THIS WEEK’S L WORD VOCABULARY:
- Labels: The thing nobody can get past.
- Money: It makes the world go round, and it makes Tina’s eyes go round.
- Uninspired: The nicest thing anyone can say about this episode.
THIS WEEK’S GUEST-BIANS: Alan Cumming shows his pit hair; Lauren Lee Smith gets rejected.
A bus named desire – We’re on a bus. There are nuns on the bus. Lots of them. Remember that dangling cross from last week, around the neck of the woman who said “fuck me so I forget who I am?” Yes, we’re seeing it again, because the fuck-ee (Toni) was a nun. And now she’s a peacefully dozing nun with a book on her lap. The nun in the seat next to her (Agatha, which is a very nunnish name) discovers that the book is hiding a juicier tome: Lesbian Nuns: Breaking Silence. (Never mind that that book was published in 1985, and this bus is holy-rolling down the highway in Sublimity, Oregon in 1984.)
Agatha decides to take advantage of her discovery; she moves the book and slips her hand along Toni’s thigh, and before you know it, there are two sighing nuns on a bus that’s suddenly (but not subtly) slipping into a tunnel. Why doesn’t anyone else hear their oohs and ahhs? Is it just an everyday occurrence on the road to salvation? Is this what Catholics really mean when they talk about the Passion?
A quick aside – I’ve been asked whether I also write recaps for other sites (like PlanetOut), under a different name. First of all, if you’ve read those other recaps, I think you already know that the answer is no. Also, I’m not superhuman: it would take some exceptional fortitude to write about this show more than once a week.
Where the cool kids hang – Shane and Carmen are strolling along, arm in arm, to see Shane’s friend Chase. He works at (owns? I don’t know) a cool place called Wax – you can tell it’s cool because of all the skateboards and perfect hair and The Dead Kennedys on the stereo. Apparently Chase wants Shane to have a chair there: “Shane for Wax.” What, Shane has to actually make a living?
Tarot for the ego – Helena’s getting another reading. This time she learns that a former lover will come back into her life and will also be useful to her in a business sense. Again I must protest: Helena’s being open and real and (shudder) likeable, and I like the way she says “fucking” (especially because she’s saying “fucking idiot”) and the upshot of all this is that I will soon be playing 52-card-pickup with the remains of my poor exploded brain.
And can I just tell you that the tarot reader bugs me? She’s so… serene. In a smug way. I’d rather get a reading from Sofie and her catatonic mother.
The house of pain – Bette answers the phone. She’s carrying Angelica and a blanket – all the better to cover the Beals belly with. The caller is Julia, the Important Art-Related Person from last week. It seems the NEA funding has been pulled from Bette’s project.
Bette: [into the phone] “You are fucking kidding me.”
Angelica: [to no one in particular] “Arr yaar yaa.”
Bette hangs up and tells Tina the bad news: the problem is that the show (“The Art of Dissent”) is critical of the Bush administration. Tina says “Hey, that’s got to be unconstitutional” in a way that makes me chortle – not just because the comment is silly, but because she says it like she’s some sort of hippie. But she’s always sorta sounded like that, hasn’t she? Trouble is, she no longer has the laid-back attitude to go with it.
Bette goes on about the new McCarthyism, but Tina’s only interested in the stipend. Bette rants about the “fucking criminal” administration and the death of the First Amendment, but Tina interrupts to say that they have to let Angus go.
Bette: “I can’t believe you just said that.”
Tina: “We can’t afford him. We couldn’t afford him before you lost your funding. You’re gonna have to get real about our finances or we’re gonna be completely wiped out.”
Bette: “Thanks. No, thank you for laying your petty, bourgeois anxiety over my already profound anger and disappointment over losing something that means so much to me.”
I could parse through all the things that are wrong with that conversation, but I think I’d rather have a gurgly arr yarr blarr conversation with Angelica.
Bette calls some guy named Grayden (what kind of person is named Grayden?) to see whether she might be able to put something from her private collection on the auction block. Grayden suggests a Kiki Smith print, and at first Bette says no, but then she says “How much?”
Maybe this is an insensitive thing to say, but didn’t Melvin leave Bette anything?
The Planet – Billie is tasting things and organizing things and being fabulous. Kit’s not happy that he’s talking about changing the menu. I’m not happy that Kit’s hair is still ridiculously straight.
The homecoming – Oh, look: Shane and Carmen are holding hands in the car. I don’t know how I feel about this. After last week, I was ready to jump on the Carmen train (because have you seen that caboose?), but this cutesy stuff is going to grate.
So Jenny’s home, and there’s Moira too, of course. Jenny jumps into Shane’s arms for a hug, and Carmen is sweet too, and Moira’s just sort of standing there wondering what to do.
