Hey, I just met you — and this is crazy…
OK, you know you’ve heard this Carly Rae Jepsen song once or a thousand times. It’s destined to be all over this summer, so you might as well get used to it. But I wouldn’t recommend it’s chorus as an actual pick-up line. In fact, most pick-up lines probably don’t work too well, but they are still fun enough to reflect on later. Here’s what was so bad it stuck with us — and which ones were so cheesy, they might actually have worked.
Bridget McManus: It drives me crazy when women used to approach me and say “My friends think you’re straight so I came over to find out.” Instead of saying “Oh really? No, I’m a lesbian! What’s your name, Sailor?” I’d erupt and insist on meeting and correcting the person who was talking shit about me being straight.
“She’s so not gay. Go ask her!”
Heather Hogan: Sometimes people who know me a little bit think a fun way to flirt with me is to insult Harry Potter or Skins. You know, just old school playground-chasing, hair-pulling shenanigans. Except if you insult Naomily or Hermione Granger, it’s basically like punching God in the face. So I don’t think it’s cute. I think it’s going to make you go to hell. So, no thank you, I wouldn’t care for a drink — and also: Cruccio!
Courtney Gillette: As a super awkward and freshly minted queer teenager I used to approach cute girls and ask, within the first 30 seconds of conversation, “So, um, do you have a girlfriend?” Cringe! I’d like to think my flirtation skills have evolved since then. Now I can hold about an hour of conversation before asking, “So, um, do you have a girlfriend?” Juuuuuuust kidding. Kinda.
“So, you’re single, right?”
Grace Chu: People who write cut and paste generic e-mails on online dating sites are like people who write cut and paste generic cover letters. “It looks like we have a lot in common.” Really? Your profile says that you are vegan. Mine clearly states that I have the appetite of Anthony Bourdain and that food is my religion. Next!
Mia Jones: I have a knack for attracting people who are already in relationships. It doesn’t matter if you are a man, woman or child (apparently I look very young in person) but just last week I had a guy trying to hit on me and when I told him I was strictly non-dickly he said, “Well, my wife is into girls too.” she came over and tried to dance with me and I said no and ordered another drink. The guy looked at me and said, “What, is my wife not pretty to you?” No thanks creepers!
I also had a girl (in front of her girlfriend) say, “If my girlfriend wasn’t here, I’d f–k you.” No, you really wouldn’t!
“Come on, who doesn’t enjoy a threesome?”
Lucy Hallowell: When I was nineteen the first girl I kissed basically said “I’m not gay, this isn’t going to happen again after this weekend, but want to make out with me?” Like a sucker I said sure. But I got the last laugh because even now, 13 years later, I like to bring up to my wife how wrong she was.
Ali Davis: On my 25th birthday, I was in a club in Chicago and a mousy little couple from Indiana talked to me for about 45 seconds and then the guy said. “We’re just getting into threesomes!” I know they were from Indiana because they wanted me to get into their van with them and drive there for the threesome.
I politely declined, so I’ll never know if they really wanted a threesome or if they just wanted to murder me.
I used to tour with The Second City, and one night I was in a bar after a show on a college campus. I was having what I thought was a perfectly normal conversation with one of the students when he suddenly put on his Suave Face, said “So. It must get lonely on the road.” and then took a significant, manly sip of his drink.
In fairness, he was a really good sport about how hard I laughed.
This Huddle topic makes me a little sad because I realized that I’ve never had a woman use a cheesy pickup line on me. Ladies, you have your marching orders.
Erika Star: Well, I hear “Is your friend single?” quite often. Wah wah. As for lines I’ve used, I don’t try and pick up any one. Are you kidding? Too hard, too scary.
Trish Bendix: Usually women are very sweet and just ask to buy me a drink. but when it comes to guys, they are more forward in a weird way. My favorite is “Hey, gimme your number.” No “Hi, my name is” or “Excuse me, Miss” — just a demand that they can put my digits in their cell under something like “Thick girl from NoPo” and call me when — well, who knows when! I’d rather not think about it. At any rate, things only get worse if you say, “Sorry, I’m a lesbian.” Inevitably their retort is “I don’t mind — bring your girlfriend.”
What’s the worst line you’ve ever used? Have you had a terrible one said to you?