AdviceArchive

Dear Me: Letters To Our Younger Selves On National Coming Out Day

Today we are celebrating National Coming Out Day and we’re celebrating by playing disco and dancing at Babylon. OK, no. We decided against that plan. There’s always next year.

The book The Letter Q asked queer writers to pen a letter to their younger selves to offer advice, humor, perspective, and hope for the kids that they were because they certainly weren’t the only ones who could use a few words of encouragement. We loved the idea so much that we decided to contribute a few more letters. To honor today and the coming out right of passage it celebrates, we asked the AfterEllen writers and some other friends of the site to contribute her own letter to her younger self. I hope you will enjoy reading them as much as I have.

Dear Jill,

You have no idea you are queer. You will have no idea until you are making out with the woman who will become your wife. This is fine. It does not make all those unrequited crushes you had on smart boys lies. The world is vast. You are fine.

The one thing you do know, right now, in your conservative small town, is that it’s the homophobic comments out of all the other hurtful comments you hear that make you the angriest. Anger is an emotion you will struggle with all your life; while people view you as an eternally calm and pleasant person, inside rage fills you and feels too big for your frame. Like most things, you feel like you need to express it. And when you do you inevitably feel ashamed afterwards because you didn’t know how to control it. Hold on to your anger. It does not make you a bad person.

You feel most comfortable hanging out with boys; you feel most comfortable talking about music with boys. Talking about music becomes less fun one day when a boy you grew up with, who you used to play Nintendo and drink lemonade with, said that Freddie Mercury deserved to die because he was a fag. You have a horrible memory, but you will remember this moment forever. It will be so crystal clear in your memory that you’ll wonder if you made it up.

Here’s what you need to know: hold on to that rage. Do not feel ashamed of it. But you have to channel it wisely. You have to hold that anger for the purpose of hope. You can’t hold it for redemption, for revenge, for empty, hurtful motives. You have to be angry while still realizing that your hometown is full of good people, even that boy that day. You have to be angry while still believing people are good. Listen to people. Love people. Be willing to change your perspectives. People will try to deconstruct your hope, will tell you you are only hopeful because you are privileged; will tell you you are full of fluff, that your hope is ignorant and misguided. Believe in your own anger as much as you believe in your own hope. It is the only thing that has ever made the world better.

You are going to do great things, and you are loved.

Love,

Jill Guccini

Dear Little Linster:

Go to the library. Not the church library or the school library, but the big one downtown. Look up “lesbian.” You are one, which should answer a lot of your self-questioning about your sexual feelings (or lack thereof). You were born this way. Not everyone will accept you or understand, but you will be fine. In fact, if you look around, you will realize that you have several good friends who are lesbians, too.

Next, look up “clinical depression.” That also applies to you, and will answer the question about why you are negative and don’t like yourself. Despite what you may hear from uninformed people, you can’t snap out of it — trust me. Ask a doctor about depression as soon as you can, and take the medication. You will be amazed, I promise, at what life actually is like.

By the way, being a lesbian and being chemically depressed are not at all related. Be who you are; do what you love; know that putting your own happiness first is the only way to help anyone else.

Hang in there,

Old Linster

P.S. Some people are stupid.

Hey kiddo,

So tomorrow is your first day of high school. Your clothes are all laid out, your lunch is packed, and you’re full of hope that this will at least be better than middle school, which turned very sour when your best friend accused you of being, like, obsessed with her. I’m sure the main thing you want me to tell you, as your future self, is whether you will date any cute boys in high school. The answer is yes, but they won’t ever make you happy. Actually most of the things that are supposed to be the highlights of adolescence – from the “parties” where you just watch guys play video games, to the illegally obtained Smirnoff Ice – will make you feel like everyone else is laughing at a joke you just don’t get. You’re going to be weird at the time when being normal is most rewarded, and you’re going to be sad. A lot.

Not that it’s all bad. Remember, the theatre department is your friend, but you’re really not making your life any easier by joining the marching band. People will tell you to get your nose of that book, but don’t listen because you’ll remember the book far longer than the jerk who made fun of you. And because you’re you, you’re going to take all that sadness and left-outness, and use it to become a writer, which is what you always wanted anyway.

