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“All My Children” recap (Apr. 29-May 3): Bianca is back, bitches

The new All My Children web series debuted this week to much fanfare and positive ratings. Most excitingly for lesbian fans of the show, it includes our beloved Bianca Montgomery (played by the originator of the role, Eden Riegel). While the cast is a lot smaller and many longtime characters did not return (including Kendall, Greenlee, Tad, and Erica Kane herself), the new web series format feels sleeker and I daresay, rather hip. The show picks up five years after that fateful night at the Chandler House where shots rang out during an otherwise happy engagement party. JR, father to AJ and ex to Marissa, was the man behind the gun, and his actions would change the fate of many in Pine Valley. Here is a little something to catch you up to speed.

Opal is back, and so is her son Pete, who is a big shot Silicon Valley software developer. Pete’s in town because Cortland Electronics is going down the tubes, and Opal hopes her brilliant (and of course ridiculously good looking) son can step in and save the family business. She smothers him with kisses and calls him Petey, which is a totally Opal thing to do, and he reluctantly agrees.

While traipsing through the newly sparkly Pine Valley, he literally bumps into a woman on the street. Cue the “meet cute” music! Her name is Celia and she eats apples off the street.

She’s wearing a blazer with a crest and a plaid skirt, so using his deductive powers of reasoning….he decides to ask his mom if there are any private girls school with red uniform kilts around. You know, for a friend.

Celia, looks and speaks like the little sister of Jessica ParĂ©. She’s spending her gap year tutoring the girls at Bramwell Hall. She also happens to be an orphan with a very mysterious, and controlling guardian whom she’s never met. His proxy, Mrs. Johnson doesn’t understand why an 18-year-old girl who’s traveled the world and seen the Louvre, would want a normal life. Celia, says screw museums and trips to Paris, she wants to be a real teenage girl. She wants to buy overpriced panties at Victoria’s Secret, and party in condemned buildings and parking garage rave. She’s like the Little Mermaid, but instead of legs, she wants to eat Doritos and watch Real Housewives. Also, she wants to continue volunteering at The Miranda House as Brooke English’s assistant. Oh and also to find that cute guy!

Speaking of Brooke, she and Adam are making out all over the place. He asked her to marry him for real this time. That’s all you really need to know on that end. Seriously though, always making out these two. Dixie is moping around, looking lovingly at a picture of her and Tad and visiting an unknown man in a coma at the hospital. But who is it, Dixie?!

Jesse and Angie are back and better than ever. Jesse has a romantic breakfast planned for Angie, and reminds me why he’s one of my favorite AMC men. Angie, taking a cue from Adam and Brooke, gets frisky and they do it on the couch.

Afterwards Angie makes a dick joke that made me laugh out loud. God bless the relaxed restrictions on online shows. Jesse does have another surprise for Angie. Her daughter Cassandra is flying in from Paris, but unfortunately instead of getting in the car hired for her, she gets kidnapped by the Russian mob. The car is registered to the casino owned by Zach Slater, husband of Kendall, father of one of Bianca’s children, kisser of lesbians on the night before their weddings.

Jesse and Zach, unbeknownst to Angie, get to sleuthing to try and get Cassandra back. They better hurry, because she’s in rough shape. Keep kicking girl, kick that mobster in the face!

Angie has a secret of her own. Dr. David Hayward, best bad guy ever, has been imprisoned for the shooting that occurred five years prior. Turns out Angie spoke on his behalf (he brought her back from blindness) and he was released early from prison. He hops in a car to Pine Valley to stir up some serious shit. He visits the cemetery, and with tears in his eyes, pledges revenge. We can’t tell who’s grave he’s talking to, but he’s on a mission. He heads to the hospital where he seeks out Cara, who informed him she had miscarried their child via letter while he was in prison.

He confronts Cara, and after a tear filled conversation, she leaves him in the dust with his many questions. While at the hospital, David notices that the man in the coma is none other than that bastard JR. It turns out, David struggled with and shot JR when he witnessed what JR had done. David delivers a monologue about how to pull the plug on JR without setting off the alarms. He doesn’t however, and once JR wakes up, there will be hell to pay.

AJ and Miranda are teenagers now. Let that sink in a minute. AJ, is often shirtless, and reminds me very much of a grown up Dennis the Menace. So, basically he is exactly what you’d expect the spawn of JR and Marissa to be. He’s got a chip on his shoulder for everyone but Miranda.

Miranda, who’s known JR since they were wee babes doesn’t pick up on the fact that he’s probably in love with her. That’s because Miranda is too busy being a normal, well-adjusted teenager. You know the kind, with a gay mom. Which brings us to BINX!

