“Exes & Ohs” recap 206: “The Happy Homemaker vs. The Cougar”


The next day at the Beever, Sam is avoiding Jen’s calls by giving Kris some good insight: Chris probably wants a small ceremony for just the two of them, and not a catered affair under a gauzy tent. Kris say, “You’re right!” Solving other people’s problems is so much easier than dealing with your own. Which is why your therapist might be more effed up than you. Just saying.

After Sam and Kris take their coffee and leave, Chris comes into the cafĂ©. Thanks to Devin’s eavesdropping and powers of deduction, she learns that her pregnant partner only wants a wedding to affirm their commitment to each other. And hello? Hormones! Whatever Devin makes, it’s not enough.

Chris goes to see Kris at work, where the two decide there’s more than one way to get married, and there’s more than one way to share and give. Kris thinks yes, just like there’s more than one way to load a dishwasher. No, there’s not! Bowls do not go on the top rack! Sheesh. How many times do I have to say it?

Also, thanks to Devin’s big mouth, Jen finds out that Sam is on her way to Elizabeth’s office and rushes off to find her. As Jen confronts Sam on the sidewalk, Elizabeth happens by a window and sees them arguing heatedly. She goes outside and orders them to come upstairs. Little Dr. Bossypants.

Once there, Jen and Sam sit apart and stare at their shoes like two delinquents in the principal’s office. With Elizabeth’s eyes boring holes into Sam’s skull, Sam cracks.

Sam: I kissed her.

Jen: Actually, I kissed her. It wasn’t her fault.

Sam: There was no fault. It just happened.

Jen: It meant nothing.

Sam: It was just one of those things. Hey, you can trust me.

Jen: You can trust her. Even if she wanted me, which she doesn’t, I don’t want her.

Sam: She doesn’t want me!

Elizabeth knows instinctively this is not one of Old Sam’s casual quickies. It’s her best friend. Who’s still in the room. Elizabeth shoots her a “don’t you have somewhere to be?” look. Jen skulks out.

Meanwhile, Kris has blindfolded Chris and driven her into the mountains. “Isn’t it beautiful?” she asks. Chris replies, “How would I know?” Awesome.

Kris lifts the blindfold to reveal one of their old favorite spots. She remembered their special place. Aw. Mother Nature really is the best set designer. Kris drops to one knee as Chris smiles and gasps, “Oh my god.”

As one couple becomes more entwined, another is unraveling. In Elizabeth’s office, Sam tells her that wanting a broken bad girl to fix, needing someone to need her, is not love. Elizabeth stares at her like this is breaking psychology news to her. Where did she go to school anyway?

Sam believes the reason she kissed Jen was because it felt good to really be seen and understood. (Ironically, this seems to be something Elizabeth sucks at, considering her profession.) Jen sees Sam for who she is today: New Sam. And Jen likes New Sam just fine. And so does Sam. Elizabeth lets a tear roll down her face as she realizes Sam is really done.

Sam doesn’t need fixing anymore. What she needs are cooking lessons.

Out on Brokeback Mountain, Chris tells Kris she never imaged that women could marry other women. And then when it became real, she assumed she’d be the one proposing. But she likes this version even better. Someone call Devin. She has a DJ gig in her future.

Sam returns to her old apartment to find Jen sitting on her front steps, drinking beer and waiting for her. From the look on Sam’s face, it’s clear she and Elizabeth are no more. She’s moving back home. Jen hands Sam her beer. They sit in silence, staring at their dork feet.

Next week: Wedding preparations stress out the brides, mostly because Sheila’s back in town. Jen reconnects with an ex at the wedding. Sam goes through the only dry spell she’s ever known, forcing her to make a stunning confession.

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