Now I know, 14-year-old Laney, you want to get back to the thing about the boys. Why don’t they make you happy? Let’s just say it’s a surprise life is saving for college, when you will end up sleeping with some of the gir – ahem – people whose approval you wanted most in high school. Life is strange that way. In the meantime, just keep being you. Keep laughing too loud and making your own Halloween costumes and sneaking up into the woods with a bow and arrow like the fucking weirdo you are. The best is definitely yet to come.

Oh and p.s. either don’t wear that white shirt tomorrow or else don’t drink chocolate milk at lunch. Just trust me.

Elaine Atwell

Things kind of suck, I know, but trust me that the way you love will eventually bring enormous joy into your life. Your family will still support you. Your mom will keep a folder on her desk for letters she writes to newspapers that publish anti-gay articles. Your best friend will say, “I already knew.” Almost everyone in your life, yourself included, will wonder why you didn’t come out sooner. When you do come out, you will feel awkward and terrified, like you are in a new body. But then you will feel power and freedom. You will see the world from a new perspective – not as a place where you don’t belong, but as a place of opportunity. You’ll finally understand Shakespeare. The way you love will help you create things that you are proud of – poems, stories, relationships, two incredible children. You will not wish this “difference” away; rather, you’ll think it is one of the most important and beautiful parts about you. I know you’re hiding and scared, but somewhere inside you know this even now. Believe it.

Heather Aimee O’Neill

Dear Bridget — BTW, great name!

I know you’ve been struggling with your weight, feeling lost in the family as a middle child and you literally have no friends at school and often sit alone at lunch while eating four ice cream sandwiches but I’m here to tell you it’s going to be ok.

First off, you’re lactose intolerant so stop with the ice cream! Secondly use your time in silence to listen to other people and the world around you. That loneliness is actually an opportunity for discovery and self reflection.

Tell your parents you desperately need glasses. The reason you have those terrible migraines is because you can’t focus one inch away from your face. Although you are pretty good at tennis for someone who can’t see.

The good times and bad times are both educational so keep your head up and just know that one day soon you will meet your soulmate who is loving and supportive of all your dreams. And on November 16, 2007, the night you meet your future wife, put on a cuter outfit.

Love,

Bridget

Bridget McManus

Dear Karman –

I know that you love to learn but hate the social politics of school, but it will all be over soon enough. You will finally go to college, you will come out and conditions will drastically improve. Until then, lay off the Doritos and go for more walks in the woods. One day you will live in a big city and really miss communing with nature. Don’t quit your band. You started it, so if you’re not having fun just fire everyone and start over. Practice telling people how you really feel instead of just always “sucking it up.” Don’t worry about the fact that you have zero interest in all of your male classmates. One day you will actually get married to a woman who is way nicer, funnier and more beautiful than the hottest girl in your high school (yes, I saw you checking her out). Also, calm down about Stevie Nicks. You will meet her one day and she will exceed all of your expectations.

Finally, please write more entries about your big gay feelings in your blue denim-covered journal. It will make you feel better to get it all out and your older self will have a good laugh when she reads them one day.

Sincerely,

Karman

Karman Kregloe

I spent a good portion of my late teens until my mid-20s so hyper focused on my career that it was very convenient to not deal with my sexuality. When I did start to take dating a bit more seriously, I did what any natural young woman would do: I went out with guys! And, after every date, I always wondered “Is this what this dating thing is all about? Eh!”

There were no bells. There were no whistles. There were no butterflies in my stomach.

By this time, my life was going well. I was on a television series; I was also doing an abundant amount of guest-star spots on television shows, and working on films. My life was amazing! Except, I didn’t have a love life. I couldn’t find a boyfriend! I couldn’t “fall in love.” HELL, I DIDN’T EVEN KNOW WHAT THAT MEANT?!

I actually thought something was wrong with me.

I got very depressed as I saw one friend after another fall in love, date, and get into serious relationships. I started having panic attacks and inevitably had to go see a therapist to figure out what was wrong. No one told me to go, no one made me go, I just wanted some help.

That therapist never told me I could possibly be gay. She never told me that something was or wasn’t wrong with me. I honestly can’t remember what I got out of those sessions other than the fact that my therapist was beautiful, sensitive, and hoped she could make me feel better. I felt closer to her, opened up so easily with her, and it never occurred to me….

