I refuse to open with a joke about how lesbian fashion is an oxymoron. True, I sometimes blame my ongoing footwear confusion on my sexual orientation, but it’s reductive and borderline homophobic to imagine that the rocking gene that provides a fixation on finger size and a healthy distaste for the patriarchy also dooms one to wear painter pants three sizes too large. I mean, look at Patricia Field!
It’s in this spirit of hopeful rebelliousness that I bring you five lesbian apparel companies whose offerings won’t make you look like Danny Devito.
I like Card Carrying Lesbian because Sasha Lotrian’s handmade jewelry is both edgy and delicate, appealing to a clientele butch, femme and everything in between. Plus most items are hand-stamped with clever phrases, and lord knows lesbians like wearing clever phrases. Portlandia may have “Put a Bird on it,” but we have “Put a word on it.” My favorite piece is the Longitude/Latitude Anniversary Necklace. All you have to do is send Lotrian the location of an important location, for example, where she proposed or any place Kate Moennig has ever been, and she’ll find the coordinates and personalize your necklace.
Speaking of Kate Moennig, by now any lesbian worth her salt — as an aside, to me, peanut butter is a much more accurate measure of worth and also Trish Bendix has a theory that femmes like it more than butches, not to mention the fact that it’s a superior choice when you’re watching your sodium levels unless of course the peanut butter has added salt and then things just get complicated and what was I saying? Right, if you’re a good lesbian, you’ve probably heard about Wildfang by now. I’m told it’s a clothing line, but it feels like a niche porn production company. With a spring launch, there’s not much to say about Wildfang at this point other than they are good at social media. Still, I have high hopes for all of the smudged eyeliner and shrunken blazers to come.
In a similar vein, Tomboy Tailors offers tailor-made, masculine clothing for women sick of ping-ponging between the men’s section (Vests you could drown in.) and the boy’s department (The shoulders fit great but suit jackets are not meant to have quarter length sleeves!). While their site is not yet fully up and running, San Franciscans can visit their store which is, and I quote “just in front of the giant chess set.” If that’s not an endorsement, I don’t know what the hell is.
Back to jewelry because really, what else is there? Los Angeles based designer Lauren Bedford Russell creates striking pieces meant for all genders. Bedford Russell uses conflict free gemstones and her jewelry centers around black diamonds. Personally, I’m a fan of this statement bracelet, perfect for layering. And if something as superficial as how the piece looks doesn’t do it for you, you big lesbian, well, 10 percent of proceeds go to benefit The Fight For Equality. Also, if anyone wants to buy me the Saint Helene Engagement ring, I can get over the fact that it reminds me of Titanic and pledge thee my troth — we don’t need to have met.
Finally, to all those dykes out there wondering why I can’t just let them dress how they want because they make 75 cents to the gay male dollar and half the shit I’ve highlighted so far is freaking expensive plus they’re not about to, you know, dress up when they’re just running out to walk the dog and pick up Thai Food, here. Pretty Pink Pearl. (Ew). British made (Like Helena Peabody). Nostalgia meets irony. (That’s my roller derby name). Knock yourselves out.
Will you buy from any of these brands?