Archive

Monifah on being black, gay and an R&B Diva

Singer Monifah is best known for her 1998 single “Touch It,” but she’s back in the spotlight on the new TVOne reality series R&B Divas. Having spent the last 20 years in a strained relationship with her daughter because of her substance abuse issues, Monifah is finally in a good place where she is working on herself, her relationships and re-starting her music career.

On the first episode of R&B Divas, viewers met Monifah’s partner, Terez, and on this week’s episode, her daughter Akemi, who doesn’t agree with her mom’s lesbian partnership. We had the chance to speak with Monifah about coming out, letting cameras into her life and why she thinks there aren’t a lot of out gay black celebrities.

AfterEllen.com: What is your coming out story? When did you come out?

Monifah Carter: I had made a conscious decision to start dating women. I have a few gay people in my family, so it was pretty normalized. It wasn’t like a huge deal. My brother who is 12 years older than me – we were very close. He was like my brother [and my] dad – brother/dad. We were very close. He was gay. I made the decision – so I almost felt, when I made that decision… I made the decision because I had a really weird and abusive relationship with this guy. And I was like, “You know what ?” Once I got through that, I was like, I’m gonna date women. Because I did, at a certain point, when I was 17, I had a crush on this young woman, and I just wanted to kiss her. I was like “Oh my gosh! What’s going on?” So I was like “Let me explore this.” It was a conscious decision. I was about 23 about the time I had hooked up with Heav [Heavy D] and was working in stuff in music, recording. I just started dating this woman. I met this young lady and she was awesome, and she was a friend of a friend and we hit it off and that was it, you know? That was it. That was the beginning of my same-sex relationships.

AE: So it was before you recorded your first album?

MC: It was during, like it was simultaneous. We were together when I first started recording my first album. So it was newness all around. I had just got my record deal, just getting into that, recording my project, having my first intimate relationship with a woman. So it was a lot going on. It was an explorative time in my life, and that’s to say the least. I don’t like the label thing and I know in the community I’m a part of and I do claim, I just hate to label things. I just really base things on like tolerance and being human beings. And the bottom line is as human beings we deserve to be treated equally and fairly. We should all enjoy the same rights across the board. And because I have the capability of loving, you know, both genders, I’m attracted to and have had great relationships with both men and women. I’m big on how I, as an individual, identify, as myself. That’s what is important, do you understand? I’m big on that. I don’t like to label myself anything but a human being, God’s child, capable of loving, period. Loving anyone. So there it is.

AE: I understand. You’re a role model you’re in the public eye, so on the one hand you want to be able to say “I’m gay” to help other gay kids, but if you say “I’m bisexual” or queer, which I like to throw “queer” out there because I think it’s a great all-encompassing word.

MC: Yeah, yeah, I think so too!

AE: Do you find yourself struggling now that you are out publicly? It’s almost like you are almost forced to put a label on it.

MC: But I don’t. And that’s what’s funny, trying to make sure I’m very clear about that because I think that’s where we get tripped up a lot and I think that’s where the misunderstanding with the groups of people and people from different walks don’t understand. I think that’s where we get tripped up. I think people really needs to understand it’s how the individual identifies themselves not how you need to identify them. That’s completely the thing.

AE: Right, well there’s a B in LGBTQ. There is a B and people don’t talk about that and it’s really there.

MC: Bisexuality? Yeah that’s true! I get stuck with that a lot. It’s not about being all over the place. When I take about responsibility and stuff. Everybody is guilty of being irresponsible at some point, if that’s the case. It’s not about being greedy; it’s none of that stuff to me. We could go on and on and on really! That’s why I say I’m in a committed same-gender loving relationship, you know what I’m saying?

AE: Speaking of which, Terez seems awesome. She seems like a wonderful person. How long have you been with Terez?

MC: We’ve been together two years now. Actually – yes, two years now, July.

AE: I’m really glad she came to the baby shower [in episode 1].

MC: Ha! yeah.

AE: I want to talk about the past and I want to talk about now. Did you ever fear being outed back when you were 23, recording your first album?

MC: Lindsey, hell no. No! Let me tell you this: I have always lived my life authentically and exactly how I wanted to. I was dating women. People in the industry were very aware of who I was and what I was into at that point. They knew. I never hid it. I didn’t hide it.

AE: Who hid it? I mean, you weren’t out publicly.

MC: No! I was out publicly. I would be at parties with my girlfriend. It was very clear. It may be unspoken, but I didn’t feel like I needed to make an announcement. I just lived! You know what I’m saying? I just lived! Like most people I know.

