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Gay Girl’s Goggles: “Dancing with the Stars” SnapCap (13.7)

When only four percent of scripted TV shows feature LGBT characters, what’s a gay girl to do? Why, strap on your gay goggles and watch TV along with us, of course! Our handy appraisal scale is better than any old letter grade. Other sites A+. We say, “What about our lezzy-lady feelings?”

(Looking for play-by-play commentary on the dances? Check yesterday’s video highlights. We have work to do here.)

It was the big Halloween show this week!

The spooky-themed dances weren’t even close to being the scariest parts of this week’s show. Strap in.

AFTERELLEN BAIT

Actually, this week’s degree of AfterEllen bait depended on your capacity for self-deception. If you squinted very hard and thought of only good things, this week’s results show featured two performances by an up-and-coming young butch lesbian singer. Sure, she was a little mannered and poppy, but what potential! And what a step forward for the music industry!

But no, it was just Justin Beiber. (Sorry, I meant “International Phenomenon Justin Beiber,” which was apparently his full title that the announcers were required to use every single time. Way to get aced on the negotiations, DWTS.) Anyway, he sang two songs or maybe the same one twice, and Boys II Men joined in with the second time, because the producers know that the tweens watch Beiber, but it’s their moms who actually buy the advertised products.

So, yeah, no mainstream pop music breakthroughs, just the usual. Hey, music industry managers and executives! You know what lesbian singers don’t have? Costly and embarrassing paternity suits. Just saying.

Back in reality, Hope Solo came roaring into top form this week, and she has also evidently settled whatever her weeks-long Hatfield/McCoy feud was with the costume designers. She looked stunning and danced really well, clearly having fun with the whole thing.

No, of course she and Maks weren’t given high scores that reflected their performance. I said we were back in reality.

Some viewers may also have had mild heart events when J. R. Martinez and Karina Smirnoff first came out, because GOOD HEAVENS, WHAT IS SHE WEARI — Oh, it’s a body stocking.

FEELINGS, FEELINGS, FEELINGS!

The DWTS Spotlight Dance is completely unfair tugging at the heartstrings, made all the more egregious by the fact that it totally works. This week, Victoria Rose Viren only battled past a brain tumor and had to re-learn to walk and then re-learn to individual steps piece by piece to get back to that whole lifelong dream thing, and then completely nailed her dance on national television. And what did you do this week?

There was also more Hope and Maksim drama, or at least an attempt at stirring some up. On Monday, Solo tweeted indignantly about a “sources say” story in a tabloid claiming that she hated Maks. Be careful, trashola magazine that I will not link to. I have said it before, and I’ll say it again: If you mess with one of them, the other one will cut you.

… On the other hand, we also saw footage of Solo rehearsing with another dancer while Maks recovered from a foot injury, and she noted that she learned the routine especially quickly. Which could have been due to the new partner, true, or it could have been due to the fact that she essentially had a partner and a coach that week. The producers were also careful to include footage of Maks storming out during rehearsals for group number, leaving Hope to practice with Derek for a bit.

So whether or not Maks is actually an undermining jerkface and whatever his relationship with Hope is actually like, the producers sure do want to make sure the viewing audience is able to draw the worst possible conclusion. Ms. Solo, I believe I have a wild guess to make about that tabloid’s sources.

I guess the DWTS producers are dropping the patently ridiculous “Hope isn’t sexy” storyline for the easier to swallow — but equally sexist — “Hope is a victim” storyline. Awesome.

And, as I mentioned, all those feelings were wrapped up in a terrific dance by Hope and Maksim that was shamelessly underscored. Just in case you were worried that they wouldn’t get spiked this week.

ATHLETIC SPECTACLE

Most of the athletic spectacle was concentrated in the dances for Team Tango and Team Paso. Both were a little odd, but definitely fun to watch.

If you’re looking for the heart and inspiration of an athlete, Ricki Lake powered through a painful rib injury to come out on top of both the team and individual dances. She should have been resting up for at least a week, but instead she relied on sturdy corsets and sheer moxie to make it through a deep dip and lots of getting whipped around. Ricki, you’re awesome, but you’re still not even close to being an underdog. Do a week with a bear trap on one foot and we’ll talk.