I think my higher power was kind enough to finally make it SO INCREDIBLY CLEAR to me that I might be “gay” (Gasp!) that he put me in a situation where I was asked out by an old managers sister! Something in me stirred. Something in me started to ‘wake up’ at just the notion of going on a date with this woman. I pushed myself to explore that feeling. I took a deep breath and plunged into the possibility that I might like women. That I might be a ‘lesbian’.

I felt all sorts of things: Shame, doubt, insecurity. After all, I am a Latin woman, with a very strong Catholic upbringing, and a very, very, STRAIGHT family.

However, as I look back on that time in my life, I think I knew, even back then, that I OWED IT TO MYSELF to explore the idea, this notion, of even the remote possibility that I could be gay. I JUST WANTED TO BE HAPPY. I JUST WANTED TO BE IN LOVE. I JUST wanted to feel like all the girls did when they fell in love. I just wanted to be NORMAL. I, too, had my perfect dress I wanted to wear at my wedding (Vera Wang, thank you very much), the shoes, the house, the white picket fence. However, I had to dare myself to ‘risk’ the stigma of what it is in this country to be ‘gay’. But, being HAPPY was more important to me.

Today, as I look back to my younger self, I would give her a big hug and say ‘You did it! I’m proud of you!’ I would smile, hug myself, and say “You see. Nothing was wrong with you: You are as normal as the next person who wants to love and be loved.”

Today, while no longer in that first relationship (that’s a completely different story! You’ll have to see Slip Away to get the gist of that disaster. LOL!), I AM IN A LOVING, HEALTHY, relationship….with a woman.

Today, I am happy. And, there is no other way I would have it.

I. Am. Proud. Of. Myself.

Michelle C. Bonilla

Dear Mariah,

Wow, the things I would change if I could. But actually, in hindsight, I wouldn’t change a thing. Your mistakes make up who you are and the possibility of who you can become, much better than your success. So don’t be so hard on yourself!

As for practical advice: Ask her out! Don’t be afraid she’ll say no. At the end of the day, you barely remember the no’s. You get over the embarrassment, but the never asking – you never forget those. And when she says yes, just be yourself. You’ve way more to offer than you give yourself credit for. And speaking of credit, when you pay with your credit card, on your first date, DO NOT write on the back treating your date like a tax write off. She did not like that!

Follow your gut. It always steers you due North. Be good and true, kind and honest. In the end, it’s the acts of kindness people remember.

Be out. Don’t be afraid. And I’m proud of you that you told everyone in your family that you are gay. BUT you never actually told your Father. And even though he never mentions you are gay, he’s always telling you he read about you so talk openly. The room is not big enough for that elephant, too. And assure yourself, no matter how he responds, he’s proud of you. Don’t let your fears get n the way of allowing him to accept you, just the way you are. And even if he doesn’t, speaking your truth is far better than living in a shadow of who you really are. Live out loud, and bold. Always.

And never ever hesitate to go out on that limb. It’s where the fruit is.

Do more of what feels good and less of what doesn’t. Seriously, That one’s a big one.

And lastly, through all the trials and tribulations of your career and personal life, take the high road, always, no matter how tempted you are, or wronged you feel. The one thing about the high road many people never even get to experience, ’cause they didn’t take it, is how sublime the view.

Mariah Hanson

Hey you,

If this letter reaches you, then time travel exists, McFly. Rather than speak about the possibilities of this phenomenon, this letter is supposed to be a loving missive to myself as you, the high school senior that you are. As you know, we don’t think about our “self” to kindly or lovingly or highly – which makes this letter particularly difficult to write. But just listen, because the amazing life that you’ve lead is going to become turbulent very quickly, and I’m here as a kind of precautionary voice – one that I myself, the 32-year-old version of your 17-year-old self, could benefit from listening to.

Most important thing to hold dear to yourself: always listen to yourself and trust your instinct. Correlatively and actually even more important: do things for yourself and yourself alone. Stop trying to please others – you start putting others first this year…with you know who, and doing things to impress him instead of doing things for yourself. This results in your increasingly shitty self-esteem and your burgeoning eating disorder.

STOP DOING THINGS FOR OTHER PEOPLE.

STOP DOING THINGS TO IMPRESS PEOPLE.