AE: Absolutely. Well have you ever dated anyone that was in the closet?

MC: Um – I don’t think – no. In the closet? No. I wouldn’t say in the closet.

AE: What would you call it?

MC: Not in the closet, but not necessarily making any public statements.

AE: I guess that’s my question then.

MC: [Laughs] What’s your question?

AE: If you are a celebrity and you are gay and you are asked “Are you gay?” by press and media and you choose not to discuss it, to me and to a lot of people, that is in the closet.

MC: OK, got it, got it!

AE: So I guess that’s the divide. Do you feel that living an openly gay life or being open and honest, that there is a line drawn at press and media?

MC: Well yes because that’s still a personal thing. Your personal life is your personal life. Heterosexual couples do it all the time. Men and women that are in the business or whatever – whatever they choose to do! I am gonna say with entertainers and people in the public eye, I think that it’s a personal choice. I don’t discredit – I don’t have a problem with anyone not discussing certain aspects of their personal lives at all. It doesn’t bother me. What I chose to do was what I chose to do was because I never had an issue anyway. The show was about my life, and my life emcompasses the person I love and who I’m sharing my life with, which means my mom, my daughter, my girlfriend now, and whatever else is going on! I’m in a place where I’m walking in transparency. I’ve been through some struggles and I have nothing – you’re as sick as your secrets. I mean that in the things that can harm us – not with my sexuality; I mean drug addiction, sex addiction, things like that. I have to walk the truth. And so I was fine with sharing my personal relationship, which has uplifted me and given me a great new perspective and has given me such great support. This woman has been such a blessing to me and so I would never even think twice about celebrating that openly.

AE: You talked earlier about how everyone deserves the same rights. And I think that is something we all have to stand up for and I can tell by the way that you’re talking you believe that. So how do you feel about role models. You say it’s a personal choice but if we are fighting for equal rights –

MC: Right, I agree. Let me back up on this Lindsey, I got you. I do wish that it wasn’t such a big deal but I think that’s still, again, a private and personal thing. Because I think people are conflicted within themselves. It’s not even about what other people think; I think that’s the second door you have to open. The first door, is the acceptance of self. So if you’re still conflicted with acceptance of self, how do we expect for you to be honest and feel comfortable? I wish people really – it’s a scary thing. I get it, I’ve done it. I’m doing it. It’s an everyday process. It’s not some “Oh now it’s over.” I wish that people would take those steps and move out of the self-loathing pocket and more into the self-acceptance pocket. Once you’re not conflicted within yourself, speak out because this needs to be normalized. It has to stop. We do need to see these images of self. These children do need to see that there’s nothing wrong with them. They do need to see that so-and-so is amazing, talented and is taking over the world, handling his business and so can I. And they’re just like me! We need to see these images. Our children need to see them.

AE: Absolutely. Did anyone ever tell you, even though you were living an open life, did they say you might not want to speak publicly about your sexuality?

MC: Oh yeah, all the homophobes in the business. Yeah, oh my God, yes! Mostly everybody who was in control, who runs the industry. It’s a male-run industry, basically. And in my opinion, a gay-male run industry. That’s crazy to me. Overall! It’s Jewish gay males, right? I mean, am I crazy? [Laughs]

AE: No, I think what you’ve seen what you’ve seen, for sure! [Laughs] I think it’s really important to understand the reasons why that someone as famous as you, nobody knew until now!

MC: Yeah. I do think that Middle America, across the board, may not have known, but the people that are kind of privy and in the circle you run in – I’ve hung out at Girl Bar parties. I’ve lived my life! And I didn’t really – People would say “Oh she likes girls” especially now with blogs and stuff. It’s way more prevalent with social media and technology is more prevalent; way more in your face. In the entertainment industry, it’s become such a tool. It was definitely out there. People can believe what they like to believe and that’s depends on what they need to believe.

AE: They see what they want to see for sure. When you say “your community,” were you talking about R&B, black artists? Were you saying you were religious? Which community are you talking about?

MC: I was saying the LGBTQ community, because I have a large following. I’m a singer and it is what it is. I have multitudes of people that I care about and we’re part of this community. We’re part of this community of humanity. But this is a sub community, because it’s not “normal” so there has to be an LGBT community. You understand what I’m saying?

AE: I often think it’d be really cool if every single person that was gay would do like “Hands Across America.” Like everybody would come out at the same time and minds would be blown!

