“Exes & Ohs” recap 205: “Everything Changes”

 
 

Elizabeth pops the question to Sam: Will you U-Haul me? She’s asked her to move in. Sam promptly drops the salad dressing she’s holding and stands with her mouth agape. New, grown-up Sam’s mind races. Old, playa Sam wouldn’t have made it this far to begin with. What to do? Sam tells Elizabeth she needs time to think. Smart girl.

Over at the Beever, Jen runs into Gillian with her new date; bubbly, chatty Mallory. As Mallory brags how high-larious Gillian is, and regales a tres amusing story she told her, Jen quickly realizes it’s the same one she told the other night! Gillian is stealing Jen’s material to impress other women. As a writer, I can tell you that is a hanging offense.

Mallory also says she’s heard all about Jen documentary, and offers to let Jen interview them as a newly, happily dating couple. Jen manages to eek a small, fakey smile as Gillian pretends none of this is happening. Unsolicited interviews are the best! Not.

Later that night, Jen and Sam get together to unload their problems on each other. Jen reports she’s making herself be friends with Gillian because she needs to deal with her reality. Or something. I don’t know why she wants to be friends, frankly.

Sam admits she’s a bit freaked over the idea of cohabitating with Elizabeth. What if it doesn’t work out? What if she regrets it? Jen tells Sam to take a leap of faith. After all, she’s never regretted living with Sam, even when she was moving out. Yah, and because it’s been 10 years or more. So, kids, if you’re bawling uncontrollably as you separate your CD’s from hers, hold onto this: Someday, you’ll look back and only laugh at what a bad cook she was.

In the interest of facing her demons, Jen is interviewing Gillian and her aggressive date, Mallory. Jen notices a trace of paint on Mallory’s hand. Seems body-painting sex is just another one of Gillian’s seduction tricks. For an artist, she sure is lacking originality. Too bad Mallory hasn’t caught on yet.

Mallory yaks at Jen, “It’s chemical, ya know? I mean, I would usually never sleep with someone on the first date.”

Oh dear. Why torture yourself when other can do it for you? Jen’s face curdles. She yells, “Cut!”

That night, Sam tells Elizabeth she’s made a decision. Yes, she will move in with her. Elizabeth couldn’t be happier, mainly because Sam purrs all breathy-like that she brought a housewarming present. 

Where are they registered? I need to get me one two of those.

Due to the lack of lesbian parenting books at their library, Kris has convinced Chris they need a support group to learn from other gay parents. Not there more than five minutes, they learn they’ll have to forego sleep, deal with screaming toddlers, sullen teenagers and go broke for the privilege. It’s a wonder anyone would want a kid at all.

To take their minds off their worries, the mommies-to-be join the others in helping Sam pack up her house. As they box her 253 scented candles, they start a game that you could call, “Whose Childhood Was More Effed Up?”

Jen dares someone to beat her mother dying when she was 10. Devin says she doesn’t even know her real mom because she’s adopted. Kris says her mother grew weed on their maple syrup farm, as if that’s a bad thing. All Sam can say is that she wasn’t always hot.

After winning “Whose Childhood Was More Effed Up?” Jen goes home to screen annoying footage of Mallory. Just then, Gillian shows up at her doorstep, offering a bouquet of apologetic flowers and an explanation. Mallory is not insensitive. Mallory doesn’t know she and Jen dated. And in other news, Gillian reminds Jen she wasn’t the one who wanted to stop dating.

Jen is unmoved. She saw the paint and knows what it means. She didn’t really want to interview them. She’s only trying to do the friend thing because she’s “evolving,” and nice, and… oh screw it.

Jen Butler. Sticking to her guns since… well, never.

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