Ask Alyssa: “Everyone thinks I’m her best friend!”

Hello Lovelies! I’m excited to share with you all some news about my own life. [Enter shameless plugs here!] I recently wrapped work on a really cool show called Project S.E.R.A., you can watch a sneak peek.

 

Sara from The Real L Word worked on it with me doing hair, which was so much fun! I’ll keep you posted on the air dates and places to catch it early next year, so please keep an eye out.

Also, my fiance’s band Love Darling is headed out on their first U.S. tour, please check them out at www.LoveDarlingMusic.com or >@Love_Darling on Twitter for their show dates. I highly recommend checking them out if they are in your city! Also, if you are in Texas or Lousiana, Whitney and Sara will be doing a bunch of appearances with them, so go get some.

Thank you for submitting your questions to me! I love connecting with you all so please, keep the questions coming and, as always, I’ll do my best to answer.

The Next Level

Hey Alyssa, love your column! You give the best advice, even better than my mom! I really hope you can help me. I met a girl a couple of weeks ago and we started seeing each other. We both like each other very much and yesterday she said she wanted to take it to the next level but that she didn’t want to be in a relationship because last time it had been with a man and he died last April. The real deal is that she says she’s over him, but the fact is that all of our friends talk about him all the time and everybody loved him and misses him because he was a great guy. So I sort of feel pressured to fill in his place — but at the same time I would love to be in a relationship with her. I don’t know if she’s just using me to get over him. I really need your help. xoxo — Uni.

Dear Uni, Thank you for reading. I’m glad you like my advice! This is a very interesting question. I think that there is a lot going on here. First, there is no need to rush into a relationship if you only just met this girl a few weeks ago. If this girl lost someone less than a year ago, I’m sure that even opening her heart up to the possibility of dating someone is a really big step. I’m sure its tough to feel like you have to fill in someone else’s shoes, but the truth is, no one can ever truly “replace” a loved one. I’m sure this girl will always hold a special place in her heart for this man who died, who she obviously loved, but that doesn’t mean that her heart can never again be happy with someone else.

I think that the best remedy for this is time. Give her time to feel comfortable with someone on a deeper level and let your relationship grow. I think that if you take this route, you will be building a much stronger foundation with patience, kindness, friendship and trust. Lots of Love — Alyssa

The Closet Case

Hi Alyssa, First of all, thanks for being the great, non-biased, advice-giver that you are. Here is my dilemma. The girl I’m dating now — well we started off as friends. She was my shoulder to lean on through two bad breakups. This whole time I just assumed she was straight. After being single for a while, and being friends with her for over two years, we got really close. She kept telling me she had to tell me something, that we were more alike than I thought. She would text me all the time. But I didn’t really put two and two together, since I just thought she was being a good friend.

A few weeks later we hung out and she finally told me what she had been wanting to tell me for a year: She had dated a girl before, and she liked me. I was so happy since I had started to really develop feelings for her (and kinda always had a crush on her, but since I assumed she was straight, and I don’t cross that line with straight friends, I never paid much attention to the feelings). We started talking more, hanging out more, kissing more. And I really fell for her.

Here comes the issue: She’s Very closeted. The only person who knew about it when I started dating her, was her ex-girlfriend. Usually when someone is closeted I run, fast. But with her I wanted to be patient, I wanted to help her through it because in every other way she is perfect for me. We love all the same things, have a great time together, she makes me laugh, she is the smartest girl I know, I look up to her and admire her. We haven’t U-hauled; we’ve thought about it, but decided to wait until she comes out to do that — as a “congrats, you did it!” — we’re fairly understanding of each others circumstances, but I’m starting to get frustrated. Granted, she has told two people since we started dating, and I’ve expressed such pride when she told me about it. I was SO happy for her, but these are two people that she now refuses to introduce me to.

I have been dating her for the past year. I love her VERY much. I can’t imagine my life without her. But I can’t deal with how closeted she is anymore, it breaks my heart. I know her entire family, they love me, they think I’m just her best friend. I play sports on the same teams as her and all her best friends and her cousin. And they all love me — we also have all become really close. Two of them have come to figure it out since they knew that I was bi, and have approached her telling her they still love her, and are happy for her, but now she won’t even hang out with them and me together since she gets nervous.

I want to help her come out on her own terms, but at this point I feel like I’ll have to wait forever. At this point I’m starting to take my frustrations out on her, and that’s not fair of me to do. Because I know that you can’t force anyone to come out, it’s a personal thing. I’ve even tried to break up with her for the duration of the school year since I know that the stress that my frustrations cause are ridiculous and something she shouldn’t have to deal with, but that didn’t last. She constantly tells me that she wants to be with me, that she sees a future with me. And I see it too — but not with this barrier of her being in the closet, and I really don’t know how long I can keep acting like there is nothing between us. I am so confused, I have no clue what to do anymore. Please, please help me. Signed — patience is a virtue.

