Over at Barry’s Bar, Elizabeth is pissing all over Sam’s wet t-shirt contest. We usually use water, but thanks. Elizabether is being incredibly judge-y, considering she ogles and paws at Sam whenever she’s wearing her tight Bunz t-shirt. Elizabeth seems to think she’s the only one allowed to enjoy the bennies of nice boobies.
Maybe it’s because she’s so much better than everyone else is.
Sam: I’m not clear. Back when I was working at Bunz, wearing little more than a fake smile, you couldn’t be more supportive. But now you’re upset because I’m managing a wet t-shirt contest?
Elizabeth: [texting] Sorry. I’m on call tonight.
Sam: You charge for your services…
Elizabeth: You can’t possibly compare the two. I help people evolve. You help girls in wet t-shirts jiggle their way down your old road of flirting and temptation, none of which is exactly conducive to a healthy relationship.
If Elizabeth is so smart, why doesn’t she know that wet t-shirt contests are all about evolution. It’s called “Survival of the Tittest.” Look it up.
Kris, Chris and Sheila are sitting in a nice restaurant, when it turns out to be a farewell dinner; Sheila announces she’s going home to help Kris’s dad with their farm in Vermont.
Kris immediately perks up – yay! Mom is getting out of her hair! – while Chris looks like a sad, sad Basset hound.
Sheila says she wants to give the girls more than a winter garden of herbs, root vegetables and cannabis, and spills some turnip seeds on the table.
The girls don’t get it and neither do I.
Sheila explains, “You must not neglect your sexual obligations.”
Chris immediately orders a vodka and cranberry, hold the cranberry.
Tonight is the make or break wet-t-shirt night for Sam. Barry tells her she might have to get up there and be the first contestant because no one’s signed up yet. No one wants to go first.
You know that’s what penguins do, right? They push and jostle until one of them falls off the ice floe. And if that one penguin doesn’t get eaten by a shark, they all jump in. Why does Sam have to be the first penguin?
Sam says she has no intention of taking one for the team, so she grabs Devin and pours a pitcher of water on her. See? It’ll be hot. Don’t worry!
Barry doesn’t see the allure. Because Barry’s gayer than Chris Colfer riding a unicorn with a Colt model through the Castro.
Just then, Jen and Gillian stop in for a drink. While Jen is in the bathroom, Sam makes small talk with Gillian about how exciting it must be getting a key to Jen’s place and getting a divorce, all in the same week. Gillian smiles and says, “Eh, almost a divorce. Just need to sign the papers.”
She hasn’t signed the papers yet? You and I know if someone is done, they can not sign those papers, change those locks, or move out of state fast enough. Gillian’s turning out to be more frog than princess.
Sam knows it, too, and serves Gillian a drink loaded with salt. Never piss off a bartender. Jen knows all of Sam’s tricks, even if Gillian doesn’t. Out of earshot, she confronts her.
Jen: The last time you pulled that was with Sienna.
Sam: And look how well that turned out.
Jen: I thought you liked Gillian.
Sam: That was before I found out she still hadn’t signed her divorce papers.
Jen: She what?
While Kris and Chris bump lady parts because they finally have the house to themselves again, Jen and Gillian are having a hard conversation about divorce. Gillian promises to sign the papers in the morning. Or after lunch. Or on Arbor Day.
Jen comes to the painful realization that Gillian really did only want a Bridge Girl, so she sadly applies (the rarely followed) “When to Say When” rule and breaks up with her.
Jen deserves more. She deserves better. She deserves someone with more melanin.
Over at Barry’s Sam is trying to get girls to sign up for her contest, lest it be a flop and she loses her job. From across the room, Elizabeth spies her talking to a would-be contestant and purses her lips together like the uptight control freak she’s become.
Sam takes Elizabeth outside to explain she wasn’t flirting, but Elizabeth smiles and says she’s not mad. Well, which is it? Elizabeth claims she’s come around to the idea of a wet t-shirt contest, and furthermore, now remembers how hot Sam is. Make up your mind, weirdo.
Just then, Kris and Chris show up, late. And Jen arrives alone. Well, it’s about time! The contest is about to start. They all turn to go inside when the Seattle sky opens up and it starts to pour. The girls shriek and try the back door. Locked. They start to run towards the front door.
Just then, Devin opens the back door, so they turn around again and finally run inside. The contest is getting under way and they’ve all stumbled right into the middle of it.
The crowded bar cheers like crazy, as bulky sweaters overtake the t-shirts. Barry’s eyes light up with lavendar dollar signs.
I vote for the preggers lady, or the Egyptian.
Later, Sam dances with Elizabeth, Kris and Chris wring out their drawers, and Jen sits by herself in the corner, sad and hurt. Oh, Xena. Where are you when we need you?
Next week: Jen struggles with her breakup with Gillian. Sam struggles to meet Elizabeth’s expectations. Chris and Kris realize that parenting classes are not the answer to raising a baby.