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“The L Word” recap (3.1): “Labia Majora”

THIS WEEK’S L WORD VOCABULARY:

Burnt curtains, wiff-waff, etc.: The female genitalia. And there’s plenty more where that came from. So to speak.

Beauty: The antithesis of “baby-proof.”

Unbelievable: Leisha Hailey’s ability to turn something really wrong into something kinda funny.

THIS WEEK’S GUEST-BIANS: Kate Clinton sees through the über couple; Margot Kidder is Jenny’s not-so-super mom; Cynthia Stevenson is the supreme bitch; Lauren Lee Smith cooks.

Previously on The L Word – Was this perhaps thrown together at the last minute? Or is there some other reason it’s so choppy and weird? Oh, wait, I know why: because the last two seasons were choppy and weird.

A swingin’ encounter group – We’re in Palo Alto in 1973, and a bunch of liberated chicks are straddling hand mirrors. I like the ’70s lighting, truly. And I get that the zoom thing is also meant to evoke ’70s films, but must it be so incessant? The music, however (“It Ain’t the Meat, It’s the Motion”) is fab.

Each woman is reacting to the sight of her own vulva: the assessments range from “It’s beautiful” to “Doll, it looks like burnt curtains.” Har har. They continue to chat, and for some reason it’s a big event when someone passes the granola and almost spills it, but I’m not quite sure why that’s supposed to be funny. Don’t you dare get any granola near my burnt curtains! What?

One woman says that if it weren’t for this group, she’d still believe in the myth of the vaginal orgasm: “Thank you Sigmund Freud, you sexist pig.” Yes, he was probably that. But as a lot of us know, Anne Koedt didn’t get it entirely right either, especially when she said that the vagina is not even very “erotic,” let alone orgasmic. I mean, hello: wrong. Anyway, it doesn’t really matter where you aim from as long as you hit your target, no? Oh, shut up and pass the granola.

Another woman in the encounter group is rather overwhelmed: “I didn’t know… Chet, he’s just so fast.. and clumsy. I had no idea about the… um…” Ah, but someone else has an idea: that rather determined woman sitting next to you. Overwhelmed Girl excuses herself, and is soon followed by her friend, who just wants to tell her that she has a right to be sexually fulfilled. Tell her and, um, show her. I should be laughing at how soapy and pulpy and rather Ann Bannon it is, but it’s actually a little bit hot.

This is the way that we are forced to live – The new butch is in the montage. Nice suspenders. Some guy is there too. There are also two new producer credits, unless of course I was just too busy seizing to the theme song last season to read what was on the screen. Elizabeth Ziff and A.M. Homes. I am thrilled about one of them.

Oh, now that really is thrilling! – Tegan and Sara are singing as the sun sets. What an improvement over… yeah.

But what are they singing? “So Jealous,” which is what Alice is. She’s doing her radio show, but she’s really just ranting about Dana. That’s right, it’s six months later, and Dana is now with Lara. You know I love me some soup chef, but it kinda hurts to see Alice so unraveled.

Alice: “Yes, that same Lara. Lara the larcenist. Lara the liberator. Lara the new, uh, true love. Of Dana. And, uh… yeah. I mean, Dana, who told me she needed closure, closure with Lara. Well, it’s six months later, and I’m still waitin’ for it to close.”

Alice pops a pill as she rambles on. And as she talks, we also see Dana and Lara kissing each other good morning, having sex on the kitchen counter, generally being cute. But too cute. Or not cute enough. I don’t know: something’s off somehow.

Also, who’s responsible for depriving us of the Dana/Lara courtship? Never mind: that might make us understand, a little, why Dana left Alice, and clearly we’re not supposed to do that. It’s best to be spared that kind of honest emotional response: who wouldn’t rather just be told how to feel? Millions of Spielberg fans can’t be wrong.

A different kind of encounter group – Bette and Tina and Angelica are at a play group or early childhood education or whatever you call it when a bunch of parents and kids get together: I am decidedly out of this loop, so please forgive my cluelessness as the season progresses. Anyway, there’s a guy playing a guitar, and they’re going around the circle, singing “hello” to all the kids, including one named Lola, which happens to also be the name of Laurel Holloman’s daughter. Aww.

It’s time for “instruments,” and Bette is determined to get her daughter the triangle. Haven’t we already been there, done that? Oh, right: no carpenters this time. Bette fights for the triangle, but somebody else grabs it. Bette calls him an asshole. What could be better than a type A parent? That kid will be just fine. Really mellow and laid-back, no worries at all.

