What does it say about me that I’m more invested in those candy thieving kids from last week — that we’d never seen before and will probably never see again — than I am in Snow White and Prince Charming? It’s not because I’m a raging homosexual who can’t appreciate love in all its many forms. Hell, I’m more interested in Mary and Matthew’s (from Downton Abbey) happiness than I am in my own. But these two fairy tale clowns: Merlin’s beard! This week’s Once Upon a Time is about how they keep confessing their love to one another in both realities at once, and then are all, “Psyche! I just called to say I DON’T love you! Sucker!” Plus a lot of falling on their own swords in the name of protecting the other one from King George. Also there was a Great White Northern Dove of Symbolic Plot Devices that had one chance at true love. Luckily, Mary Margaret was determined to be the wind beneath its heavy-handed wings.
I hate that I have to be so hard on Ginnifer Goodwin‘s character, since her face is half the reason I started watching this show in the first place. Actually, her face is half the reason I keep watching this show.
Plus this week, we finally got to see Red Riding Hood do a thing that wasn’t wash tables in Storybrooke in booty shorts. She’s much sexier when she’s actually clothed and even when she’s standing still expoisiting about Prince James, she’s enchanting. More! More! More!
And this hat.
FEELINGS, FEELINGS, FEELINGS
I know, I know: I’m heartless. I don’t care about Snow and Charming. I think Mary Margaret is too good for David. That pigeon was no Hedwig. But! I did feel a great sense of appreciation that Snow White met her dwarves when she was on a mission to make her own happiness happen, but got tossed into prison by Alan Dale instead. That’s way better than the traditional fairy tale story with the cleaning and cooking and Damsel in Distressing. When those dwarves invited her home, my heart did a little thump and my eyes got a little misty.
Grumpy > Charming? Yes, I think so.
Question: How many pies does Rumpelstiltskin have his finger in? Answer: ALL THE PIES IN EVERY LAND. This week’s breadcrumb trail, while tedious, finally offered up an answer — or, well, a hint — about why David doesn’t remember Mary Margaret: Snow White traded her hair for a forgetfulness potion so she could NyQuil it up and not remember her dashing suitor. We’ve all been there.
Also laying a breadcrumb trail this week was Motorbike Stranger, who whizzed around town waving a mysterious suitcase in the air shouting, “I’ll bet no one can guess what’s in this mysterious suitcase I’m waving around in the air!” Emma flirted him into a confession. It’s a typewriter. Because he’s a writer. From the ’60s, apparently.
I AM THE SWAN QUEEN
Well, Regina has finally found the correct way to push Emma’s buttons (if you know what I mean and I think you do). Bullying doesn’t work, threatening doesn’t work either. Neither does pleading, blackmailing, poisoning, pushing or pulling. This week Regina pulled out all the stops in order to convince Emma to investigate Motorbike Stranger. She toned down her glare from “pit bull” to “puppy” and said, “You should find out what he’s doing because he’s messing with the one thing we both love … our son.” Come ON.
Plus this little bit of flirting:
Emma: He must be one of the untold millions you cursed.
What did you think of “7:15 a.m.”?