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“Exes & Ohs” Recaps: Episode 1.1 “There Must Be Rules”

Welcome to the first recap of Exes & Ohs, Logo’s new dramedy for, by and about lesbians. Is “lesbramedy” a word?

Based on the short film The Ten Rules: A Lesbian Survival Guide from Michelle Paradise (who also happens to be this series’ executive producer, writer and star), Exes & Ohs taps into an obvious yet often overlooked aspect of lesbian life: Most of our drama is frigging funny.

I like the title they’ve chosen for the show. We each have our share of exes and ohs. And for some of us, the number of exes we accumulate is a corollary to our affinity for the ohs. And you know who you are.

Besides, The Ten Rules: A Lesbian Survival Guide sounds like a self-help camping manual.

Set in Seattle (Seattle is the new Boston for television locales), the show has been described as Sex and the City meets Ally McBeal. Meh. It’s The L Word meets whimsical, wry writers and characters who are happily cancer-free. Oh, and there are no songs by Betty.

Let’s meet the girls: Jennifer (Michelle Paradise) – Smart, earnest and newly single, Jennifer is a filmmaker who makes documentaries about birds. She’s cute, genuine and employed – it’s unimaginable she’d be single for long in real life, but whatever. Jennifer has an active imagination and likes to address the camera. Oh, and she hasn’t had sex in a really long time. Sam (Marnie Alton) – Sam knows how to use her looks, her flirty charm and her unobtainable air to reel in the babes. Studying to become a real estate flipper, she knows a thing or two about the quick in and out. But she’s also a loyal friend and a good foil for her more pensive best friend, Jennifer.

Kris with a K (Angela Featherstone) — Raised in Vermont by maple syrup-smoking hippies, Kris is perpetually happy, expansively giving and, OK, a little ditzy. Kris fulfills her passion for animals by running an online pup supply business and taking in strays. The only thing Kris loves more than animals is her partner, Chris. Chris with a C (Megan Cavanagh) — Chris is a former corporate exec who left it all behind to sell doggie accessories with her girlfriend, Kris. With a mind for business and a heart full of love and patience, Chris is perfect for Kris. Saying your own name in bed must feel kind of weird, though. Crutch (Heather Matarazzo) — If being tone deaf hasn’t stopped baby dyke Crutch from pursuing her dreams of rock and roll stardom, than writing awful songs about pet adoption isn’t going to, either. When she’s not working her shift as a coffee barista, the grrl rocker is searching for her place in the world and a reason to grow up. So far, no luck.

A good reason to avoid the gym — We open with a scene in a women’s locker room at the gym. There are half-naked women everywhere. I like this show already. Jennifer and her BFF Sam are talking about Sam’s most recent conquest: a woman who’s pierced down there. Jennifer doesn’t want to hear the gory details. I do, but nobody asked me.

Jennifer describes Pierced Girl as a date, but Sam corrects her — it was just sex.

Jen: C’mon. What if she turned out to be someone you could actually like? Sam: Baby, save it for someone who isn’t always at the start of a relationship. Jen: Sienna and I turned out great. Sam: Jennifer, you’re both in therapy. Jen: Exactly. We saw a problem; we’re dealing with it. And we’re better than ever. Emily’s totally saved us.
As they talk, Sam strips down and wraps herself in a towel. There’s no full frontal, though. That would be that other show about a group of lesbian friends. This first episode only offers a partial back-al. Sam’s perfectly happy with her hookups. She doesn’t have a taste for the flavor of commitment like Jen does. All Sam asks is that Jen not do that thing lesbians are famous for: sharing feelings until there’s no more oxygen in the room. Jen laughs because she’s light-headed.

As they make their way to the sauna, they pass a cute blond woman by the showers. Sam gives her a blatant head-to-toe once-over. Blondie smiles. Where is this gym and how do I join? Jennifer wants to know if Sam is “doing” her too. She informs Jennifer that Blondie and her girlfriend broke up for the fifth time and therefore is fair game. Sam explains her Breakup Rule: After four breakups or six months apart, the relationship is dead. My Breakdown Rule: after four breakdowns or six months in the shop, your car is dead. (My longest relationship was with my car.)

