Handy dykes — Embarking on the journey that is home ownership, Sam goes to work on her garbage disposal repair, the first in what will become an endless list of house projects. She also becomes familiar with a different kind of lesbian hot spot: the contractor’s supply store.
A store employee follows Sam out to the parking lot to give her the receipt she left at the counter and scares her silly with talk of circuit breakers, amperage draw and overload.
Sam: Now I have to worry about wiring? Can you tell me again how this is all pretty simple stuff?
Maytag Man: I’m sure you won’t have a problem, it’s just …
Sam: What then? Am I going to have to replace the wiring and then the plumbing and then what? Is the roof going to cave in?
Maytag Man: It’s just a garbage disposal.
Sam: [yelling] This is insane! Insane. What was I thinking? Like I’m Donald Trump? Like I can just buy a condo and then fix and flip. I should have my head examined.
Not for nothing, but that’s what Elizabeth’s been saying all along.
Late for a very important date — Jen comes running into the television network offices and announces herself to the eye candy sitting daintily at the front desk. Candy wordlessly looks at her watch with disdain and points to a door.
I love being dismissed on sight by the receptionist, don’t you? Although in my case, I would very likely show up late for a meeting and be wearing a Beever Café T-shirt, so that judgmental look is not always without cause.
Cut to Jen coming back out, defeated. Apparently, there’s no room on the broadcast schedule for an in-depth sexumentary, not when there are so many alien-looking bisexuals, vapid, conceited model wannabes and girls in prison that need to get on the air. Although I’m completely OK with the shows about girls in prison.
Adding insult to injury, Jen finds a traffic cop writing her a parking ticket outside. Jen looks up at the sky and asks, "What did I do to deserve a day like this?" If only a bird had pooped in her eye at that moment, it would have put a bow on her day.
The traffic cop instantly transforms into an angel with wings and a billowy white robe. She tells Jen the power that be is too busy to make her little life hell on earth. And, perhaps, Jen ought to get those chakras tuned up.
Old Jen would have forced herself to smile and say, "Thank you, sir, may I please have another," but New Jen doesn’t bend over that far. Someone is to blame. Additionally, she’s getting a cold and that’s someone’s fault, too.
Cop: Look on the bright side. Maybe everything will get better from here.
Jen: Certainly can’t get any worse.
Things get worse — Jen comes home to find someone has broken into her home and left a Sienna in her living room. Not the Sienna that comes with built-in DVD and 14 cup holders. If only this one were as much fun to drive.
This Sienna is the ex who cheated on Jen with their couples’ therapist, left her for same, and had brass ones so big she could barely fit them under her wedding dress, which she wore at the subsequent wedding she invited Jen to, fully expecting a hug and a gift. That Sienna.
Jen: Sienna, what are you doing in my apartment?
Sienna: You keep a spare key under your plant for when you lock yourself out.
Jen: That explains how you got in my apartment. But I believe my question was what the hell are you doing in my apartment?
Sienna: You saw us the other night. It was really bad. I had nowhere else to go.
Jen: [sternly] I’m sorry that you two are having problems, but it is not OK for you to walk into my home unannounced.
Old Sienna, meet the New Jen.