I want to start off by saying that I am so excited and happy to have been invited to write this column with AfterEllen.com! I had a bunch of emails come through and I decided that the best way to start this off would be to take the first four emails I received and answer those first as my way of saying thank you for being brave enough to write these questions down and send them out into the world. On that note, I did receive, lets just say, quite a few emails. So going forward, I will go through and pick the best stories that touch on topics that a lot of you are writing in about so that when I answer, it answers a lot of people’s questions. Two birds, one stone, here we go.
The Straight-ish Slippery Slope
Hi Alyssa!
So I have this friend. We are close BFFs. I met her through another friend about two and a half years ago. We have been through a lot together. She’s in a rocky marriage and has three kids whom I adore. I’ve stayed at her house several times, practically lived there. She would always insist I sleep in her bed with her because there was no other comfortable spot.
She has been with girls before in her past. I never have. I have developed feelings for her over the past year or so and I don’t know what to do about it. Her husband is in a rehab program and she’s lonely a lot so I would go keep her company when I could but I don’t get a vibe that she feels the same way about me. Whenever we drink together she flirts and jokes with me but that’s about it. I always wonder if maybe she has feelings too but is like me and afraid to say or do anything about them because it could mess up our awesome friendship.
I really don’t want to lose the friendship or create awkwardness plus I am confused that I have feelings like this for a member of the same sex. I’ve never felt this way about another woman. I really feel I love her. So much it hurts. There are times I just want to tell her but I’m so afraid. I’ve tried to just ignore it, find interest in someone else. Even tried the whole out of sight, out of mind thing for a while by not seeing her so much sometimes, doing that now, and that sucks!
I’m just so confused and it’s messing with my mind and my ability to focus at work and sleep! What should I do? I’m so glad you’re doing this! Couldn’t think of anyone better to get advice from than you! Love you on the show and all your input for poor Whitney. Thanks in advance for your time and help! – Ashley
Ashley, There are so many things I have to say about your email. First, I feel for you, I truly do. I know what its like to have your heart smolder for someone, but for your brain to pump the brakes. I think that in this case, your brain has been doing you a great service.
You mentioned a few things that raised red flags for anyone looking to potentially pour their heart out into the spotlight. You said, your friend is married, has three children and has a husband in rehab. Wow, this is intense. I think first you have to understand your feelings. What I mean by this is that some people have what I call wounded bird syndrome. You see someone in a difficult situation, maybe even one that you think you have clarity on, and you want to help them, like a little wounded bird.
For a lot of women, myself included, this is a completely natural almost second nature response especially when dealing with people you feel close to. It’s not unheard of to confuse those feelings with love. Now I’m not saying that you are not attracted to or don’t have real feelings for her, I’m just saying try to think about what your feelings mean before jumping off the ledge. Regardless of this, my very first impulse is to shake my no-no finger at you and say, “Married – sorry, keep it moving.” I’m not trying to be mean, its just that I respect marriage and what that commitment means. Although you have been there for your friend during some of her difficult times, there are two people, married, who have made three babies together that need to work things out, whether that’s to stay together or to break up. Unless you have had a serious (sober) discussion with your friend and she has told you that she is 100% certain that she is splitting up with her husband or that maybe she is only staying with him because he is in rehab and she wants to genuinely help him get sober without distractions, then my first bit of advice would be just that – no-no finger.
The truth is, no one wants to be a home wrecker, especially not when there are children involved or what sounds like a very vulnerable current spouse, even if there are drunken flirty moments. Everyone flirts, and a lot of people going through relationship troubles flirt as a way of feeling something carefree or to help them forget their issues and feel desired. Don’t read into that, as women we are generally addicted to and fueled by flirtatious interactions, but it could mean nothing more.