Jen and Sam continue their conversation in the steam room. Sitting on the wet tile, Jennifer says she’s doesn’t need any silly rules; she has Sienna. I consider that foreshadowing, because any girl named after a pigment is bound to be trouble. Just then, they hear the sounds of soft giggling and lip smacking somewhere else in the mist-filled room. Sam smiles slyly — that’s hawt. Jen rolls her eyes, but after a minute, she can’t help but look.

Through the steam, Jen can see two women, sort of. A dark-haired woman is nibbling beads of condensation off the nape of the neck of a redhead. They caress each other playfully. The redhead tilts her chin back, her face a mask of pleasure. Why do I suddenly feel like a lesbian Danielle Steel?

After few seconds, Jennifer’s eyes widen. Her jaw drops. She says to the redhead, “Sienna?” Again, where is this gym and how do I join?

Sienna: Jennifer? Jennifer: I thought you were supposed to be at therapy with … [the dark-haired nibbler turns around] … Dr. Emily?
Yipe. As if being naked in a room with other people didn’t make Jen feel vulnerable enough.

One year later — Jennifer and Sam, along with Crutch, Chris with a “C” and her partner, Kris with a “K,” are hanging out in a coffee shop called the Beever Cafe. Really? Not Cooter’s Coffee? Or the Muff-In? How about just Vagina’s?

The girls are doing what everyone does at a coffee house: They’re playing poker. Sam has this week’s girl toy hanging all over her: a hottie leather-clad Corky-type with a long, luxurious mane named Becca, played by Cathy DeBuono. And who wouldn’t want to play poker with Cathy DeBuono? Jen’s head isn’t in the game because after a year of gay bliss, Sienna and Dr. Emily have announced they’re getting married. And because they’re lesbians, Jen is invited. Actually, everyone is invited.

Chris and Kris are lovingly arguing over whether a puppy is an appropriate wedding gift. Kris votes yes, Chris votes no. What do you give the ex of your good friend and the woman she cheated with? Are we really that incestuous, or is inviting your ex and her friends to your wedding just a ploy for more gifts? Sometimes I really wonder about us.

At this point I think I should mention Sam looks like a young Joan Osborne, Jen sounds a little like Ellen DeGeneres, and Chris is a dead ringer for Marla Hooch. Oh wait. That is Marla Hooch. What a hitter. Sam says a puppy is no kind of wedding gift. She thinks a wedding gift should be sexy. Hmm, yes. Hence all the couples registered at Babeland and Madam Eva’s Fetish Chest.

With a revolving door on her bedroom, Sam tends to think with something other than her head. She leans in and gives ‘Becca another tonsillectomy. Jen wisely suggests the ChKrisses give the couple something that won’t outlive the marriage itself. Crutch chimes in helpfully, “Something between a goldfish and parrot.”

Becca offers that the marriage might last because Sienna seems to really be in love “this time.” Jen looks ill. Nice going, newbie. You can be replaced, ya know. Crutch asks Jen what she’s bringing to the party. Jen states emphatically that she is not attending the unholy union of her ex and her therapist.

Jen addresses the camera for the first time. That’s called “breaking the fourth wall” in theater lingo. Using Sam’s Breakup Rule, Jen tells us since the Sienna breakup was one year ago, she should have been over it six months ago. Unfortunately, the Breakup Rule does not apply here. My “Get Over Her Rule” does. The Get Over Her Rule is a different formula that has many more variables, requires graph paper and involves

?ÅÔé¼.

House cleaning — Jen hasn’t had a date, let alone sex, in a year. Clinging to the past, she keeps Sienna’s stuff in a box marked “Sienna’s Stuff.” In it are meaningful items such as a saucepan from their last meal together and an old Provincetown sweatshirt. Sam decides it’s time for an intervention. “We used to stay up all night and imagine our wedding,” Jen tells Sam bitterly. “That’s my cake! I’m not going to stand there and clap while she feeds my cake to a completely different lesbian.” Cake envy. Not to be confused with house envy (“That woman is showering in my bathroom”), vacation envy (“She promised to take me to Hawaii”) and friend envy (“I knew her first, beeyotch”).

Sam’s motto: Forget her, it’s over. Get laid, have fun. Sam says she wouldn’t have cared if Jen slept with half of Seattle after they broke up. After they broke up? They’re exes? Of course. Silly me. Where else do best friends come from?

