“Exes & Ohs” Recaps: Episode 1.3 “Cutthroat”


Where’s the love? — Crutch’s adventures in apartment hunting aren’t going very well. Two angry-looking lesbians turn out to be Republicans. They slam the door in her face. Crutch looks surprised as she yells "Deviants!" at the door.

Next, two men open their door and close it before Crutch can even open her mouth. At her last stop, the door closes in her face once more, just as she offers weakly, "I can make French toast."

Meanwhile, Jen’s at home culling the most thorough and comprehensive resource for data on Britney Spears: YouTube. She’s interrupted by a knock on her door. It’s Sam, who doesn’t wait to be invited in and just pushes past Jen into the apartment.

Sam: You’re pissed that Charlie went for me instead of you. OK. I get it. Look, I warned you that your heart was still fragile.
Jen: This is not about me.
Sam: Well, you’re the one who wanted to make it a competition.
Jen: Yeah, but then you, with your tied-up shirt and your showing yourself off. You kept going even after she insulted me. Do you have to conquer every girl no matter what?

What happened to the Friends Come First Rule? Here’s a rule: All other rules are superseded by the Lesbians Must Process at All Costs Rule. Actually that’s not a rule at all. It’s a law.

Sam: Are you calling me a slut?
Jen: Am I saying slut?
Sam: No. Worse. You’re thinking it.
Jen: I was not thinking you were a slut. You were thinking that I was thinking that you were a slut.

Oh God, no. You better check yourself before you wreck yourself.

Sam: What would make me not a slut, Jen? Not having sex for 13 months?
Jen: Just because I haven’t slept with anyone since Sienna …
Sam: And just because I slept with two whole people last week.

Two whole people, as opposed to half people. Or maybe it was half people, but there were four of them? I dunno. Please don’t fight.

Yessiree. And things go even further downhill from there. Sam thinks this isn’t just about Pool Table Charlie. It’s about their own college breakup eight years ago, with a dash of Sienna added in for color.

When it’s all said and done, Sam thinks Jen is a self-pacifying conflict-avoider. And Jen sees Sam as commitment-challenged and selfish. They actually sound perfect for each other on paper. But in reality, not so much. The volume is rising.

Sam: I wasn’t ready to marry you!
Jen: I wasn’t asking! But if where we were headed felt like too much [air quotes with her fingers] commitment for you, you should have said something.
Sam: [quietly] I tried.
Jen: Yeah, by shoving your tongue down Casey Black’s throat.

Sam pauses with her hand on the doorknob, takes a deep breath, opens the door and leaves. So, lunch tomorrow is off?

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