You, meaning-I-meaning-us, still do this today. We do this because we think it’s the only way that people will like us or date us. People “like” us or interact with us because we can do things for them. To be honest, this is generally but not wholly true. Keep that in mind – be cautious, but don’t shut everyone out.

Speaking of dating: yeah, it’s not really on your mind, and it won’t be for quite some time. Sometimes I wonder if you’ve had it right all along; that it’s better for one’s sanity and productivity to remain asexual. That said, one day when you’re at Oxford a lovely little Irish One will come after to you – because she genuinely likes you. Yes, she. And this – not that she’s a she but that she for some unknown reason wants to hang out with you and be with you-confuses you greatly, and, consequently, you push her away for quite some time. But then you give in, and when you do it will be a lovely first relationship…minus her gay shame and how it manifests in a handful of unsavory ways. Be proud that none of that shame washed off on you.

And, on the whole “gay” thing: yeah, it was never a big deal for you, and you don’t ever have a “coming out,” and that’s fine and actually super cool. That said, remember that Kate recently told you outside of Mr. Straughn’s class that she, in reference to all those Michelle Pfeiffer pictures lining your bedroom walls, bets that you’ll “come out” in five years. Granted, it’s no official “coming out,” but you’re gay-pretty-gay-all-the-way as in Gold Star Gay, but in the fifth year you’ll indeed come out. When you tell Kate you’ll reward her with dinner…and sex.

She’s a good friend.

Now, just try to be a good friend to yourself.

Marcie Bianco

Young Trish,

It’s taken Older Trish a while to forgive herself, er, myself for not having seen it all sooner. You could really help me out if, perhaps, you’d at least question your sexuality once. Listen, I get it; you live in a place and a time where the girls that will eventually be your type are hiding awkwardly behind the long hair and feminine outfits they think they have to wear to fit in; or they’re like you, buying oversized band T-shirts and even more oversized wide-leg jeans to help identify you as “alternative.” You know you’re different, but you don’t really know why. You just feel it.

I know you think you’re just too big for the school, the town, the state; that someday, when you’re 18, you’ll be on the first train out of Michigan and into the closest big city where there will be some kind of mysterious guy that will finally be worth feeling something about. But I’m going to save you a lot of frustration right now: You won’t find this hypothetical guy. Or you’ll find him in a few different male forms but not be truly interested in any of them. It’s not you; it’s them. Well, I guess it is you, technically.

But here’s what you can do about it, me. While you are at your next concert, in your next theater production, or at your next soccer or basketball camp, look at the women around you. Behind that ponytail is a baby butch just waiting to take some scissors to her mane. The girls that have masculine swagger are only going to grow more into it, not out of it; and you’re going to be swooning over it. And when you skip your prom to go watch that band who has a super hot frontwoman in Detroit, you can acknowledge it’s because you want to make out with her. When you look her up on AOL to see if she has a boyfriend and get mad when she does, it doesn’t make you weird; it makes you gay. And that is amazing.

You have so many different sides to you, and you don’t have to choose. You can be artistic and athletic. You can enjoy dressing however makes you happy without worrying about what size it says or what will keep you looking normal. But I’m telling you, if you want to have sex before college, you should probably find the one other lesbian in town and find some feelings to write angsty poetry about. Seriously, I read your shit while I was at home last, and it was lacking. You were “in love” with a gay guy. It was never going to work.

And you might think there aren’t any lesbians in your school, but I’m telling you there are. They are friends with you on Facebook. Eventually you’ll learn about Facebook.

Love,

Trish

1. You WILL get a girlfriend. Eventually. So be patient.

2. Keep up hope. When you do start dating, it will make up for all the loneliness.

3. Ignore the people who say you’re too pretty to be gay.

4. Dress like a tomboy. Girls will respond to this.

5. Keep your hair long, but add layers. Wear less makeup. Don’t pluck your eyebrows.

6. Pretend you’re not as shy as you are.

7. Don’t let your friends slip away.

8. Play hard-to-get.

9. Don’t tell anyone you’re a kid unless you want to be treated like one.

10. Read books about how to be more outgoing.

11. Write. And write. And write.

12. Stay the same. You’re doing everything right, you just don’t know it yet.

Tucky Williams

Hi Kid,

Wow, look at all the energy you are putting into hiding who you are. You grew out that short haircut in time to start a new school where no one had ever set eyes on you before. You’re sarcastic, sometimes funny, and sometimes rude in an attempt to keep everyone at arm’s length. You worry that if they get too close they are going to see it.

