“Exes & Ohs” Recaps: Episode 1.3 “Cutthroat”

Your little secret — The Beever Girls are back at the bowling alley, having inexplicably made it to the Finals. Chris and her eye of the tiger just threw a strike, rising up to the challenge of their rivals, a scrappy group of young guns in black called the Womyn Warriors.

Jen and Sam managed to put aside their issues long enough to bowl and cheer their fellow Beevers. No sense letting a hurtful blowout brought on by festering and painful memories ruin league night. Beevers. Bringing friends together since forever.

Back at the café, Emmy asks Crutch why the storage room is locked. Crutch claims she’s protecting the coffee beans from, ya know, roaming bands of caffeine fiends. The Big Beever tells her that she needs cups or something, but Crutch turns around, slaps Emmy’s hand with the dirty dishrag and says she’ll take care of everything, including closing the place.

Emmy suspects Crutch’s new roommates love her music as much as her old ones did and Crutch just doesn’t want to go home, but whatever. Emmy leaves Crutch to lock up.

Alone in the café, Crutch goes back to the storage room and unlocks the door. All her stuff is crammed in there, and her mattress lies on the floor. Crutch has moved into the Beever Café, bringing new meaning to "wake up and smell the coffee."

Back at the bowling alley, Jen and Sam are still not talking to each other, except to argue over who’s up next. Chris pulls them into a headlock and tells them to focus, because she doesn’t want to lose to the Warriors for the third year in a row. Marla Hooch does not like to lose!

Jen throws yet another gutter ball because fighting with Sam is ruining her concentration. As she goes back to her seat, she glimpses Charlie making out with two new girls. Sam sees it, too. Sam and Jen share a look. I think we know who the real slut is in this passion play.

I’m still trying to figure out why Crutch is not on the Beever bowling team, even though she’s the only one who actually works there. Instead, she sits in her new digs next to the plastic spoons, writing another sad song. Just then, the door opens and in walks Emmy. Busted. She probably figured out any time Crutch volunteers to work, something must be up. Crutch looks up, mortified.

Crutch: OK. I tried to find an apartment but everything was so expensive or otherwise the people were weird and I don’t understand how you can even …
Emmy: You said you had a place.
Crutch: I lied.

Lying. The cornerstone of any good relationship.

Emmy moves a box of holiday lights so she can sit down. She looks at Crutch, her face softening just a bit, and asks why she couldn’t stay with the ChKrisses or Jen. Crutch claims she’s not a little kid; she’s adult and responsible. Evidenced by the fact she’s hiding out in a coffee house’s store room.

The Big Beever gives Crutch two weeks to work something else out on the condition that she opens and closes the café every day — and do something with those holiday lights. Before she leaves, Emmy asks Crutch what was that hauntingly lyrical song she just heard. Crutch plays with her hair and says meekly, "Nothing." Emmy smiles and says good night. The Big Beaver’s dam just formed a crack.

The aftertaste — At ChKrisses’ house, Chris sets a plate of home-baked cookies on the table and expects Jen and Sam to do an honest taste test. Sam spits hers into her napkin. Jen asks if they’re for dogs. What gave it away? The little dog bone shapes?

As long as they’re being honest, Jen tells Sam that seeing Charlie sucking face with those other girls seemed kind of hot, ya know, from a safe, germ-free distance. And here Sam thought Jen was thinking, "Ew."

Somewhere along the way, Jen’s decided it’s time for a change; a new, tougher Jen can and will have meaningless sex. Atta girl!

Sam: You don’t have to be me, Jennifer.
Jen: No, but tougher would be good. Your heart doesn’t break after one date.
Sam: Nope. My heart’s only broken once …
Jen: [surprised] Well, thank God we’re done with that.
Sam: Yep. [laughs]
Jen: We’re much better off as friends.

Thank God that’s over. And they only waited eight years to talk it out. That’s only two in lesbian years. Not bad.

After they leave, Kris, wearing a very becoming mud mask, is freaking out that if the cookies don’t sell, they won’t be able to afford children.

Chris: Hey. On the whole parent road, there will be a billion things we won’t know and we’ll have to stumble through, and we will stub our toes.
Kris: You’re the only person in the whole world I’d want to stub my toes with.
Chris: You pretty.
Kris: Stop it.

Foreplay at the ChKrisses’ house.

The next pre-dawn morning, Emmy arrives at the café and sees the lights are up. Crutch stayed up all night decorating.

Someone’s been helping themselves to the espresso.

Next week on Exes & Ohs: Jen falls for a woman who can help her with her sex movie, er, documentary. Sam’s dad declares he isn’t big on the whole gay thing. Crutch wants to invite Emmy over for a cup of coffee.

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