Extreme Makeover: the Strawberry Shortcake edition

 
 

Yesterday American Greetings unveiled the all new Strawberry Shortcake — I mean, they unveiled Strawberry Shortcake’s new “fruit-forward” makeover. She got some fuchsia hair extensions, popped in some green contacts, lost a lot of weight, dabbed on a little lip gloss, and got an entirely new face. She also traded in her love of gum drops for actual fruit, and her beloved cat Custard for a cell phone.

Why the hipper, sexier version of Strawberry Shortcake? Apparently the ’80s icon wasn’t connecting to the modern girl. The New York Times said Strawberry Shortcake was too ditzy (OK), too candy-obsessed (OK), too fond of wearing bloomers.

Too fond of bloomers? Now, hold it right there, New York Times!) Do not insult the bloomer in front of me! If it weren’t for Amelia Bloomer stumping for women to ditch the petticoats and corsets, we might all still be fainting on the way to to the mailbox! After a trip to Turkey where she saw that women were dressed reasonably and comfortably for the weather and exercise, she came home and wrote in The Lily: “The costume of women should be suited to her wants and necessities. It should conduce at once to her health, comfort, and usefulness; and, while it should not fail also to conduce to her personal adornment, it should make that end of secondary importance.” And once she was free to move about without fear of strangulation by her garments, she went around the country blazing the way for women’s suffrage! Too fond of bloomers? Psh.

This isn’t the first makeover American Greetings has given Strawberry Shortcake (though it is the first time she’s ditched her friends and her pet for an iPhone.) In 2002, American Greetings gave Strawberry Shortcake a pair of jeans, a t-shirt and — I’m pretty sure — some Birkenstocks. (She kept the short hair.) But the little lesbian doll didn’t appeal to young girls. Thus, yesterday’s makeover reveal.

What do you think of the femmed-up Strawberry Shortcake? And what do you think of this: the Care Bears are getting a makeover, too — less belly, longer eyelashes. I miss the ’80s.

 
 

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