You already know you’re gay. You’re old friends with that ache in your chest and the devastating longing whenever you talk to those girls, the girls you can’t help but love. Those girls aren’t going to love you back, and that is going to hurt so much and for a long time. You won’t want to admit to it but you do know why you cry when you hear those songs, the ones that remind you of those girls. You know why but you refuse to name it.

Don’t worry. Someday, not too long from now, you are going to meet the girl who loves you back. You won’t guess who it is right away because you’ll think she’s like the others who are wonderful friends but never more. But she’s different, even if she doesn’t know it yet. She’s going to love you the way you never allowed yourself to dream was possible.

I know you’re still terrified that someone is going to see you for who you are and that they are going to give a name to that difference in you. It’s why you feel awkward around your softball coach and why you barely talk to the lesbian dorm parent even if you think she’s the coolest thing in the world. You fear they will see through the sarcasm and that they already know. They do know, everyone knows. Your best friend who you “secretly” love knows, and yes, she also knows you love her. They love you anyway. So whenever you do decide to stop this hiding they will be here to embrace you.

Here’s the last thing I have to tell you. You are spending so much time, so much effort trying to fit in, trying to bend yourself to match the other kids in school. You see how they talk, walk, act, what they say and what they would never say. You can try to contort yourself all you want. But there is going to come a time when you stop hiding from anyone. You’ll come out to the people at the grocery store, or the bank, to anyone who mistakenly thinks you are married to a man. You will no longer be scared when people think you are gay because the only thing that bothers you now is when people don’t know you’re gay. “What are you talking about, that is insane. Why in the name of heaven would I ever think that,” you ask? Kids.

That’s right, girl who thought she would never, ever get married, not in a million years, never ever. You are married to that girl who loved you back and the two of you have kids. If that doesn’t blow your little teenage mind, I don’t know what else I can tell you. Isn’t the world a motherf-cker?

You’ll be all right, I promise. Just keep your chin up, punk.

Lucy Hallowell

Dear 14-year-old Laura,

I just want you to know that the fuzzy warm feeling you get when you think about your best friend Julia, is real. That excitement when you have plans together, is anticipation to be with her. When you fantasize about being a boy and doing things to her that only boys do, that is denial.

I know you feel sick to your stomach and are not sure what it is, don’t let it stop you. You need to let it out. That night you sat in her kitchen, fumbling your words, trying to speak, it was one step closer. The fact that she wasn’t open minded and told you to shut the fuck up and get the fuck out of her house, was her being scared.

I know you don’t understand and just need a friend. I wish you wouldn’t go back to that place in hiding, we need you to help change peoples minds. We need you to be different, who cares what people think? They need to get over it, they don’t know what you’re going through! Break down walls, break barriers, break through the one worlds misconception of love. We are so many more people, and we are going to do this together. It’s time to come out and to be proud, you are you and fuck ’em if they don’t get it.

Laura Petracca

Dear Kiyomi,

You have had a very lucky and blessed situation when it came to coming out. Sure, you managed to do it on the front page of the most widely, distributed newspaper in Canada, but hey! How else would you have wanted it?

So now that your mom knows your gay from walking in on you going down on your girlfriend for the first time and the country knows your gay from your newspaper debut, please carry your sexuality with confidence and pride. Keep your head up and don’t let anyone ever tell you how to live your life.

The most important thing I need to tell you though, is actually not about you, it is about others. I need you to remember that YOU ARE LUCKY. Not everyone had it as easy as you. Some people were picked on at school, kicked out of their house, fired from their job and the list goes on. I want you to remember that from here on out it is YOUR job to help these people. When they get kicked down, you will help them back up. When they don’t have a voice, you will help them find one.  

You had the courage and strength to come out and now you need to help them find that strength too.

Love, your older, but still not mature friend,

Kiyomi

Kiyomi McCloskey

Now that you’ve read what we would like to send back in time to ourselves, it’s your turn. What advice, words of wisdom, encouragement, or anything else would you like to share with your younger self?

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