And then we get a delicious tension-breaker, in the form of a teeny little pup named Otto. Shane and Carmen are puppy-sitting. This is not the sort of dog you puppy-sit: it’s the sort you puppy-nap. Given a choice of Bette, Alice, or Otto, I do think I’d have a difficult time deciding.
Jenny reveals that she’s allergic to dogs. Carmen says it should be fine because Otto’s almost hairless, but Moira says that most people are allergic to the saliva, not the fur. Well, how handy: not only does she know how to pee standing up, but she also knows all about allergens. Moira-Webster to the rescue.
As if to express his disapproval of the idea that anyone could be allergic to him, Otto pees on Jenny. “Why do you pee on people?” asks Shane, and I think she’s talking to Otto. Probably. But not necessarily.
Carmen offers to help Moira and Jenny with their bags, but Moira says “You girls just relax and let us butches unload the truck. Come on, Shane.”
Carmen snickers and says (to Shane) “Big butch: Go unload the truck.” And of course Shane nearly collapses when Moira tosses a bag at her. Heh.
Johnny one-note – Angus is strolling along with Angelica, singing his “Hello” song. “Hello to the car: so glad to see you. Hello to the tree: so glad to see you.” Does he ever stop singing this song? Do you suppose that he greets each day with “Hello to morning wood: so glad to see you”?
Kit sees him (and hears him, no doubt) and wonders what he’s doing with Angelica. He introduces himself as Bette & Tina’s manny, and Kit decides she’ll call him Mangus. I think I’ll go with Mange, myself.
Shaolin Studios – Helena gives Tina a tour and offers her a job. That’s it: nothing underhanded, nothing evil, just a tour and an offer. Well, except for that brief bit of cattiness when Helena asks whether Bette has found a new job yet. But really, compared to the viper of last season, is that anything to care about? This simply can’t go on: right now I like Helena a lot more than I like Tina, and I just don’t know how to make sense of that. I feel just as perplexed about the nuns (lesbian ones, no doubt) who are wandering around the lot.
The Planet – Kit and Mange are hanging out. Bette shows up with her new purchases from The Bodhi Tree and shares her news about the NEA grant. Kit says “that’s so fucked up,” but she doesn’t really seem to care much, probably because of the proximity of Mange. Bette mentions that she’s thinking about taking some Citibank job, but Mange says she shouldn’t even consider taking a job that doesn’t make her heart sing. Hello? Do you live on this planet, or one where everyone likes to say hello to cars and trees and nobody’s ever heard of a razor?
One of Bette’s purchases is a Pema Chödrön book, Comfortable with Uncertainty. I haven’t read that one, but I can recommend When Things Fall Apart – which, despite its title, is a hell of a lot less depressing than this show.
The house of awkward – Moira is moving bags around and calling Shane “buddy.” As soon as Moira is out of earshot, Carmen starts to whine about having an extra roommate all of a sudden, and about the idea of Moira going to dinner with the gang. Never mind that fine booty: I’ve gone off you, Carmen the Intolerant.
Moira interrupts to offer them a present from La Junta, CO (which she pronounces as La Joonta, which upsets me as a CO native – everyone knows it’s “La Hunna”). The gift? “Cow’s Balls.” Moira grabs one and starts to chew. I dunno, it’s gum or something – mostly it’s just a way to make Moira look dumb.
The chart of Alice’s moods – Alice is doing her radio show. She’s not talking about Dana this time – at least, not directly. Instead, she’s recounting her encounters with antidepressants. We get a flashback of her slashing Dana’s tires (which is really quite funny), and then a lithium-fueled dinner with the cardboard cutout of Dana, and then an homage to “the A.D.D. drug, you know the one” (why can’t they say Ritalin on this show?) and then “the new SSRI” that just might make you kill yourself. And then we see Alice with a vibrator, off her meds and finding her libido. It should be fun, but it’s sad, because she’s looking over at cardboard Dana and crying. Sigh. Such a wasted opportunity.
After the show (the radio show, not the vibrator show), one of Alice’s producers (or whatever) threatens to fire Alice if she doesn’t stop obsessing about Dana. She’ll get one more chance, and will have to provide a script ahead of time. That’s okay: she can lose her job and go work at the sex toy shop. And I can be her favorite customer.
Dana goes to the doctor – I don’t really know what to say about this. The doctor says lots of not-quite-reassuring things about the lump in Dana’s breast. And Dana gets a mammogram, but doesn’t scowl the way I probably will when I start getting annual smushings. Scowl? I think I mean scream.
Erin Daniels tries to be funny every time there’s even a hint of an opportunity (e.g., when the doctor refers to fibroadenoma, Dana calls it fiber-edamame: “I’ve got soybean pods in my boobs?”), but there’s nothing funny about this storyline. That goes without saying, I suppose, but what’s even worse is that there’s not really anything very moving about this storyline either.
