So you think you want to take your girlfriend home for the holidays. Lucky her. And lucky you, because whatever your scenario, whoever your significant other, I’ve got a handy How To list. (Disclaimer: None of what I suggest will actually work.) Happy Holidays!
You met when: A.) You were grabbing a 4 p.m. dinner at Denny’s. B.) The mailman mistakenly left you her AARP pamphlet. C.) You enrolled in her Modern Depictions of Ancient Female Sexuality in Secular Texts seminar.
Surefire ways to talk her into coming home with you: Tell her there’s a Rod Stewart concert in your hometown.
Introduce her to your family by: Stressing how much she and your parents will have in common. They were all at Woodstock, after all.
How to get through dinner: Serve soft foods.
Passing the hours before bedtime: Actually, she’s already asleep, or as she calls it, “resting my eyes.”
Sleeping Arrangements: She and your mom are bonding over the Kennedy assassination and drinking red wine. They fall asleep entangled on the couch.
Gift Exchange: How did she know your mother had her eye on that cashmere throw from Restoration Hardware? Things are going much more smoothly than planned.
Family Casualties: She and your mom plan a trip to Belize.
You met when: A.) You purposely dropped an anvil on your toe so she would pick it up. B.) You mistook her for Arnold. C.) You sold her steroids.
Surefire ways to talk her into coming home with you: Promise she can carve the Christmas goose — with her bare hands.
Introduce her to your family by: Telling them she’s actually the roofer. You have no idea why she’s been here all weekend but you’re paying for the repairs.
How to get through dinner: Make sure there’s plenty of boneless, skinless chicken breasts.
Passing the hours before bedtime: Let her shovel your parent’s walk. And the neighbor’s.
Sleeping Arrangements: Your dad doesn’t even blink when you both head to your old bedroom. “Get some sleep, champ,” he tells her. They’ve made plans to rise early and lift various things together.
Gift Exchange: When your parents hand her a pink wicker basket filled with bubble bath, candles and lilac scented lotion, give your brother the signal to set the kitchen on fire.
Family Casualties: Your dad sprains his back.
You met when: A.) She adjusted you in downward dog. B.) You both reached for the last package of Vegan Chorizo. C.) She shut down your puppy mill.
Surefire ways to talk her into coming home with you: Actually, she talked you into it. She’s dying to meet your parents because as Buddha says, “What you are now is what you have been, what you will be is what you do now.”
Introduce her to your family by: First, hiding your mom’s mink. Then — never mind, she’s already got an arm over each of your parents’ shoulders and has promised to make her signature garlic/kale smoothie.
How to get through dinner: Steer the conversation away from your dad’s NRA membership.
Passing the hours before bedtime: She’s taken the initiative to lead the family in a series of digestion aiding yoga poses. Quick, while your thirteen-year-old sister shows her that ASPCA commercial, head to the kitchen and pound some gravy to make up for the Tofurky you forced down at dinner. “Sarah McLachlan really gets it,” she tells your sister as you slip back into the room.
Sleeping Arrangements: Just a straw mat on the basement floor, thank you. As Buddha says, “Let your diet be spare, your wants moderate, your needs few.”
Gift Exchange: She’ll shake her head every time a gift changes hands. The best bet here is probably to blindfold her and tell her she’s participating in your family’s yearly trust exercise.
Family Casualties: Your sister joins the Peace Corps.
You met when: A.) You took that Cardio Strip class. B.) She held her bridal shower at your lesbian bar. C.) You registered as a man on JDate.
Surefire ways to talk her into coming home with you: Do all those things her boyfriend won’t.
Introduce her to your family by: Taking her aside and whispering that your male twin has a girlfriend. And Gonorrhea. And raises rats.
How to get through dinner: Remove all phallic foodstuff from the dinner table. Out of sight, out of mind.
Passing the hours before bedtime: Invite her to touch your cheek and marvel over how soft it is compared to a guy’s. That always keeps ’em occupied.
Sleeping Arrangements: Definitely do her in your childhood bed.
Gift Exchange: She looks bored and you’re convinced it’s related to the fact that you don’t have a penis. Panic. PANIC!
Family Casualties: Where the fuck is your brother?