Sam knows Jennifer needs to get back in the game. And what better place to trawl for new meat than at a wedding on a yacht? Jen doesn’t want to go, let alone go dateless, so Sam suggests they go together, because she’s not bringing Becca. (Sam and Becca are in “taking it slow” mode.) Jen balks. Unless she’s making a documentary about the ethics of therapists dating their patients, I’m not sure why it’s so important she watch Sienna and Dr. Emily exchange vows. Sam aims lower and suggests that Jen just give her a ride instead. That seems to do the trick because Jennifer agrees.

Wedding Balls — Jennifer is wearing jeans and Sienna’s P-town sweatshirt when she pulls up to the wedding yacht. She opens her car trunk and starts loading Sam up with the gifts she bought. For someone not going to the party, she sure spent a lot of dough. Nothing says “I’m over you” like overcompensation!

Crutch runs up to Jennifer and sticks a video camera in her face. Anything you want to say to the happy couple? Gah, I hate that part of attending a wedding almost as much as having to dress up. Jen looks like a deer in the headlights and pushes Crutch away.

Jennifer follows Sam onto the yacht with more presents and puts them on the gift table. As she’s leaving, Sienna sees her.

Sienna: Thank you so much. I knew you’d come. Jen: I … uh … actually, I can’t stay. I just came to drop off some gifts. [pulls at her ratty sweatshirt] That’s why I’m dressed like this.
A deckhand mistakes Jen for a crew person and passes her a tie line. She absentmindedly starts coiling it.
Jen: Don’t get me wrong, though. It’s not like I don’t want to be here … I’m really happy for you … You two have a great wedding.
Having said her piece, Jen turns to make her awkward exit. She looks down. Water. The ship is pulling away from the dock. “I’m so delighted you can stay,” Sienna says sarcastically. Jump, Jen, jump!

The ceremony is about to begin. Jen finds a seat next to Sam. Becca is sitting there too. So much for “taking it slow.” Sam looks at the P-town sweatshirt and congratulates Jennifer on her choice of outfits. She whispers, “I’m glad we never got married.” Which brings us to the Ex-girlfriend Rule. Jennifer looks in the camera and explains this rule states that exes never go away. They become your best friends so they can torture you for the rest of your natural life. Yup, you are stuck with them forever, long after the feel-good part is over. Like herpes.

Because weddings are boring as hell, Jen lapses into a daydream. She sees herself standing in front of the alter. She’s still wearing her P-town sweatshirt, but she’s also wearing a wedding veil. She looks around. “Um, shouldn’t I be here with someone?” she asks the minister.

The minister reminds Jen she can’t be with someone until she’s moved on from someone. Oh yeah? Then how do you explain celebrity marriages? The minister dispenses some good advice: Lose the sweatshirt, indulge yourself and get a tongue bath, and good God, woman, whatever you do, don’t become a crazy cat lady.

Jen snaps out of her fantasy just in time to see Sienna and Dr. Emily, who are wearing predictably matching, cream-colored butch/femme Ann Taylor outfits, end their nups with a kiss. Jen needs a drink.

At the reception, the music’s pounding, the champagne’s flowing and Jen’s over by the gift table trying to take back her presents. The newlyweds catch her in the act, so she hides the gift bag behind her back and makes nervous pleasantries. The unit that is ChKris stop by with their gift: a white cockatiel in a cage. Sienna is underwhelmed because she’s too young to remember Baretta.

Chris: [handing the bird cage over] … To represent the love of your marriage. Kris: It’ll last longer than a fish. Chris: Yeah, and who needs the pressure of a parrot, right? [laughs heartily] Kris: You don’t already have one, do you?
Dr. Emily is speechless. The ChKrisses take that as a “yes” and scurry away, muttering words of reproach to each other. I don’t normally get sucked into the sap-happy shtick of some couples, but these two are kinda cute. I must be getting soft.

Sienna wants to know what’s in the bag Jen’s hiding behind her voluminous sweatshirt. She pries it from her hands, opens the bag and pulls out the Last Supper Saucepan. “Is this mine?” Sienna asks suspiciously.

Jen cracks back, “Yeah. You really need to get over me,” and walks away as fast as she can.