Then they all dance around in a circle, and Tina aplogizes to the guy for Bette’s brusqueness. Bette gives them little disapproving looks and continues to shake her tambourine all the same, playing it up a bit. That’s what I want: more funny Bette. Why do I suspect I’m not going to get that?

Speaking of what I want, I must tell you that I have done my part to improve things. I was very specific this year when I made my requests of Santa. I asked for a Ziff-less universe, a teleportation device, the ability to beat “Bark at the Moon” on expert level in Guitar Hero, a season of Schechter unfetteredness, a flat in Oxford, and Christopher Guest as a guestbian. It’s not really that much to ask for, is it? But so far… nuthin’. I’ll keep you posted.

Tina explains that Bette is stressed because they have an appointment with the adoption social worker today. So, all is good and you two are together and mostly happy? Again, great: just skip right over the reconciliation. No courtships, no reconciliations, no moving moments that would make me sit on my sofa and grin like the dork that I am. I understand that the show must not turn into one big Hallmark card, but does that mean it has to be a tin of Altoid Sours instead?

Yet another moment we’ve skipped right over – Kit and her son David are talking. In the same room. As if they’ve been talking for years. Whatever.

Dr. David is examining Kit, which is of course awkward, and Kit says so. She also says all kinds of dire things about how sick she is and how doomed she is, and David has to reel her in a bit. He asks what her symptoms are, and she says shortness of breath, heart palpitations, and headaches. I have the cure: stop surrounding yourself with dyke drama. And stop doing that T.O.E. thing, if indeed you still are.

David recommends some blood work and less stress and less helping out with Tina’s baby. That’s right: he said Tina’s baby. Did you hear it? Did you get it? Tina’s. Baby. What on earth could that mean? I’m sure I have no idea.

The circle of ambitious parents – Tina and Bette hand out invitations to Angelica’s half-birthday party. Aww. Tina invites the guy who snagged the triangle toy, which displeases Bette because the guy is so straight, and by that she means square (despite the triangle) and suburban.

Tina: “I grew up in the suburbs. The suburbs aren’t that terrible. Why does everybody have to be a hipster?”

Ooooh. She’s got you pegged, Bette: you’re a hipster and an elitist and a heterophobe. Or at least that might be you this season, because we all know that whatever you’ve been before now doesn’t count. Not when there are plot points to push.

Bette decides to let it go and asks the guitar player guy, Angus, whether he’d like to play at Angelica’s little party. Angus tries to be funny and sweet, not realizing that Bette and Tina are too focused on their own worries and angst to allow that kind of ordinary good-natured stuff into their lives. Holy hell, did I just prefer an average straight guy to the über couple? Perhaps I should ask David to order some blood work for me too.

Tarot cards for the two-dimensional – Helena is getting a reading.

The reader: “I am power and beauty, emanating the warmth of the sun through a heart as deep as the ocean.”

Helena: “Are you sure it’s not pockets as deep as the ocean?”

Helena. Did you just mock yourself? Oh, wait: you were probably just bragging again. For a minute there I thought I was going to have to like you.

The reader figures lots of things out, like the fact that Helena has just purchased a movie studio, and also says that Helena’s next romance will be with a brunette bisexual woman who drives a blue car. “She is going to stand back-to-back with you, and then face-to-face.” Whatever that means.

More therapy – Bette and Tina are getting some sex therapy. The sexpert, Dr. Farber (Kate Clinton), right away takes them to task for calling each other “Mama T” and “Mama B.” Yeah, that doesn’t exactly scream “tie me to the bed and make me yours.”

The sexpert recommends some sensate exercises in which Tina is naked and blindfolded. Tina doesn’t like the idea, because she thinks her post-pregnancy body is unattractive. Have you passed a mirror lately? And by the way, you seem to have a cold, and it’s making your voice rather sexy. Say something provocative, like “Bette and I fucked for four days solid when I moved back in.” Please?

Bette thinks Tina is still punishing her for the Candace dalliance. Probably not, but even if she were, do you not deserve it maybe just a little itty bitty bit?

Dr. Farber tries to take a different tack: she recommends “the lover’s paintbox,” which is “high quality chocolate” and elicits coy little grins from Tina and Bette. I can definitely recommend the chocolate body paint, if you’ve got an extra set of sheets and don’t mind the sticky stretchy feel of sugar drying on your skin. But to Tina, it’s too expensive. What? $33.95 is too much for some sweet sexy fun? How much is this appointment costing you, exactly?

