The Real L Woes: Lesbian In-Fighting


At this point in life, I’ve been thrown into the lesbian ring a time or two and have always been amazed at just how intentionally cruel us ladies can can be to one another when the assumed name of the game is solidarity. Unfortunately, there is never a lack of examples, but watching Jodie Foster heroically, although carefully, come out to some pretty awful backlash was just one illustration of our infighting and how truly hurtful we can be towards our lady counterparts.

Lady/lady relationships are difficult, period. I’m not just talking about dating, much less sexual relationships or heaven forbid open relationships, I’m talking about the fundamentals of our relating to one another. Relationships take empathy, support and emotional maturity that are oft times left by the wayside in the heat of jealousy, hormones and HOW DARE YOU LIKE MY EXES FACEBOOK STATUS rages.

In theory, the best relationships are those that feel effortless but mutual affection proves again and again to be a battlefield, forcing us to navigate sensitivity and understanding when insecurity and cattiness seem to be all the rage. As technology continues to usher us further into the land of passive aggressive communication, we now have so many more digital platforms from which to absently hurt one another. Why is it that we make relating to one another so much more difficult than it needs to be?

I’m pretty sure the age-old adage said something about lezbros before other people. Whatever the phrasing, let’s remember that the idea holds some merit. That biting the hand that let’s you cry on their shoulder does not a fair and balanced friendship make. We should be looking out for one another instead of railroading each other in the name of unwarranted judgment, text message zingers, dating friends exes and dropping off the planet the minute a pair of low slung jeans with Justin Bieber bangs comes sniffing around.

Within our community we are fully aware of how much hurt these things can cause. Hours of processing have been spent mulling over the touchy situations that we get ourselves into only to have some of those same sufferers turn around and share the suffering. You know what I’m talking about. I’m sure you’ve even thought it before, or done it, but heartbreak is just the tip of the iceberg in the wide array of ways in which we hurt one another. We’re all a little guilty of hurting someone at some time and, while many times unintentional, we need to become more conscientious of the people who hold our hand and make us laugh in order to give more weight to the word community.

The D Word aside, dating, lesbian friendships already reside in the grey area often times succumbing to sex, insecurity fueled friend break-ups or any of the array of ex influenced messy situations. The already vague lines can become further blurred when dealing with the intricate depths of our connections, reason being, that our relationships are so very complex. Mix that with attempts at intermingling with other amazingly diverse while similarly complex people and you have a puzzle that is rarely, if ever, going to fit together perfectly. Things like The Chart aren’t doing us any favors either.

Finding true and weighty commonalities and mutual admiration with another lady is like finding a unicorn and so very important to our self-worth as well as our community as a whole. You know, the one we’re so proud of. So when your best friends’ ex starts to look like a good idea, or your feelings of insecurity would be so easily quelled if you spread that rumor, don’t. Instead, put it in perspective; remember that pesky golden rule and practice respect. Sharing and caring have a far more loving outcome than trampling all over another person’s feelings.

Then again, without drama there’d be no need processing and we all live for over-analyzing our feelings, especially if you’re a lesbian. Maybe it’s time to find a new hobby and save the drama for blog fodder. Or your mama.

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