Guileless feet have got no rhythm — Sam is dirty dancing with Becca when a cute young thang from Sam’s (recent) past steps up to them. Why hello there. Becca steps in and claims her woman, even though Sam doesn’t look like she wants to be claimed. The other woman picks up what Becca’s throwing down and leaves in search of other prey. The dance floor is crowded with lesbians. Jen gets jostled and bumps into some of that fresh meat Sam’s been trying to sell her on. This one is a hottie in a styling cocktail dress with some serious cleavage. I’m tempted to call her Choice Top Round, but her name is actually Heather. Jennifer and CTR are eyeing each other when Crutch swoops in and pulls Jen away. The minister stands nearby, helping herself to the open bar.

Jen demands to know why Crutch is messing up her mojo. Crutch says she’s looking out for Jen because she needs Jen to look out for her. Jen is momentarily flattered until Crutch adds, “Besides, she’s way out of your league.”

Minister: She’s a pediatric surgeon who helps underprivileged children with rare diseases. Crutch: And she’s a little melodramatic.
At least I think she said “melodramatic.” Awesome as she is, Heather Matarazzo has marbles in her mouth most of the time. Articulating is such a strain, she squints every time she opens her mouth. Besides, since this is a lesbian show, “she’s a little melodramatic” is the most likely line, so I’m going with that.
Jen: It’s OK … she’s not really my type. Minister: [eyeing Heather too] Please. She’s everybody’s type.
No kidding.

Crutch wants Jen to start small. She points to the undulating mass on the dance floor. This particular dance floor has a stripper pole because no yacht is complete without a stripper pole. A tall blonde in a loud print dress spies Jen, Crutch and the minister watching her, so she puts a short stripper show on for them. It’s more of a rookie fireman’s slide than a stripper’s sexy slither, though, and Jennifer watches apprehensively. The dancing firefighter comes over, takes Jen’s hand, and pulls her onto the dance floor.

Correction — It’s not the dance floor she pulls Jen toward. It’s a darkened storage room. Away from the crowd, Jen and the dancing firefighter are going at it without so much as a howdy-do. The P-town sweatshirt finally comes off. There are eager hands everywhere and lots of kissing, but all too quickly, Jen loses her momentum. Dancing firefighter senses the drop in temperature and backs away. Jennifer’s mortified. She apologizes. Jen’s more of a flowers-and-candles girl than a what’s-yer-name-again? girl. Can’t we do both?

Oh well. It’s still nice to try new things.

Back at the party, normally hap-hap-happy Kris is angry. Chris is talking and laughing with a woman they were both dirty dancing with mere moments ago. Kris watches and snorts on jealous disgust.

Which brings us to the Lesbian Etiquette Rule. This rule states you can press, bump, grind and hump anyone you like on the dance floor. But off the dance floor, if you so much as ask that same woman which way is the bathroom, that’s just wrong. Being a gay woman is very complicated and not for the weak.

Just then, the cockatiel gets loose. Feathers are flying. It briefly lands on Jen’s head. It flaps out of the room and into the night. Kris and Chris chase after it. Hilarity ensues. Farewell, Provincetown The next day at the Beever Café (“Y” eat anywhere else?), Kris and Chris are organizing Missing Cockatiel flyers. They’re wearing matching sweaters, natch, the oldest visual gag in the lesbian humor repertoire. And yet, it still works. Kris is still peeved about Chris’ flirtations last night. Chris apologizes over and over until Kris gives in, smiles and buries her head in Chris’ neck. Yeah, after that ninth mango daiquiri, it was just the mangos talking.

The others force Jen to watch the wedding video that Crutch shot. Delightful. Hasn’t she suffered enough? Jen asks, “What’s the point of great sex without some kind of emotional connection?” Because some things are their own reward? Oh, Jennifer. You have much to learn.

Jen wants more from life than a series of meaningless orgasms. Isn’t “meaningless orgasm” an oxymoron? Crutch doesn’t get this kind of crazy talk either. Becca, still hanging in there, sits all up in Sam’s business, enjoying a piece of Sam’s earlobe.

Suddenly the cockatiel appears out of nowhere, landing on a hand rail. Kris and Chris think it’s a sign and chase after it. The others follow.

Alone at last, Jen gazes thoughtfully into the café’s fireplace. She takes her Provincetown sweatshirt out of a bag, gives it one last, long look and throws it into the fire. It’s a gas fireplace. Next week on Exes & Ohs: Jen finally starts dating. Kris and Chris make a big decision. Crutch trades some magic beans for a guitar that will make her sound like Amy Ray.

Watch Michelle Paradise’s weekly video blog for behind-the-scenes anecdotes and answers to your questions about Exes & Ohs.

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