Dr. Farber also recommends an ice cube kit; you let the ice melt in your mouth and “let a little water drip on her clit, on her nipples… because really, one of the big problems of lesbian sexual dysfunction is aversion to oral stimulation.”

Bette seems to give Tina a look like “You know she’s right,” and Tina gives her a fierce look and an eye-roll in reply. It’s cute and funny. But the mere notion is appalling: anyone who is averse to oral stimulation when Bette Porter is in the room should really get the hell out of my way.

Bette and Tina continue to give each other hilarious glances, especially when the sexpert puts on a clown nose, because “a little levity is always good.” But Dr. Farber’s not laughing when Bette and Tina reveal that they’re practicing “attachment parenting,” and thus don’t put baby Angelica down if they can help it. Yeah, I’m sure that has nothing to do with any problems in the bedroom. Just like my tendency to lean a little closer to the TV has nothing to do with Jennifer Beals being on the screen.

The Planet – Ah, The Planet. A group scene. Thank you thank you.

Carmen is talking about how one just doesn’t come out in a Mexican family. I kind of grin when Carmen calls Shane “sweetheart.” What’s wrong with me?

Bette and Tina saunter in, dragging all their baggage behind them:

Tina: “I found it disconcerting, that’s all.”

Bette: “Why, what’s wrong with ‘clit’?”

Tina: “It’s a little graphic. I prefer that our therapist use more neutral language.”

Bette: “So ‘clit’ makes you uncomfortable.”

Tina: “A little, yeah.”

Bette: “Well, what about ‘cunt’? Do you have a problem with ‘cunt’?”

Tina: “It’s not my favorite.[sitting down at the group table] Actually, I like ‘pussy.'”

Carmen: “Oh, hear hear: I love pussy.”

Carmen might not be saying that in quite the same way. All I know is that I’m going to make a CD of Bette saying “Well, what about ‘cunt’? Do you have a problem with ‘cunt’?” and put it in my alarm clock. I will never sleep late again.

Dana wants to know what they’re talking about, so Bette explains: “Well, Tina has a problem with the word ‘clit,’ which I find somewhat troubling, and she’s also not too fond of cunt.”

Let’s ignore the heavy-handed foreshadowing of that sentence for a moment. Was it not Tina who first spoke the word ‘clit’ on this show, back when she was peeing on a pregnancy test stick? Or was that Alice? Either way, I’m not buying any of this.

Lara (oh, she has a place at the group table now? and where is Alice?) says she finds the word ‘cunt’ totally hot, which surprises Dana. So Bette wants to know what words everyone uses.

Shane: “‘Pussy’ works for me.”

Carmen: “Mm hmm. ‘Beaver’ is also fun sometimes. And I like ‘twat’. [to Shane] “I actually really like twat. You know that.”

Shane: “I know.”

Okay. They’re cute together. I admit it.

Tina explains that she grew up in a world of euphemisms, and Dana says she did too. And then Alice shows up and points out that Dana used the word “peeper” when they were together. Well, “points out” is much too magnanimous: what she does is taunt Dana, throwing things back in her face, in a full-on neurotic kind of way. Yow.

Dana and Lara give in and leave. Everyone else is uncomfortable.

Bette: “So what are you on now?”

Alice: “I’m on methylphenidate. Possible side effects include, um, Tourette’s.”

Snort. I mean, no, this should not happen to Alice! But I’m chuckling anyway.

They all talk about the stress they’re under. Shane and Carmen explain that Shane is going to meet Carmen’s family, and is going to “play straight” when she does. Shane? Playing straight? Is that like… oh, I don’t know: Paris Hilton playing Mensa member?

Yoga – Helena and Alice (huh?) are doing yoga. Alice starts to cry, which I guess is supposed to seem crazy (and sorta does, the way she’s doing it) but which I know from experience is also not all that unlikely on the mat. Getting centered can bring on the strong emotions. But what’s with some of the people in this yoga class? I can’t even begin to critique the up-dogs. Yes, yes, I know: yoga is for everyone, and it’s not a competition, and it’s not like my own up-dog is all that impressive, but this is supposed to be L.A., right? That’s a serious yoga town. No legs touching the mat during up-dog, no no no.

