Gay Girl’s Goggles: “Once Upon a Time” SnapCap (1.02)

 
 

When only four percent of scripted TV shows feature LGBT characters, what’s a gay girl to do? Why, strap on your gay goggles and watch TV along with us, of course! Our handy appraisal scale is better than any old letter grade. Other sites A+. We say, “What about our lezzy-lady feelings?”

What a week for fantasy TV! One Upon a Time‘s pilot was the most-viewed new drama of the fall thus far and it snagged a whopping 11.6 million viewers last night. NBC’s Grimm did really well, too. Not as good as Once, but they don’t have Jennifer Morrison running around in a tank top for 40 minutes every episode, so, you know: ratings handicap.

“The Thing You Love Most” wasn’t quite as good at the pilot episode, mostly because we spent a lot of time rehashing the pilot episode — Regina/The Evil Queen hates Emma Swan/Snow White; Henry hates Regina/The Evil Queen; Rumpelstiltskin/Mr. Gold hates everyone; don’t take apples from bitches — but that’s the way of the broadcast network drama, and the premise and cast are enough to keep me around through all manner of glacial pacing and silliness.

AFTERELLEN BAIT

No, seriously — JMO wore that white tank top for the whole. entire. episode.

Plus, how great was Kristin Bauer as Maleficent? It takes some serious skills to out-camp a Disney villain, but Merlin’s beard if Bauer didn’t do it. Her face when the Evil Queen tries to kill her pet unicorn! I hope she’ll be back for more hijinks. She’s a perfect guest star for this show.

FEELINGS, FEELINGS, FEELINGS

Poor Jared Gilmore. First Betty Draper for a mom and now the Evil Queen for a mom. (Though, to be fair, I’d rather be raised by Lord Voldemort than Betty Draper.) Little Henry felt everyone’s feelings this week. The town clock finally starts ticking (optimism!); he has his first breakfast ever with his actual mom (joy!); Regina has Emma arrested (confirmation that she is evil!); he overhears Emma say that he’s nutso-bananas (bereft!); Emma lies and says she doesn’t think he’s nusto-bananas (relief!). The one thing that really worries me about this show is that the emotional crux falls to a child actor. On one hand, it takes a seriously skilled editor to make that shiz believable. On the other hand, Mad Men recast Bobby, like, 16 times and no one ever even noticed.

My favorite feeling this week was the feeling of lust/vindication I felt when Emma showed up in Regina’s apple orchard (not a euphemism) with a chainsaw, talking about, “Your move, bitch.”

Hang on. I think I was meant to feel something when the Evil Queen literally ripped out her father’s heart. But you know what? I didn’t. I was way more concerned about Maleficent’s CGI unicorn.

BREADCRUMB TRAIL

It looks like we’re going to get lots of our story in typical Lost-writer fashion: with a trail of character-specific breadcrumbs each week. This week it was the Evil Queen who got the flashback treatment. We watched as she navigated The Most Evil Curse that she cast in between the time of Snow White’s wedding and the birth of Emma Swan. Why’d it take her so long? Well, for one thing she had to steal back the curse from Maleficent. And for another thing, she had to gather together her Most Evil friends to procure locks of their Most Evil hair. And then she had to meet with Rumpelstiltskin. And kill a bunch of things to figure out if she loved any of them.

Regina/The Evil Queen is the flattest character to me so far and her flashbacks didn’t help. Did she really love her dad? Who’s to say? We only knew him for a nanosecond. I mean, she named her adopted son after him, so I guess that’s something. But, like, what’s her deal? Snow White took something from her? That’s it? And in the real world I can’t tell if she loves anything either. Right now, the Disney version of her is more complicated than the live-action version of her. Which is dumb. But I believe these writers can (and will!) do better.

BABBITY RABBITY AND HER CACKLING STUMP

Best line of the night:

Sheriff: Actually, I’m here about Dr. Archibald Hopper. He said you got into a bit of a row with him earlier?
Emma: No.

Sheriff
: I was surprised, too, given your shy, delicate sensibilities.

Just an excuse to post another photo of JMO? I REGRET NOTHING.

How are you liking Once Upon a Time?

 
 

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