The house that’s not a home – Tina’s home; she finds Bette on the couch, pretending to read Art News but really reading Pema Chödrön. Bette offers a few choice quotes from the book – she talks about listening, essentially as a way to tell Tina that she’s trying to be a better mate, and wants to keep the channels open, but Tina just walks away. (But before Tina does that, she looks at the book and says that Pema looks like a wookie. I think maybe she really means ewok, and either way it’s just not nice.)
And then Tina drops this bomb from the next room: “Helena Peabody offered me a job.” Nice of you to holler it, instead of sitting next to Bette and looking her in the eye to let her know you care.
Bette: “So then, there’s no reason that I should feel threatened, or … ?”
Tina: “No. There’s nothing between us anymore. Nothing at all.”
Bette: “Well, did you talk about money?”
Tina: “No, not yet.”
Bette: “I don’t know. I still don’t know if I’m okay with it… I…”
Tina: “I’m not sure it’s up to you.”
Okay. Three things. First: Fuck you, Tina. Second, I don’t care what’s happened or who you are or what’s going on, if you (and by “you” I mean anyone) are going to take a job with someone you’ve fucked, you might start by asking your partner how she feels about that, because if you have a brain you’ll understand that such a situation might be a little uncomfortable for the one you supposedly love. Third: Fuck you, Tina.
The dinner – The Welcome Back Jenny dinner is at a swank place called Tile. When Jenny and Moira arrive, everyone just sort of stares at Moira again. How much of that can one person take? And then Jenny doesn’t even introduce everyone by name – she just says “everyone, this is Moira” – and it’s up to Bette to be gracious and offer a handshake and introduce herself. See? Even when things fall apart, Bette can still rock.
Moira orders a salad and a side of fries, but she’s going to get rocket, frisee, and shaved Jerusalem artichokes with a pinecone-infused jus. Yeah.
Alice interrupts the ordering to ask Dana and Lara about their recent dinner with Martina and Teresa. It freaks Dana out, because apparently the dinner wasn’t exactly public knowledge. And then Alice asks Moira whether she reads Jenny’s stuff. Moira says “I’m a computer technician,” but Jenny and I don’t know what that has to do with reading anything, really.
It all goes downhill from there, and Moira-Webster gets uncomfortable enough to share a tale of two lobsters: apparently when you try to cook the male ones, they form little ladders and try to get out, but when you cook the female ones, they just hold each other down. The speech is very strange, of course, but the way everyone’s treating Moira is worse: who knew these people were such snobs? Yeah, we all did.
Oh, somewhere in the middle of all that is a sweet (!) Tina moment: Moira asks about Bette and Tina’s “kid” and Tina offers a smile that’s reminiscent of Randy Dean and directed at Bette. A brief moment of happiness: so fleeting, so insufficient.
Meanwhile, back at the Mange – Kit and Angus talk about music and parenting and the importance of following your dreams. Whatever.
Awkward isn’t a strong enough word – Moira can’t tolerate the lobster dinner anymore and leaves; Jenny sort of half-heartedly tries to stop her. Bette understands Moira a little: “She comes from a place where, you know, you have to define yourself as either/or. It’s probably the only language she has to describe herself.” That’s a possibility, and it’s also possible that none of these people know Moira at all and might want to refrain from passing judgment. Yes, Carmen, I’m talking to you.
Shane says it for me:
Shane: “You know what, what difference does it make whether someone’s butch or femme? We should just leave labels alone and just let people be who they are.”
Well, except maybe it does make a difference to Moira, which is also okay. Oh, shut up and pass the female lobsters.
Alice confronts Dana in the bathroom – “I just wanna talk; I’m not gonna attack” – and asks Dana whether she’s happy. Dana says yes, mostly, but it’s all just sad because they miss each other and don’t know how to be friends or lovers or anything.
Bette tries to pay the bill, but her credit card is declined, which is even more awkward than all the Moira stuff. And if Tina rolls her eyes one more time, they’re going to stick like that.
Nighty night – Tina lounges in her lingerie and calls Helena to accept the job. In the other room, Bette packs up a precious print to get it ready for auction.
Ouch – Lara tries to tuck Dana in, but when she reaches for Dana’s breasts, Dana just says “don’t.” Lara turns away without even asking what’s wrong, which is probably what’s wrong.
Otto’s empire – Otto the puppy hangs out with Jenny and Shane. How did these two (when they’re together) become the most sensible people on the show? Jenny says she fucked up with Moira, and Shane apologizes for the way the whole evening went.
Too much – Moira stands, with L.A. as her backdrop and Betty as her soundtrack, and tries to emote. She sorta looks like Amy Ray from certain angles, don’tcha think? I would say more about this scene, but I have some Betty-induced retching to do.
NEXT WEEK ON THE L WORD: Moira explores possibilities; Bette meets a seductive senator; Dana pushes herself too hard.