My second bit of advice here is honesty. Honesty is the best policy. Always. I would wait until you feel sure of your own personal feelings and have truly assessed the situation with her marriage, then; when the two of you are together (again, sober) have a real conversation, tell her how you feel. I know it sounds scary, but the silver lining here is that you said that she has been with women before. This means if the marriage is over you have a real 50/50 chance and that’s a lot better than confessing your feelings to a potentially 100% straight woman. If you are “besties” and she doesn’t have the same feelings, I doubt that your friendship will come to a screeching halt. If anything she, might be flattered but tell you the truth, that she isn’t into it. Then again there is always that chance that she does… Keep me posted! – Alyssa
Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star
Alyssa, so I’m not a gold star, because of about three minutes of absolute disgust and regret. It happened a year ago and I wish I could take it back so much, I also think about it too much which makes me feel untrue to myself and impure. Being 17, I thought experimentation would be good, I was wrong I also feel like I’d disappoint the community.
Any idea on how to cope? I really look up to you and the rest of the TRLW girls, so any advice would help! It’s seriously eating away at me, every night! -Christine
Dear adorable Christine! I wish I could hug you, pet your hair and tell you that everything is going to be just fine. Oh to be 17 again. If I could give you one bit of advice that I knew would stick, it would be for you to forget the whole “Gold Star” thing. To me, not being a gold star implies that you are in some way tarnished and I think that that insinuation is a hot steaming pile of trash. I think, as young people, it’s easy to try to force oneself into this imaginary box of perfection. To be the perfect student, the perfect athlete, wear the perfect clothes, have the perfect friends, makeup, shoes, car, hair, phone blah, blah, blah. Being young (and gay) is hard enough as it is without the added pressure of labels and sub labels.
Try to look at it this way; you experimented, you slept with a guy, now you know for sure that its 100% not for you. You will never have to question yourself. This doesn’t make you less of a lesbian or less of a person. It makes you human and a teenager. Don’t ever worry about disappointing “the community” especially when it comes to personal issues like this, only worry about disappointing yourself. The community is just that, a community of people that are supposed to be there to make you feel united, safe and understood.
I know that you wish you could take back your “experience” but lets be real: You’re seventeen. There are going to probably be a gazillion other crazy things that happen in the next few years of your life that this will be a teeny tiny blip on the radar soon enough. William Shakespeare said it best: “What’s done is done.” I’ll leave you with that and these final words: Focus on the now and look forward to the future. Xoxo – Alyssa
New Kid On The Block
Hey Alyssa! So excited to hear you are going to be the new advice columnist for AfterEllen! You have truly been the voice of reason on The Real L Word! I am not sure how you keep track of all that drama, but you do it with grace, humility, humor, and some really cute Chihuahuas.
So I have a couple questions that require your lesbian expertise! I have just recently starting coming out to my friends and family and it has felt like such a relief to finally be able to be myself. I feel like I’m definitely ready to start dating girls, but I’m not really sure how to meet people. All my friends are straight so they are really of no use to me in terms of meeting other lesbians, and I would rather not have to resort to using online dating services. (it wouldn’t be the end of the world, but I feel like I should play the field a little before. I just don’t know how!)
I’m 23 and from the Boston area. Any tips for me? Also, I am kind of nervous for when I do meet someone that I have absolutely no experience with girls. I’m afraid this will be a total turnoff to people. It’s like trying to get a job with a blank resume! I got nothing! Are my feelings justified? It just feels so embarrassing! Any comments you may have would be greatly appreciated!
Thanks for listening Alyssa! Even if you don’t respond to me I really look forward to reading your advice column on AfterEllen! Best of luck to you! Callie
Hi Callie! Boston! I grew up in Connecticut, which isn’t all that far from Boston and I know there are tons of places where you can go to meet people! First off, you may not want to try online dating, and that’s OK, but you might want to check out some websites to see where the girl parties and hotspots are. I recommend LesbianNightLife.com (Boston). You can also look on Facebook and see if there are any gay meet-up groups. Joining one doesn’t necessarily mean that you are on the prowl, looking for love, but it could help you to start building a circle of friends that are also gay.
