Hello Lovelies! I’m excited to share with you all some news about my own life. [Enter shameless plugs here!] I recently wrapped work on a really cool show called Project S.E.R.A., you can watch a sneak peek.
Sara from The Real L Word worked on it with me doing hair, which was so much fun! I’ll keep you posted on the air dates and places to catch it early next year, so please keep an eye out.
Also, my fiance’s band Love Darling is headed out on their first U.S. tour, please check them out at www.LoveDarlingMusic.com or >@Love_Darling on Twitter for their show dates. I highly recommend checking them out if they are in your city! Also, if you are in Texas or Lousiana, Whitney and Sara will be doing a bunch of appearances with them, so go get some.
Thank you for submitting your questions to me! I love connecting with you all so please, keep the questions coming and, as always, I’ll do my best to answer.
The Next Level
Hey Alyssa, love your column! You give the best advice, even better than my mom! I really hope you can help me. I met a girl a couple of weeks ago and we started seeing each other. We both like each other very much and yesterday she said she wanted to take it to the next level but that she didn’t want to be in a relationship because last time it had been with a man and he died last April. The real deal is that she says she’s over him, but the fact is that all of our friends talk about him all the time and everybody loved him and misses him because he was a great guy. So I sort of feel pressured to fill in his place — but at the same time I would love to be in a relationship with her. I don’t know if she’s just using me to get over him. I really need your help. xoxo — Uni.
The Closet Case
Hi Alyssa, First of all, thanks for being the great, non-biased, advice-giver that you are. Here is my dilemma. The girl I’m dating now — well we started off as friends. She was my shoulder to lean on through two bad breakups. This whole time I just assumed she was straight. After being single for a while, and being friends with her for over two years, we got really close. She kept telling me she had to tell me something, that we were more alike than I thought. She would text me all the time. But I didn’t really put two and two together, since I just thought she was being a good friend.
A few weeks later we hung out and she finally told me what she had been wanting to tell me for a year: She had dated a girl before, and she liked me. I was so happy since I had started to really develop feelings for her (and kinda always had a crush on her, but since I assumed she was straight, and I don’t cross that line with straight friends, I never paid much attention to the feelings). We started talking more, hanging out more, kissing more. And I really fell for her.
Here comes the issue: She’s Very closeted. The only person who knew about it when I started dating her, was her ex-girlfriend. Usually when someone is closeted I run, fast. But with her I wanted to be patient, I wanted to help her through it because in every other way she is perfect for me. We love all the same things, have a great time together, she makes me laugh, she is the smartest girl I know, I look up to her and admire her. We haven’t U-hauled; we’ve thought about it, but decided to wait until she comes out to do that — as a “congrats, you did it!” — we’re fairly understanding of each others circumstances, but I’m starting to get frustrated. Granted, she has told two people since we started dating, and I’ve expressed such pride when she told me about it. I was SO happy for her, but these are two people that she now refuses to introduce me to.
I have been dating her for the past year. I love her VERY much. I can’t imagine my life without her. But I can’t deal with how closeted she is anymore, it breaks my heart. I know her entire family, they love me, they think I’m just her best friend. I play sports on the same teams as her and all her best friends and her cousin. And they all love me — we also have all become really close. Two of them have come to figure it out since they knew that I was bi, and have approached her telling her they still love her, and are happy for her, but now she won’t even hang out with them and me together since she gets nervous.
I want to help her come out on her own terms, but at this point I feel like I’ll have to wait forever. At this point I’m starting to take my frustrations out on her, and that’s not fair of me to do. Because I know that you can’t force anyone to come out, it’s a personal thing. I’ve even tried to break up with her for the duration of the school year since I know that the stress that my frustrations cause are ridiculous and something she shouldn’t have to deal with, but that didn’t last. She constantly tells me that she wants to be with me, that she sees a future with me. And I see it too — but not with this barrier of her being in the closet, and I really don’t know how long I can keep acting like there is nothing between us. I am so confused, I have no clue what to do anymore. Please, please help me. Signed — patience is a virtue.
I have been in a relationship with my girl for a year and a half. In the past few months I have caught her in a few lies that have hurt our relationship. I told her I wanted to go on a break and we have been on one for about two months now. We have been bickering a lot for the past two weeks now and finally yesterday she said she had enough and told me we were done.
I have been a tool. I have. Losing her has made me realize that I do want her. I’m willing to forgive her for those lies and to move on but she has her feet firmly planted in being single. I have given her second chances a lot in our relationship and I just want one too. However, she is telling me that she just wants to be single for awhile (not date anyone else) and that she’s not ruling out the possibility of getting back together with me down the road, but she can’t do that at this moment. So I guess my question is, how do i give her that space when all I want to do is just prove myself worthy and to show her that I’m worth it. Sincerely — Lost in Love
Gay or Bi? That is the Question…
Hi Alyssa, I really love your advice you give people and I was wondering if you can help me. I’ve been out for a few years now and consider myself completely gay. But before I really figured out I was gay my really great guy friend and I used to hook up. He’s still a really great friend and when my girlfriend and I broke up earlier this year we started hanging out more and more and sometimes even make out. He recently started expressing feelings for me and told me he knew I was gay and that I didn’t like him like the way he liked me.
The problem is I almost corrected him. It really confused me. I always see myself with girls but he’s the only guy I can see myself dating. Except when it comes to having sex with him. I’ve had sex with men before so I know I don’t like it. I’m just so confused as to what exactly I want. Or where to even begin to figure it out. If you can shed some light on this that would be great. Thanks so much Alyssa! XOXO — Leah