Previously on Once Upon A Time, the Charming Family wants to go back to the Enchanted Forest and the Shady Duo found Hook and brought him back to Storybrooke, and Ruby disappeared into thin air.
We open on Tamara and Stranger Greg, who have Captain Eyeliner captive in the clocktower. He’s all cocky because he thinks he killed Rumplestiltskin, so when they show him Gold and Lacey traipsing about, he is FURIOUS. The evil duo tell the evil pirate that they’ll help him kill The Dark One if he’ll help Stranger Greg find his father.
Flash back to Regina in all her Evil Queen glory, decked out in the sexiest riding garb ever, and on the hunt for Snow White.
When all she finds is an empty cottage, she rounds up the villagers and tells them how horrible Snow White is and that anyone who helps the Queen and her Queensguard find the little minx will be rewarded. When no one steps forward to help her, she orders her knights to kill each and every one of the villagers.
Apparently no one is playing Sheriff in Storybrooke anymore, because no one has noticed the guy Gold beat to a bloody pulp in the parking lot. So, Mary Margaret and David are just hanging out by the docks. Mary Margaret brings up their potential move to the Enchanted Forest and she says she doesn’t want to leave Regina behind. She uses the Henry card, but I think she’s looking out for Emma. Charming says he’d rather not, but agrees to give her a choice — Regina can go to the Enchanted Forest with them, but stay in Rumple’s cell, OR stay in Storybrooke and never see Henry again. Regina was (awesomely) disguised as a fisherman and overheard the whole thing and is NOT having this plan.
Back in the day in the Enchanted Forest, Evil Queen Regina goes to Rumplestiltskin for help. She actually says the actual words, ‘When Snow is dead, then they will see my kindness,’ which makes me feel like maybe it’s not that Regina is incapable of being good as much as no one really taught her what the definition of “good” is or that it generally starts with “don’t kill people”.
While I’m contemplating this, Regina throws out her arms and says “put it on me” and I say OK — oh, she was talking about spells. She wants Rumple to put a glamour on her so she can find Snow White undetected. Right.
Rumple complies and turns her into a peasant girl, who Regina hilariously dubs “as regal as a potato.” Fortunately for us gentleviewers, we don’t have to look at the potato, we get to see the ever-stunning Regina. (The peasant glamour is a beautiful potato, but I doubt anyone could emote with their eyes quite as well as our Queen.)
Potato Regina goes to the fair and sees the commonfolk playing a game called “kill the evil queen.” She tells them this game is treason, but the peasants don’t care because they want Snow White to be their queen. Regina fails so hard at being a peasant that gets herself arrested almost immediately, all while trying to defend her own honor.