Dear Patience, I understand and feel for you. It’s very difficult to be in a relationship with someone when it feels like a giant secret. I hear you, I really do. On one hand, you have declared that you “can’t imagine my life without her” and on the other hand you can’t deal with how closeted she is any more. Those are two very different emotions to be dealing with. I have said it before in a previous post, coming out is a very personal thing and you cannot force anyone to do so before they are ready, however, I know this is a real issue and a big struggle for you. It sounds to me like you have made a decision though, and that is that although you love her dearly you can’t be swept back into the closet with her or forced to pretend your feelings are something else completely. I think that you deserve to be with someone that is on the same page as you, and that your girlfriend deserves the right to come out when she feels ready.

That being said, you may need to take a break and see where things go. She may decide that being with you is what she truly wants and come out, or you may find someone else that makes you just as happy who is comfortable enough with their feelings to be totally out of the closet. The truth is, I can’t really tell you what to do in a situation like this, either you are completely fed up with hiding your relationship, or you decide that you can compromise your feelings a little longer to be with her.

Either way, you both deserve happiness and the right to do what makes you happy. I hope that for your sake she can find a way to start coming out a little faster, but if she doesn’t, I’m sure your love and confidence will be welcomed by someone who is as open as you are. Love — Alyssa

Regretful

I have been in a relationship with my girl for a year and a half. In the past few months I have caught her in a few lies that have hurt our relationship. I told her I wanted to go on a break and we have been on one for about two months now. We have been bickering a lot for the past two weeks now and finally yesterday she said she had enough and told me we were done.

I have been a tool. I have. Losing her has made me realize that I do want her. I’m willing to forgive her for those lies and to move on but she has her feet firmly planted in being single. I have given her second chances a lot in our relationship and I just want one too. However, she is telling me that she just wants to be single for awhile (not date anyone else) and that she’s not ruling out the possibility of getting back together with me down the road, but she can’t do that at this moment. So I guess my question is, how do i give her that space when all I want to do is just prove myself worthy and to show her that I’m worth it. Sincerely — Lost in Love

Dear Lost, Have you ever heard the phrase “If you love something let it go…”? I think perhaps this saying can apply to your relationship. Often times when a relationship is not working or in what I call the red zone, a couple will bicker about everything under the sun, they will be untruthful and many times quite mean to one another. If you are unable to turn that around, find forgiveness and be happy together then most of the time this is the first stage of a break up. It sounds to me like you were tired of feeling the way you were feeling and you used the lies and drama to empower yourself and move on.

Maybe now that you are alone after a year and a half of being in a relationship its hitting you, you are scared and you want to go back to what’s familiar. It sounds like you are regretful of your actions but I think they might have been the right move, especially since she has decided that she wants to enjoy being single. The only thing you can do is live your life, be a good friend to her and check in once and a while. Maybe when she sees that you too have moved on and are independent she will decide that she wants to give the relationship another shot. Its also quite possible tho, that once you start living your own life, without the drama that you may not want her back after all.

I’d say give yourself some time. Breakups are hard on everyone involved regardless of who is the dumper or the dumpee, so make sure you are taking care of yourself, try to enjoy life and if you ever need advice, you know where to go ;) Good Luck. Xo — Alyssa

Gay or Bi? That is the Question…

Hi Alyssa, I really love your advice you give people and I was wondering if you can help me. I’ve been out for a few years now and consider myself completely gay. But before I really figured out I was gay my really great guy friend and I used to hook up. He’s still a really great friend and when my girlfriend and I broke up earlier this year we started hanging out more and more and sometimes even make out. He recently started expressing feelings for me and told me he knew I was gay and that I didn’t like him like the way he liked me.

The problem is I almost corrected him. It really confused me. I always see myself with girls but he’s the only guy I can see myself dating. Except when it comes to having sex with him. I’ve had sex with men before so I know I don’t like it. I’m just so confused as to what exactly I want. Or where to even begin to figure it out. If you can shed some light on this that would be great. Thanks so much Alyssa! XOXO — Leah

Dear Leah, I think that sometimes we put too much stress on labels. I personally think that sexuality is fluid, and that each experience differs from person to person and situation to situation. If you have mutual feelings for your friend, I think you should explore those feelings. Just because you have always identified as gay doesn’t mean that you should deny yourself the possibility of being truly happy with this person simply because he is a man.

If this were me, I would try to explore how I really felt about him. It seems to me that you have revisited the idea of hooking up since you did it in the past and again more recently so even if you haven’t been attracted to guys as a whole there seems to be something about this one guy that does something for you. I’m assuming, because you probably wouldn’t make out with him (several times) if you weren’t at the least attracted to him. Maybe you are bisexual, and that’s totally OK. Maybe it’s just this one guy. Whatever the situation, I encourage you to give it a try, the worst thing that happens is that you realize you make better friends than you do lovers and then you move on from there. I hope that helps xo — Alyssa

If you have a question you would like me to answer email me at AskAlyssa@make-faces.com! Don’t forget to follow me on twitter at @AlyssaMorganLA xoxo!

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