muscles have been atrophying for five years, but that’s how we do it on AMC. He’s accompanied by Dixie and Brooke.

Bianca approaches JR, and all the pain she’s been holding inside for five years comes rushing out in one, tremendous slap. With the walls of her grief breached, she loses all control and has to be restrained by Dixie.

JR stands there and takes what she has to give him. She tells him, “Everyday for five years, I’ve prayed to God that you’d die and go to hell. You sick, twisted bastard.”

It’s so un-Binxian, I can hardly believe it comes out of Bianca’s mouth. Then again, when someone takes away your spirit, you have nothing left to lose. JR tells Bianca that he doesn’t remember, and I’m beginning to believe him. Bianca, however does not. He apologizes for the pain he’s caused, to which Bianca simply and perfectly responds, “Bullshit.”

JR tells Bianca that she has every right to hate him, and he doesn’t deserve her forgiveness. Either the guy really doesn’t remember or he is much more duplicitous than I ever gave him credit for. Bianca decides it’s best to leave and beckons to Miranda, who tells her mother that she’s staying with AJ. Just when you think Bianca’s heart can’t be broken any further, her daughter crushes it into dust right before her eyes.

After Bianca leaves, JR tries to make awkward conversation with Miranda. What happens next, had me yelling at my computer. SHE ACTUALLY APOLOGIZES TO JR FOR HER MOTHER’S REACTION. Guuuuuurrrl, you need to check yourself. AJ makes an excuse that he has to finish his homework, and he and Miranda steal away from this shit storm. While studying, Miranda once again apologizes for her mother, this time to AJ. This forces me to apologize to my neighbor for throwing my lamp against the wall. She then picks up a guitar and starts to sing a little ditty she wrote about her good old buddy, palsy walsy AJ. You know, a friend song. The kind where you tell your friend that you are lost without him, while making googly eyes at each other. The song is actually kind of nice, but really long, which always makes me uncomfortable. AJ on the other hand, thinks its aces.

They then hop on the “bad idea express” and end up kissing. Actually, it’s less like a kiss and more like two guppies struggling for oxygen. I tried to capture the magic.

Miranda, realizing that this might be a mistake, takes off, leaving AJ to deal with his…homework. The next day, Miranda stops by to take the bus with AJ. She plays it cool and acts like it was no big deal to kiss her almost brother/best friend. Neither is looking forward to getting back to school. Apparently Miranda’s nickname is Moronda Montgomerty: Lezbo Princess. I’m rather fond of this but I can understand why Miranda might not be. Later at school, they discuss the kiss and decide that it’s best to stay just friends. As an added bonus, Miranda has picked up some allies who think that Capt. Threesome, otherwise known as Hunter, is a total jerk. Score. Maybe things are looking up. Hahahahahaha, just kidding. It turns out AJ is the only one on the baseball team not using steroids. His teammate hands him a baggie of ‘roids and tells him to shot himself in the ass with them. This can’t possibly go wrong.

Elsewhere in Pine Valley: Dr. David finds out the truth about Angie’s daughter Cassandra, and offers to help. (God help me but I love David, that evil son of a bitch.)

Meanwhile, Cassandra is trying to plan her escape from the traffickers, but reveals important intel to another of the girls being held captive. The traffickers are less than pleased to find out she’s the police chief’s daughter. Celia and Jake are being young and hot in NYC, where Celia has a freaky dream about her past. Cara is helping JR with his rehab, and JR promises to keep her secret safe. I smell a romance brewing. Blech. Billy Clyde Tuggle sets about to spy on his competition, and runs into Jesse while doing so. Tuggle is possibly the strangest character I have seen this side of Passions. I’m not 100% certain that he isn’t just a vagrant who stumbled onto the set of All My Children. Just look at the guy.

So what did you think of this week’s All My Children? I thought Eden Riegel put in one hell of a performance this week, and it reminded me why I love her character so much. Do you agree? How do you feel about the shortened schedule?

New episodes of All My Children air Mondays and Wednesdays on Hulu, and are also available for download on iTunes.

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