Anyway, Helena’s being strangely supportive, and again we can’t really understand why because we didn’t get to see (a) Alice and Dana break up, (b) Alice and Helena become friends, or (c) Helena get a soul.

Passion – The social worker is not impressed when Bette says she’s not working because she has yet to find something she feels “passionate” about. But Ms. Collie does get rather passionate when she asks whether Angelica will have a significant man in her life; passionate about men in general, that is. It’s not that funny, but Cynthia Stevenson manages to do something with it anyway.

And then there’s a crash outside: Alice has slammed into Ms. Collie’s car, and proceeds to make a really good impression, which includes proclaiming “Well Jesus, fuck” as she makes her entrance. I can’t help it: I even like Disaster Alice.

Alice explains it all to Tina: “I just got in a car chase with Dana. I kind of ran her off the road.” She says it in a sweet little voice. Snort.

Ms. Collie: “Let’s just hope she doesn’t have a lot of contact with the child.”

Alice: “Uh, I happen to be the earth mother. I would have been the godmother, but I don’t believe in God.”

Ms. Collie: “Of course you don’t”

Alice: “Well, it wasn’t even my idea. It was Mama B’s.”

Ms. Collie: “Of course it was.”

Oopsie. Earth mother. Heh.

South, north, east, and west of nowhere – Jenny is working on her book (don’t ask me what book: that must be another thing that was covered in the missing six months) in the dim light of a gay bar. Ordinarily writers like to actually be able to see what they’re writing, but can you blame her?

The new butch character, Moira, sits down and announces that she’s decided to go back to L.A. with Jenny. Moira’s kinda cute, but when she talks, she sounds like… hmm, like somebody put the record on the wrong speed. The faster, reedier speed. Or like a slow leak.

Anyway, when Moira says she’s going to L.A., Jenny lets out a whoop and a giggle and says “I’m excited.” Are you? Really? Who could possibly have known? It’s like the other day, when my cat puked in front of me: I was so confused. I really wish she could have said “I’m vomiting,” so I wouldn’t have had to read the mysterious signals.

Fantasy land – Carmen’s mom is excited about an upcoming quinceañera. She has the perfect dress for Shane. Yes, I said dress. Carmen’s mom leaves them alone for a bit, so of course Carmen and Shane make out as Shane puts on the dress. Shane. Shane in a dress. Shane in drag. My eyes, my eyes!

The cookies of love – Lara has made double lemon sugar cookies with lavender and rosemary. The weird thing about this is that yesterday I made sugar cookies and I dusted them with lavender sugar. I’m not making that up: why would I? It’s not exactly cool. And these Dana/Lara kisses are not exactly cool either. Something’s still kind of off. Maybe it’s the fact that Alice is peering through the windows as they make out on the couch. Eeek.

Lara pauses for a minute to say that Dana has a lump in her breast, but Dana says it’s been there forever and she’s already had it checked out. We believe you, Dane.

Plotting – Jenny and Moira plan their escape as they dance. Moira talks, or slow-leaks, about web design and programming and other geeky things, when Jenny suddenly says “Are you thinking about having sex with me right now?” Well, no, I was thinking about web design and programming. But okay. (Moira has a similar reaction.) So they kiss, and Moira finds Jenny’s scars under her ribs, and isn’t fazed in the slightest when Jenny says they’re self-inflicted. That’s very cool of you, reedy Moira.

So they go back to Jenny’s house. Yes, her parents’ house. Of course, why not? It’s not as if they’re already annoyed and uncomfortable and might possibly be the last people in the world you’d want to have anywhere near any sexy thought or deed. Especially the gay ones.

But there they are, fucking on the bed, when Jenny’s mom and stepdad decide to see what all the panting is about. And of course at first they think Moira is a guy, so when they realize she’s not, Jenny’s stepdad (Warren) kicks Jenny out of the house.

What is Jenny wearing? It’s like an oil slick with straps. Or it sort of looks like that thing that killed Tasha Yar on Star Trek: The Next Generation. What? Don’t tell me you didn’t watch Star Trek, or you didn’t dig Tasha a little. I won’t believe you.

So Jenny does her usual speechifying:

Jenny: “You’ve wanted me out of the house from the moment I set foot in here. What is it, Warren? Am I too fucked up for you? Am I too perverted? Look at me. Do I remind you of how messy and out of control your life is? Warren… I’m just not the girl you wanted me to be.”

Jenny’s mom: “Jennifer, stop.”