FIGHTING MONSTERS

This show’s attitudes toward women sure don’t get less creepy, do they? At least Nancy Grace got to be the Devil, who is known as something of an independent go-getter. But if you really wanted Bruno the Judge Who Needs You To Know He Has Had Sex to love, love, love your routine, you needed to show a woman getting chased, frightened or bitten. Ideally, all three. Can we put some sort of a Kickstarter together to get him some therapy?

In other DWTS female role models news, Carrie Anne the Useless Judge came “dressed up” for Halloween, only of course she didn’t really, because that might mean committing to not looking girly and cute for two seconds and heaven knows that can’t be allowed to happen. I’m beginning to think Carrie Anne was raised by a family of pageant contestants who married into a family of toy marketers.

Len, the Mandatory Cranky British Judge essentially said screw Halloween, and just wore a normal suit because he is a Brit and a grownup and that is totally allowed. And even Bruno had sort of an elegant solution: not dressing up, but giving a nod to the theme by wearing all black with what looked like a silver skull pin on his lapel. Nicely done.

But Carrie Anne the Rigid Gender Roles Cyborg needs you to think she’s fun, so she dressed up, but she can’t let go of being girly, so she couldn’t really dress up, so she threw on some ears and went as a Cute Girl at Halloween. Eugh. I know I’m mostly preaching to the choir here, but ladies, if you’re too inhibited to do anything but half-ass it on Halloween, just stay in for the night. Go as a princess if you must, but go hard.

A bigger monster, of course, was Rob Kardashian, who somehow continues to feed off of the swirl of lies around him and grow more powerful. And yet he refuses to throw any of those skill points into dancing. Or into not being an emotionally stunted jerk: His “fun” rehearsal footage was all about how his partner Cheryl is genuinely frightened by Halloween stuff, so Rob ran in wearing a scary mask and threw fake spiders at her. Isn’t he a delight?

Oh, and someone gave him this “spontaneous” thing to “think of” and say in a totally real and believable way: “It’s going to scare the living tens out of the judges!”

OK, yes, that is stupid and crude and the metaphor doesn’t work in like three different ways, so it’s believable that Rob might actually have thought of such a thing. But we all know it was someone else’s canned line because he said it so woodenly that one of the ants that is currently laying siege to my bathroom ran in and tried to burrow into my television screen.

The only thing more wooden than Rob Kardashian trying to be natural is Rob Kardashian dancing. He still stomps around like he’s been reanimated and then occasionally stops and does a dance move with not even the slightest glimmer of improvement over the past few weeks. Yes, he has started wrenching Cheryl around so roughly that I fear for her spine in the name of being “commanding,” but it’s hardly an improvement unless the judges are now awarding points for sheer brutality.

But still, the judges pretend. It’s like they’re convinced that if they keep shouting that Kardashian is terrific, fluid, and charismatic loud enough and long enough, the rest of us will believe it. I don’t understand why they want us to believe that Rob Kardashian is a better dancer than Hope Solo, but the Faustian bargain has been struck and there’s nothing we can do about it. Soon we’ll be reduced to whispering coded truths in secret underground lairs.

You want proof that the reign of lies and madness is already starting?

Kicked off this Week: David Arquette

ARRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!

I knew it. I knew we shouldn’t have let ourselves care about David and Kym and their loopy, fun dances. This show does everything it can to destroy what is magical.

Rob Kardashian and Nancy Grace – both of them – are still on the air and coming back next week to ram themselves into our eyeballs until we agree that they are delightful and should totally host a variety show together and get married and divorced for publicity and profit as much as they want. Why not? In at least one case, it’s the family business.

Congratulations, DWTS producers. This show is the scariest damned thing I have ever seen in my life.

It is proof that there is no justice or good or any point in striving in this world.

But at least there is still a glimmer of Hope.

Pick up the pieces and go forth and dance.

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