“Exes & Ohs” Recaps: Episode 1.3 “Cutthroat”

A few of our favorite things — While Kris and Chris mull over making a baby, Jen and Sam are making sexy time with Charlie. Jen brags about her college sociology courses while Sam twinkles her eyes and poses. If only we could put them together into one brainiac sex kitten who quotes Spinoza while wearing Victoria’s Secret. I like to dream big.

Charlie wonders if sociology can be an aphrodisiac. "The study of people. You studying me?" she asks. Jen says coyly, now that you mention it, she happens to be a documentary filmmaker.

Sam jumps in and clarifies that Jen’s film is called Bird Watchers. In its defense, Bird Watchers did very well, thank you very much. Jen doesn’t mention it features the Great Blue Heron mating ritual, because that would just be bragging.

Jen: Now I’m doing a new one: Women, Sex and Power.
Sam: They’re three of my favorite things.
Jen: Three of my favorite things too.

Me too.

Charlie: [laughs] I get it, I get it. You guys are a great team, very hot.

Charlie runs a finger up the inside of Sam’s arm and asks them when their bowling thing ends. Have they even started? All Jen and Sam have been doing is drinking beer, playing pool and flirting with chicks. This bowling alley is no bowling alley. It’s a bar.

Sam says they’ll be done around 10 or 10:30. Charlie puts an arm around Jen and says coolly, "Great. What say we all get off at 11?" Synchronize watches, ladies.

Jen smells what Charlie’s cooking but doesn’t care for anything that spicy.

Charlie: [to Jen] What’s the problem, Princess?

Well, for starters, don’t call her "Princess."

Jen: OK. First of all, Sam is like my sister. And second, I enjoy my women one at a time. And third [looks at Sam], let’s go.

Sam starts to walk off with Jen, but stops and gives the I-have-the-self-control-of-an-8-year-old-boy shrug and returns to Charlie. I used to like Sam.

Looking into the camera, Jen explains the simple "Friends Come First" Rule. Girlfriends (and one-night stands) come and go, but friends are forever. Sam sometimes forgets to play by the rules.

After their game with the Diesel Femmes, Kris and Chris are brainstorming how they can make enough money to afford football camp, insurance, tuition and an iPhone for baby ChKris. Chris picks up a pastry (where did that come from?) and takes a bite. Bowling alleys not being known for their baked goods, she quickly spits it out and says she wouldn’t feed that to a dog. Kris has an epiphany: They’ll open a doggie bakery. Ingenious in that way only lesbians can be.

Music intervention — Crutch is still writing songs about Emmy, rhyming her name with any words ending in "ee." Crutch’s three roommates barge in and start complaining about the noise. They may not understand tortured artists, but they do understand torture. The cute blond one suggests Crutch not worry about her past-due rent. In fact, don’t worry about any rent — you’re outta here. Good night, Cleveland!

Will you still love me in the morning? — The ChKrisses walk into the Beev to find Sam and Jen sitting at different ends of the restaurant, both reading and working on their own things. Kris asks Chris what’s up with them? Good question. Since when does Sam read? I thought she preferred the hands-on approach.

Behind the counter, Crutch tells her boss and crush, the Big Beever, Emmy, she’s homeless now.

Emmy: How does one actually get evicted?
Crutch: My roommates were music haters, but no worries. Less bills for me. I’ll just probably crash with the ChKrisses, or maybe Jen, but she’s a little anal, so …
Emmy: What are you, their pet?
Crutch: No. They’re like family.
Emmy: Don’t you ever wonder why nobody takes you seriously?
Crutch: What’s that supposed to mean?

But Emmy doesn’t have time to review all the ways she thinks Crutch is so aptly named. She has work to do.

On the wall by the bathroom, Crutch notices a Roommate Wanted flyer, and the rent’s a steal at $400. Crutch tears off the phone number. She’s willing to try something new and growny-up to win over the Big Beever, even if it means applying the Fake It — It’s Impressive Rule.

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