Jenny: “No, you stop. When are you gonna start being an actual person and not this silent slave to this man?”

Warren: “Don’t you dare disrespect your mother.”

Jenny: “That’s a privilege that’s reserved for you.”

Warren: “Well, I — don’t know what more we can do.”

Jenny: “Nothing. There’s nothing more you can do for me to make me the person that you are comfortable with. Because I’m not gonna marry that nice Jewish boy. I’m not gonna have those nice Jewish kids. I’m not gonna shut up and be subservient. I’m not gonna set the dinner table and pretend that bad things don’t happen. Because when you don’t talk about them, they get worse, Warren.”

While this is going on, we get a glimpse of Moira, who looks like she’s wondering whether she has enough change to buy a Big Mac on the way home. And then there’s Margot Kidder’s reaction to Jenny’s little speech, which is something along the lines of “Why the hell did I take this role? I was better off when I was shit-faced in the gutter!”

It’s good to stand up for yourself. Really. But drama for drama’s sake? Not so good. Let me translate Jenny’s little speech for you:

Jenny: “Me me me me ME, me me me. Warren. Oh, and also ME, and feminist ME, and me me me me me and knee-jerk ME, Warren, and blame-assigning ME, and me me me. Oh, and me. Warren. And Moira over there as she relates to me. And also, me, and finally, ME.”

Jenny’s mom stops her on the way out, and sits on the front steps with her for a bit. She finally acknowledges that bad stuff happened to Jenny when she was a kid, which is cool even if it is kinda late. And she apologizes for not being there, which is perhaps a sign that she might turn out to be a decent listener after all, that is, if there weren’t so much me me me me me going on all the time.

So jealous – Just how jealous is Alice? Jealous enough to have a Dana shrine in the house: pictures and candles and a cardboard standie thingie. Aww, Alice. I have a Xena standie, but that’s because she scares me a little and makes me get my work done.

The real earth mother – David continues to ask Kit about her symptoms.

David: “What about vaginal dryness?”

Kit: “What?”

David: “I’m sorry, mom, but it’s important that I ascertain these things.”

Kit: “Oh, no no no. We do not go there. I am your mother, and you are my son. And my punani, dry or not dry, is something we do not discuss.”

Kit, you still rule.

The planet – Back to the euphemism chit-chat. This time Alice is there but Dana and Lara aren’t, just to balance out the earlier scene, I guess. How long must we suffer?

Tina says she has a friend in England who calls it “front bottom.” Well, that’s kinda silly, but it’s not the term, it’s the technique – and they’re better at it over there.

Bette: “You know what’s really lovely? Yoni. It’s sanskrit.”

Alice: “No, I like a non-sanskrit trashy thing, like tongue-trap.”

And the irreverent litany continues, especially when Kit shows up to tell them all “I got menopause.” Actually, then it becomes a slew of slang for sex. And it all rocks!

Here’s everything, for your edification: Burnt curtains, wiff-waff, clit, cunt, pussy, beaver, twat, down there, nether regions, private parts, naughty bits, no-no, lady parts, it, peeper, punani, front-bottom, pretty pink pearl, yoni, tongue-trap, bald man in a boat, breakfast of champions, munchbox, wee wee, ha ha, hoo hoo, mimi, fuckhole, calcunta. Get a hot beef injection, dip the chip, bang the box, sweep out the chimney, stretch that leather, bump the uglies, dip and dive, shake the sheets, crack the nut, get some skank on the hang-low, ride the baloney pony, give that dog a bone, shuck the oyster, put some beef in yo’ taco, ride that beef bus to tuna town. The lips between the hips, furry monkey, smurf crease, bearded oyster, bikini biscuit, cooter, cherry pie, cat flaps, cha-cha, hairy goblet, grand canyon, fish taco, cream collector, goodie bag, box of assorted creams, honey pot, dugout, love mitten, mermaid’s purse, skeeky/skeezy, pink velvet sausage wallet, nonny, ham wallet, coochie, sweet spot, power slot, foo-foo valve, pork shutters, bermuda triangle, grab hole, squeegee, vertical smile, vessel tube, monkey’s chin, chewbacca, panty hamster, roast beef sandwich, camel toe.

Kit: “Camel toe – oh, that’s so generic.”

NEXT WEEK ON THE L WORD: Alan Cumming classes up the joint; Alice acknowledges her obsession; Bette just wants to be a mama; Moira defies roles.

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