“Exes & Ohs” Recaps: Episode 1.2 “Roads Previously Not Taken”


Get off yer butt and adopt a mutt — Sam and Jen drop in on Pet Adoption Day. Jen tells Sam about her date the night before and says she’s worried she’s not ready to be a mother. Sam reminds Jumpy McGun it was one frigging date.

As they talk, a woman whom Jen recognizes slides by. "Elizabeth?" Jen calls out. A woman with shampoo commercial hair spins around. Jen and Elizabeth strike up a little chitchat. "How’s the rowing?" Jennifer asks.

The woman replies: "It’s great for the upper body. You should try it." Ugh. Doesn’t rowing involve getting up before sunrise? I’ll stick to my 12-ounce curls, thanks.

Sam’s eyes take a stroll along the flanks of the river Elizabeth. Sam likey. I love what a dawg she is. On that note, Sam tells Jennifer she has a real estate seminar to attend to and splits.

Sam’s timing could not be more perfect, because just then, Crutch launches into a craptastic rendition of "Closer to Fine." Sort of. Not really. OK, it’s not at all "Closer to Fine."

Crutch: [singing, if you can call it that] I’m trying to tell you something about my mom. She won’t love me when I’m on Oprah jumping on the couch like Tom. But you’ll love me when I’m famous, love me when I’m famous … Mom.

Chris tries her best to look like her ears are not bleeding. Kris, in another matching sweater, smiles blithely. Oh Amy Ray, thou hath forsaken us.

After Crutch’s Kill-ith Fair Concert, Kris interviews possible guardians for their furry-souled stray, but no one lives up to her rigorous vetting process, not even a responsible lawyer who really wants to be a doggie-mom. Chris reminds her they’re going to end up with more strays then they started with if she doesn’t get real, but Kris is the lesbian Doctor Dolittle.

Learning the biz from, er, the inside out — Meanwhile, Sam’s "seminar" turns out to be a little afternoon delight with the dark-haired investor with the preapproved loan. Sam did a little preapproving of her own and is now doing a very thorough inspection of the property, especially the plumbing.

The woman wants to get inspected again and asks to see Sam tomorrow. Two days in a row is one day too many for Sam, who doesn’t answer but instead stares at the ceiling. Sam’s interest in houses does not extend to playing house.

Flipper: Thursday? [silence] Sam? Thursday?
Sam: Um, that depends. I still don’t have all your inside secrets to making a fortune in real estate.
Flipper: I’m guessing Thursday.
Sam: Yeah. Thursday’s good.

That’s called leveraging your assets.

Decisions — At the end of Pet Adoption Day, Chris and Kris are back home. Chris jokes that if Kris had her way, every homeless animal in the world would end up at their house.

Kris: We have more than enough love to go around. We’re great parents.
Chris: Yeah. We are great parents.
We’d also be great parents.
Chris: Do you think it’s time we became people parents?
Kris: I do.

Is it really that short a hop from dog ownership to parenthood? I hope Kris realizes you cannot name a baby Mr. Lickums.

Elsewhere, Jen and Kate are in the park with their chai lattes and their issues. Jen tells her what a great time she’s having and all, but her idea of a good day may not include a trip to Chuck E. Cheese. Not at this point in her life, anyway.

Jen tries to explain her hesitation, but Kate can name that tune in two notes or less. She lets Jen off the hook and tells her good luck with her sex movie and see ya ’round.

Next week on Exes & Ohs: Jennifer and Sam compete for the same woman. Kris and Chris wonder if they can afford a baby. Crutch starts living in the Beever. Now there’s a real estate decision I can get with.

For more on Exes & Ohs, watch Michelle Paradise’s second video blog.

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