Fictional fashion: Rating our favorite characters on a scale of 1 to 5 Santana Lopezes

 
 

One of the greatest moments in the history of Lima Heights was the day Santana Lopez stopped wearing her Cheerios uniform full-time. It gave us a window into Santana’s soul — which, apparently, is knit together with every kind of fur and animal print imaginable. (Also: Sarcasm.)

It’s no secret that costume designers aren’t always confident about how to dress their lesbian characters. I mean, you can only take the cliche train so far. So I thought we’d take a little stroll through some of the wardrobes of our favorite lesbian characters and see how they stack up against our favorite Glee gal.

Bette Porter, The L Word

Bette Porter’s power suits have become the thing of legend in the lesbian community. She strutted around in those things like the Queen of WeHo/our hearts. But there was a time, riiiight around season four, when her wardrobe was overrun by a band of rogue pirates. Aye, me harties, there were leather ruffles and satin ruffles and silk ruffles and lace ruffles, but nary an eye patch or gun holster in sight. And that’s Santana’s problem with Bette’s closet: If you’re going to wear a costume, wear a costume. When Santana was doing that whole emotional soldier thing, she wore a full-on army surplus jacket — which she rightly fashioned into a dress. Also, color-coordinating with your girlfriend? No, ma’am.

Bette Porter’s closet receives 2 Santana Lopezes.

Naomi Campbell, Skins

While watching Skins series three, every lesbian wondered two things about Naomi: 1) Why won’t she just admit that she’s madly in love with Emily? And 2) What on earth is she wearing? But now we see that Naomi’s grandmother’s couch floral print jacket was simply a statement in fashion forwardness. Flowers are Santana’s second-favorite print of choice. Of course, Santana would never approve of Naomi’s giant demin IDEAS bag. But she would approve of how quickly Naomi got Emily out of her Lopez-approved leopard-print shirt.

Naomi Campbell’s closet receives 4.5 Santana Lopezes.

Jenny Hartmann, Hand aufs Herz

Right away, Santana would take points away from Jenny for wearing a giraffe sweater last seen on Rachel Berry, but when Santana noticed that Jenny was wearing matching giraffe leggings, she would certainly add those points back and then some. Because like Jenny, if Santana is going to do a thing, she’s going to do the damn thing. Jenny would also get Santana’s grace for being a lesbian thespian.

Jenny Hartmann’s closet receives 4 Santana Lopezes.

Pam Swynford De Beaufort, True Blood

Santana would be wild about Pam’s banging body, and her propensity to show off every single curve with every single outfit. But when you take a Bedazzler to your leather corset, there’s a slight chance you’ve gone too far. Also, her off-duty matching sweater/skirt sets would surely induce some patented Santana word vomit.

Pam De Beaufort’s closet receives 3 Santana Lopezes.

Emily Fields, Pretty Little Liars

Unlike her BFFs, with their flapper outfits and eagle feather earrings and general Aria Montgomery-ness, Emily is a jeans and t-shirt kind of gal, which works out pretty well since she’s running for her life in every single episode. She’s also a fan of hoodies, messenger bags and Converse. According to my own personal closet, it’s the best way the to dress! According to Santana Lopez, though, it’s a little too casual and a little too plain. Sure, Emily gets dolled up on occasion, but that usually ends with her bleeding from the head from a vampire-walloping or covered in mud from some grave-digging. I think Emily and Santana would make a great couple, but there’s no way they’d share clothes.

Emily Fields’ closet receives 2.5 Santana Lopezes.

How many Santana Lopezes does YOUR closet receive?

 
 

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