“Exes & Ohs” recap 208: “Sleepless in Seattle” Season Finale

When they both arrive at the house, Chris can tell there’s something off between the two besties, who are standing side-by-side like nervous boys at a sixth grade dance. She tells them to get over it or go home; her kid is not going to be born into a “sea of weird vibes.”

After eating her Flaming Vesuvius, Kris calls the midwife to report spicy burritos did nothing to get her hips widening. The midwife tells Kris to try having sex because an orgasm has been known to start contractions. I don’t even want to know how someone figured that out.

But Kris is determined, and Chris is willing, so they task Jen and Sam with assembling baby furniture while they go upstairs to “work.” This is a bad plan, all around. If you put a femme and a nerd in a room with screwdrivers, you’re likely to end up with a lopsided shoe rack. And if you finger bang a lady who’s moments away from birth, the baby will come out wearing your wedding band as a nose ring.

Jen tries to fit the pieces of the furniture together, but she’s as good with hardware as she is with finishing her documentary. Sam reminds her that she was a child Lego’s champion, which qualifies her to be the foreman on this construction project. Jen compliments Sam, but Sam shuts her down, saying, “Relax, Jen. I’m not going to fall apart without your approval.”

Do not poke the bear when she’s holding a sharp instrument.

Better results are happening upstairs, where Chris and Kris have actually kick-started contractions with some good ol’ fashion lady sex. Chris goes into panic mode and runs around the house in her sexy flannel pajamas, screaming, “Where’s the phone?! Phone, phone, phone, phone, phone, phone, phone! Where, where, where, where, where, where, where? Phone, phone? Where, where? Phone?! Where?!”

Oh Megan Cavanagh, how I love you.

After calling the midwife, getting some pillows for Kris, and using a pudding pop or three as a pacifier, Chris has everything under control.

Chris throws Jen and Sam outside, ostensibly to wait for the midwife, but really, to get their Sargasso Sea of weird vibes out of her house. Shivering in the Seattle night air, Jen says it’s funny how things have changed.

Sam: Yeah, I know, right? I used to be the one with all the options. Now, look at you, lady killer. [muttering to herself] Passportā€¦

Jen: Are you going somewhere?

Sam: Nepal, backpacking. I couldn’t sleep earlier, so I found this great deal onlineā€¦

Jen: For how long?

For someone who’s flat broke and in foreclosure, extended travel seems
like an odd financial choice, but Sam’s on the run from her feelings.
Airfare and transfers: $1800. Vaccinations and Sherpa gratuity: $450.
Emotional vacationing: Priceless.

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