MC: Do you know how many people would fall on the floor? I mean, first of fall, that’s way too deep to get into… Like I said, there’s a lot of self-loathing and self-conflicted people and I think that it’s based out of fear and fear because of the social climate. People are unforgiving and people are mean and hateful and are not moving in love these days. It’s really hard, these days, to find that. And I get it. But you gotta start somewhere, right? Somebody has to do something somewhere. It always starts with one person. It starts with a few people.

AE: And I really commend you because one of the reasons we’re so self-hating is we’re taught that we’re wrong. And so it contributes to that, and you coming out and being a role model, kids get to look up to you and be like “She’s cool, I’m cool! Why would I hate myself? This is great!” I guess that answers how you feel about people that are in the closet.

MC: I love them. I love people. You can only live for you and that’s why I’m doing what I’m doing because I feel it’s what’s right for me. It’s what I believe. I’m walking and being the change I’d like to see in the world. In my way. A small portion, that’s how I feel, I’m doing it. And I’m proud of myself. I can’t knock anybody else for not, because everybody has to come to their conclusions about who they are and what they want out of their lives for themselves. Or not, you know what I’m saying?

AE: Let’s just pretend that Terez was in the closet, or unwilling to be open about the relationship. Would you be able to date someone that wasn’t open? Would you be able to climb back into that closet? Have you ever had to do that?

MC: I don’t know. Depending if it was a decision of livelihood, not about self, but maybe something external like her livelihood or something like that, I might consider it. But I don’t know because I never opted to do that and I never had to do that.

AE: You said, in the show’s trailer, that your definition of a diva is “talented, fearless and vulnerable,” which I just loved. I thought that was so perfect. And you really have made yourself vulnerable in this show, talking about your drug addiction and the fact that you’re sober now. You also talked about having a baby early and you felt that you’d be a different or better kind of mother now if you were to have a child. Do you feel like that’s the same with your career, now that you’re trying to jumpstart your career again? Are there mistakes that you made in the past that you’re looking to not do in the future and what are those?

MC: Well I won’t do them! Once you know, you can’t go back and not know them! I absolutely do have a set blueprint. I do have a better idea of the minefield that I won’t step. I know the path of the minefield and I know how to get around it. It was youth-driven. We think we know it all, we think we’re invincible. When you’re younger, you think the world is revolving around you. So experiencing life and going through stuff has I think made me an extremely grateful, much more savvy and gracious person. Mistakes, I’ve outgrown them. I can’t repeat them because I know now and I can’t go back to not knowing and I choose to adhere to what I know and move accordingly.

AE: Was that the first time you came out to your daughter or was that for TV?

MC: No, no no no. It wasn’t for TV, it wasn’t about that. What it’s about was that, in her walk, in her growth experience – I will speak for her through my eyes. She’s found her faith and she has some conviction, as many as she can have at 21 in the experience she’s had, up until now. And that has yet to be seen. People change. If you took a question from an interview when I was 24 and asked me the same question now, I will guarantee you that there’s a different answer because of the years of living and the experience that has come in between. It changes your perspective. I’m leaving room for that, for the experience, for her to know. Who she is, I have to respect what she feels and what she believes and what it’s helping her go through. And I’m proud of that because that’s how we raised her. We’ve instilled some stuff in her. How can I be mad at that?

AE: Are you a religious person?

MC: I’m a spiritual person. Religious, no.

AE: Well I think that’s really neat! Obviously I wouldn’t ask you to talk about your daughter, but from what I saw on the show, she is so lovely and so smart. That couldn’t have been a better answer. I found it interesting when you were talking to the camera and you said you weren’t hurt because you love her so much so you’re giving her that room.

MC: Yeah! How can I do that? That’s what we have to stop doing as a people! As humans, we have to agree to live differently and still respect each other and tolerate and be patient and compassionate. Those are the things that are going to move this world to another place. It’s not about forcing each other’s belief systems and beliefs and “You should think like I think.” How whack would the world be if that’s what we were all alike? How can I be upset? I hope that she knows how to stand for what she believes by watching me and her dad and my mom and the people she’s around. How could I be angry about that? No.

AE: It’s a really beautiful thing. You are there to lead by example and not by force. It really shows through. I also found it interesting to see Michael’s reaction to your having a same-sex partner and Keke and him getting into almost an argument and her saying “I have three gay brothers!” That for me was a turning point of the show. I was like “Woah, that’s a twist!” Is that an ongoing dispute with them?