I love my straight friends, but you are right – unless they’re introducing you to their steamy queer sister-in-law or their intriguing single lesbian room mate, they’re not going to be your stairway to heaven, so making some like-minded friends might be your first step. This way you have someone to go out with that won’t get bored an hour into the evening and leave you all alone in the girl bar to fend for yourself.
As for the swag factor, you just have to be a more outgoing version of you. Don’t be shy (unless you find a girl who likes shy girls). If you stand in the corner all night staring, you’ll look like a creep show and you’ll scare people away. Try picking someone in the room that catches your eye and go talk to them. The worse thing that can happen is they pretend to not hear you and walk away, but if that happens who cares, you won’t know them, they’ve never seen you before, you’re brand spanking new to the scene! Keep trying!
About the whole blank resume thing, are you kidding? The lesbian scene works like a conveyor belt. Trust me – you being the new kid on the block will only sweeten the deal. Just make sure you look on point, smell good and have something interesting to talk about. It sounds silly, but it’s true. Best of luck! – Alyssa
Office Crush
First off, I want to say how awesome you are. Second, I’ve got a question. So there’s this girl I work with and I am pretty sure she has been flirting with me for awhile, but of course I have some reservations because I am not about to be that gay girl that makes the work place uncomfortable if I turn out to be wrong about her. We text each other quite a bit when we aren’t at work. At first we used to talk about her ex-boyfriend (she is, as far as I know, straight) and my girlfriend. As time went on, me and my girlfriend split up, we talked more and more and were more and more chatty at work. She gets jealous when I talk to other girls at work and she has even changed her schedule around to match my schedule at work. She’s just started to send me good morning texts. Everyone at work talks about us in a pair like, “Oh you and Katie are so funny together.” Someone even went so far as to say we would make a great couple.
My question is how do I know if she is really into me before I make a move? Are there any clear cut signs as to when a straight girl is really into you or not? —Devin
Hey Devin! First off, thanks for the compliment! The short answer is yes and no. No there is no clear-cut sign unless you are making out and then – well, that girl really isn’t straight, is she? A straight girl is only straight until she makes out, sleeps with or falls in love with a woman. Even if that woman only does any or all of the above with you and then goes back to dating men, she was and is bisexual. A straight woman will never be with a woman, that’s why we call them straight.
I had about 20 emails about hooking up with straight girls, and I felt it necessary to clarify. From everything you have said there seems to be clear signs that she is at the least interested, unless of course you are reading into things. Its not uncommon for a straight girl to want to be the best of friends with a gay girl, especially one who makes them feel special or gives them a ton of attention like it sounds like you might be doing.
You mentioned that you text a lot, which is nice, but have you hung out outside of work? Maybe this girl is interested and you haven’t asked her to hang out so she changed her work schedule around to try to spend more time with you hoping that you would invite her out for drinks one of these days. After all, if she has never been with a woman and you have, she might be waiting for you to invite her into your circle of friends where it might be a more relaxed atmosphere rather than her inviting you out with her and her other straight friends where she might feel more shy and restricted. That would be my first idea: Invite her out with you and some of your friends. Don’t go making any moves just yet, the first night you hang out, feel things out, get to know each other outside of work and see what happens. If you feel like the timing is right, make a joke about how people at work think you make a great pair and see her reaction and remember you have been with girls, you know what to do! It doesn’t have to be weird, people get shot down all the time and they dust their shoulders off and keep it moving. If you see that she isn’t interested, turn things back around into a light-hearted fun time, out with friends. The last thing you want is for your work environment to be all thick and soupy with weirdness, so make sure you know she wants to be more than friends before you go for it. Xo -Alyssa
This was fun, I love to help out, it makes me feel like I am doing something good with the exposure I’ve received from being a part of TRLW. So keep the questions coming, if you or any of your friends have a question that you would like for me to give my advice on, send them to [email protected]! Also, follow me on Twitter @AlyssaMorganLA xo-Alyssa
