“Exes & Ohs” Recaps: Episode 1.3 “Cutthroat”

Voices carry — Crutch is in her bedroom composing a little love song about her boss on her Amy Ray guitar.

Crutch: Emmy, Emmy, Emmy, won’t you lemme, lemme, lemme take you on a really cool date …

The guitar’s Indigo Girls mojo just isn’t coming through like Crutch had hoped. The only muses speaking to Crutch are her annoyed roommates, who yell from the other room to please shut the hell up and, by the way, cough up the rent.

The birds and the bees — Back at the bowling alley, Kris spies two lesbian mommies-to-be a few lanes away and suggests to Chris they go ask them how babies are made. Chris doesn’t want to ask perfect strangers about their personal journey toward parenthood, but Kris wants the real scoop, not just a physician’s clinical list of options. Chris is probably going to cave because basting tips might save them some time and money.

Over by the pool table, Jen’s prey has just racked a new game. Jen casually slides on up and puts her quarters on the table, but nobody pays her any mind. Hoo, boy. There’s stealth and there’s invisible, and guess which one Jen is. She picks up the quarters and tries again, this time "accidentally" rubbing up against her prey’s back with her arm. Nice save — and hey, way to cop a feel.

The woman turns around, introduces herself as Charlie and shakes Jen’s hand. Jen makes a cute attempt at being suave.

Jen: I don’t want to intimidate you, Charlie, but I’m quite the billiards aficionado.
Charlie: So am I. Should be fun.

Just then, Sam rolls up on the scene, her bowling shirt gathered and tied in front, exposing her belly. And that there’s called stealth.

Sam: Room for one more?
Jen: I love a good competition. Can we play with three?

That’s ordinarily a great question, but not this time. This isn’t going to be the kind of threesome that ends with a group hug and a round of thank you’s.

Charlie: Sure. Cutthroat.
Jen: Ah … Cutthroat.

That’s the "Fake It — It’s Impressive" Rule. Jen explains the way to impress a woman is to pretend you know what the hell she’s talking about at all times. She demonstrates, "Base jumping? Great! Podcasting? All the time." Vlogging? Doesn’t everyone?

Faking it until she’s making it, Jen asks where’s the "white ball." Sam pulls it seductively from the pocket and informs Jen it’s called a cue ball.

Jen’s break is wimpy. When it’s Sam’s turn, she leans over the table in front of Charlie, making damn sure she sees the color of her money. After she sinks her shot, Sam whispers to Charlie, "You should see what else I can do on a pool table." Ooh, let’s see. Uh, I mean, no, boo, Sam.

Why is Sam playing dirty pool? Isn’t she supposed to be helping Jen, not stealing women from her? Jen sends a shot across Sam’s bow by playing the brainiac card — pool is all about geometry, right? "You remember geometry, Sam? Took it twice, didn’t you?" she asks Sam innocently. Hey, you use what you got.

Meanwhile, Kris and Chris are talking baby talk with the pregnant lesbians on Lane 10. At least I hope one of them is pregnant and not just using an interesting, hands-free bowling ball carrier.

The women tell the ChKrisses that making a baby is fraught with decisions: insemination options, whose egg to use, adoption or — gasp! — the old-fashioned way. Chris smiles politely, but all she’s envisioning are dollar bills blowing away, never to be seen again.

Unfair. If everyone had to go through the same amount of time, energy and expense to have a baby, we wouldn’t have any overpopulation issues. I blame the long lines at the DMV on straight people.

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