MC: You gotta remember, too, that certain things add spice to other people’s storylines. I think they used it for a tease a little bit. He didn’t know. He wasn’t aware, that’s absolutely true. That strong reaction, it was just the initial thought. It was a little pulled, stretched. Because he has a great relationship with her brothers, they’re cool. I’ve seen it! I think it was just for some spice. Some of it!

AE: You sign off a lot to be on a reality television show. Do you feel that up to now it’s pretty true to life?

MC: I know ours is, absolutely. TV is TV. The edits the producers are gonna do they do to make it interesting but our stories are real; they’re true. They’re really true and that’s what I love about this show and why I signed on to do it. Because first of all, these are my real home girls, these are my real friends. And we saw the void and we saw there were things that needed to be told and we needed to share our stories and had some really real stories to tell. And we’re very, very protective of them and thankfully had a great production company, Think Factory Media, and a great network that saw the value in it and was willing to honor those stories with integrity. Bottom line. And I think they’ve done a great job so far on the editing and getting the stories out there just the way we put it out there, and they’re delivering it to the masses and I’m proud of it.

AE: I’m so excited to see the next episodes. I’m hooked already! I have so many other questions. I don’t really know how to ask this one.

MC: Just ask girl!

AE: It just really feels – as a white woman, I even feel there’s not a lot of people “out.” And I keep talking about this “out thing” because it just feels like in the R&B and black community, specifically, that for whatever reason it is, and I could be wrong because I’m not in it, but it doesn’t seem that publicly, there are a lot of people who are out and living their lives as you are living your life, and I was wondering if you had any insight into that?

MC: And I’m glad you asked that question, because here it is. Lindsey, and you said as a white – the bottom line is there are differences in our culture and the only way we’re going to help each other is if we talk each other honestly and rawly and openly. Right? So I appreciate your question. From a black woman’s perspective – what it’s about, we have a lot of “isms.” Every culture does; all people do. The ones that are very prevalent in ours, to me, and I’m going to keep this from my perspective, the ones that are very prevalent to me is the religion piece; is what I have coined “The Uncle Chester Syndrome.” And I think all cultures have a little bit of that. We don’t have a monopoly on that. We’re behind the eightball in a lot of areas. We don’t have the luxury of certain freedoms in different genres and areas, I’m sorry, as our white counterparts. The bottom line is that we have to – we’re not really that supportive of things that are different or things we aren’t comfortable talking about, like sexuality. Sexualty itself – so then you add homosexuality or anything different from sexuality itself and that’s like a whole other thing! It’s like you’re ripping a band-aid off, like “What are you doing? No, we’re not talking about that! We don’t talk about that.” We don’t talk about the choir director. We’re not talking about Uncle Chester that we keep locked away in the room and just make sure the kids don’t go up there by themselves. You know what I’m saying? Like that thing.

AE: Right, so – well you’re a woman, number one. So there’s that struggle. You’re black, number two. And now you’re going to add homosexuality on to it?

MC: Yeah and we don’t support each other. So it makes it that much harder. We don’t have the luxury of certain – in a nutshell there are a few of things that the community, that the black community needs to deal with together and openly and honestly before we can clear some of that shit out. So people can live their lives open and honestly and unconflicted and without shame and thinking someone will be berating them and beating them down with a bible. And that’s across the board. But for me, we’ve been through a lot and we have a lot of self-loathing things going on and do have a lot of things we need to get through. You add this kind of stuff to it and it really is hard.

AE: Do you consider yourself an activist? Do you want to take this on?

MC: Yeah, I think so. I don’t think I have a choice. And I think anybody who is put on this earth and the person who gets the most attention at the point doing it, it comes with a couple – yes, I absolutely do plan on being a voice to things to a lot of issues. I plan on lending my voice to things like the alarming rate of HIV in our children and teens. This is crazy. It’s gotta stop. Getting art back into the schools. I have plans on lending my celebrity, my voice, whatever I can do to keep shedding light on things that are near and dear to my heart. I lost my brother to the disease. I have to to do something. It’s crazy. We have to stop. We have to stop acting as if.

AE: I agree. I think you are a great voice and have a lot to share. Do you believe that same-sex couples should be able to be married?

MC: Hell yes! I absolutely believe that same-sex couples should be afforded the same rights under the law as everybody else. Why not? We pay taxes! Are you kidding me? Marriage, yes!

We’ll be talking more with Monifah during the run of R&B Divas and she’s open to all of your questions. Got something you want to ask her? Leave a comment! R&B Divas airs Mondays on TVOne.

Lesbian Apparel and Accessories Gay All Day sweatshirt -- AE exclusive

Related Articles

Leave a Reply

Back to top button