Bianca is back and Binxier than ever. In our first scene with Bianca, she and Miranda are chilling at Jane’s Addiction, the cool new coffee shop in Pine Valley. Bianca has managed to score her, Miranda and Gabby tickets to the One Direction concert at Madison Square Garden! Miranda thinks this is a terrible idea for the following reasons. 1. She liked One Direction, like 10 months ago. Gawd! 2. Hanging with your tweenage sister is super lame. 3. Hanging with your mom (even if she is gorgeous and totally awesome) is super lame as well. Bianca handles this much better than I would have, and doesn’t ground Miranda for a year for her insolence.

Miranda also tells her mom that there is a school dance the same night and she is hoping Hunter, the beefy Justin Bieber haired jock, will ask her. Bianca pleads a bit, but Miranda is like, “you wouldn’t understand, it’s not like you had to deal with feeeeeelings and dances when you were my age.” Bianca Binxes out and says, “oh really, because I was into girls and not guys?” Boom. Miranda feels bad and Bianca is quick to forgive her teenage folly, especially when Hunter comes into the coffee shop. Miranda looks like she wants to crawl under the table, and Bianca gets the hint and takes her amazingness elsewhere. Miranda is like, “sorry about my Mom” and Hunter tells her no worries, because her mom is a total MILF even if she doesn’t, in his words “swing that way”.

Hunter asks if Miranda wants to hang out, and she can barely contain her glee. She heads over to the Chandler house to hang with AJ and try on some of his sister’s clothes for her big date. AJ comes into his room to find Miranda writhing on the floor in a bra and a halfway in pair of jeans. They are a bit too tight, so she asks AJ for a hand. AJ isn’t into this Hunter thing at all, and isn’t afraid to tell Miranda, especially when she walks out wearing a shirt that is actually merely the suggestion of a shirt. AJ gets all slut shamey, and Miranda is rightfully hurt.

Thankfully, Bianca comes in and compliments Miranda on her super cute jeans. Coz she’s not like a regular mom, she’s a cool mom. She also hands Miranda a shirt she just happened to pick up at the mall for her. I think it was just mother’s intuition, that sounds off like a tornado siren when your 15-year-old daughter decides to wear a shirt that is completely age inappropriate. Much to Bianca’s shock and delight, Miranda loves the shirt.

Hunter stops by to pick Miranda up, and pulls his best Eddie Haskell. Dinner, movies, totally. Bianca tells them to use their discretion regarding curfew. Seriously Binx, I know you wanna be cool, but did you notice the beady eyes on that one.

At first, the date with Hunter seems to be going well. Instead of dinner and a movie, they head to Janes Addiction, because the paint isn’t dry on the Pine Valley Tapas Emporium set yet. He seems interested in Miranda’s drawings and hearing about her hopes and dreams and that sort of stuff. Except for the fact that he keeps looking around. AJ pops in for his usual, and Miranda is super pissed. He defends himself, because, hey, weren’t you supposed to be at Iron Man 3 or eating overpriced Spanish appetizers?

Now ladies…it’s time to get real. I need you to prepare yourself. Got some tissues?

Are you ready?

Ok, deep breath.

Bianca is at the cemetery, with a bouquet of daffodils in her hand. She places them before the grave of Marissa Tasker. Yes, our worst fears have come true. Minx is no more, because Marissa was killed by JR that night, five years before.

While I kind of expected it, it still felt like a punch to the solar plexus. Bianca just talks to Marissa, like she was still there, right in front of her. She expresses her surprised joy at actually picking out a shirt that Miranda liked, and opens herself up to Marissa about being a mom. She tells Marissa that she’d be proud of AJ, and that he is turning out to be a great guy. It’s all so terribly heartbreaking, especially as the cracks begin to deepen in Bianca’s voice as she says,

“We were supposed to do this together.”

Her big brown eyes fill with the biggest tears I’ve ever seen. Tears big enough to drown all of Pine Valley. Bianca has lost so much, and been hurt so many times that I can’t believe she’s still standing upright. Yet she does. She runs her fingers across Marissa’s name, and I choke back a sob.

“I will never stop missing you.” she says, and we know that she means it.

Back at Jane’s Addiction, Miranda noticed that Hunter has invited another girl named Sally to sit with them. You see, Hunter, genius that he is, is trying to hook up a threesome with Miranda and Sally. Miranda is appalled and Hunter doesn’t get why she’s pissed. He assumed because her mom likes girls that Miranda is into that as well.

She tells him to shove his gross misogynist, entitled teenage boy assumptions up his ass. Sorry that was just wishful thinking. Actually she starts to cry and runs out of the shop, which is probably what I would have done too. Hunter calls after her that he guesses “mommy hasn’t taught her how to be a freak.” This is why you can’t trust a guy with Bieber hair. Also, he calls Miranda a “n00b”. AJ jumps to Miranda’s defense, and punches Hunter the hell out.

Join me every week as I recap Bianca’s trials and tribulations. What did you think of the return of All My Children?

All My Children airs every weekday and is available free on Hulu or for download on iTunes.

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