“Exes & Ohs” Recaps: Episode 1.4 “Love, Money and a Six Olive Martini”


What a girl wants, what a girl needs — The next day, the girls meet for their morning coffees at the Beever Café. Kris and Sam are outside, talking about real estate; Sam wants to buy some property but might not be able to swing it on her own.

When Jen and Chris emerge from the café carrying caffeinated goodness for all, they’re fondly remembering Lauren’s face with a business card thrown in it. Chris chortles, Miss Six Olives wasn’t so hot after that, huh?

Kris: Well, how hot can she be if she has to pay for sex?
Chris: Oh, she’s not paying for sex — more like…
Chris and Jen: [in unison] … bartering. [laughs]
Chris: Still. It’s better than not getting any, right? [laughs]
Kris: [suddenly not laughing] What is that supposed to mean?

Yikes. Sam and Jen make eye contact and walk away from the ChKrisses to give them a little sidewalk privacy. Don’t go too far, ladies. Couples fighting in public is what I like to call theater-in-the-round.

Even though they haven’t consummated their relationship in 15 days, Kris insists it’s not her fault alone. With the stress of the online business and trying to start a family, it leaves little time or energy for pudding wrestling. If she thinks life is stressful now, wait until it’s all about juice stains on the car upholstery and poopy pants.

Jen looks into the camera and explains the "Bed Death Rule," which states if you’re cuddling your cat more than your partner, it’s time to trade one pussy in for the other. Jen said "pussy." Hee.

Just then, Jen’s cell phone starts chirping. Literally, it’s chirping; her ring tone is a bird call. Boy, when Jen works on a documentary, she really immerses herself in the subject matter. I can’t wait to hear her ring tone when she starts working on her sex movie.

It’s Lauren, calling to clarify their misunderstanding. She was not offering money for sex. She was considering offering money for sex footage. She invites Jen to dinner to further discuss unique investment opportunities, because there’s nothing more intoxicating than a feisty, indignant rejection from a cute girl. It just makes us want you more.

Sam gets a call of her own; it’s her father. She tells him she’ll be there shortly and hangs up. Kris asks, "I thought you were going to buy a place yourself?" Sam says yes, but she still wants to show her dad the biggest expense of her life. As she gets in her awesome Karmann Ghia, Sam calls out, "Good luck on your date," to Jen. Jen says it’s not a date and by the way, tell your folks hello.

Inside the Beever, Crutch is sitting in her studio apartment, otherwise known as the storage room, composing heartfelt odes to Emmy. Come to my storeroom … crawl inside, sit on the big box of spoons. Come to my storeroom, I’ll have a home soon …

There’s a knock on the door. Emmy comes in and tries to explain how the service industry works: It doesn’t include guitars and hiding in the back room. But Crutch doesn’t want the gang to know she was evicted, so she’s lying low when they come around.

Emmy: They love you like a sister.
Crutch: Like a kid sister.
Emmy: Well, ya do live in a storage room.
Crutch: I’m a musician. This is called "suffering for my art."
Emmy: What if the music career doesn’t happen?
Crutch: It will. I’m going to post my songs online.
Emmy: You will be everyone’s kid sister until you choose not to be.

Crutch looks crushed.

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