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“Exes & Ohs” recap 202: “Two Bridge Girls and a Pair of Bunz”

Previously: Jenn found a Bridge Girl in Gillian, a woman who’s still gay married, but who cares! Sam changed her Facebook status to “in a relationship” with Elizabeth, and to celebrate, admitted she’s broke. Kris went behind Chris’s back, blabbing to her mother, Sheila, “I’m pregnant!” And before you could say, “who’s the daddy?” grandma was at their doorstep.

It’s a pretty night and Jen is having fun watching Gillian snorkel the length of a Jacuzzi. Gillian makes Jen laugh, which is good and bad. It’s good because if a woman can make you laugh, she’s a keeper. It’s bad because if she’s too much fun, you forget to keep things light and casual, like you promised yourself you would.

You also forget you’re wearing pants when you go hot tubbing.

The next day, Jen is interviewing Devin for her documentary, “The Search for Love,” but Devin seems to think she’s auditioning for The Real L Word: Seattle. She tousles her hair, seductively looks into the camera’s lens, and says, “Hi. I’m Devin. Bisexual. Five-six. Nice rack.”

No pushing.

Jen reminds our little coffee vixen that they’re supposed to be talking about online dating. Devin turns off her bedroom eyes and says in a normal voice that online dating is a great way to meet people without having to spend money of drinks. Or gas. Or an entire evening listening a stranger talk about their ex.

Devin offers to hook Jen up with a “chick” she met online. Jen didn’t ask for one of Devin’s cast-offs, but Devin is a giver and sets it up with a quick text. Inside, Sam ordered a non-fat, light foam, extra shot latte, but Devin is too busy extolling Jen’s virtues to every chick in the Women Seeking Women section of craigslist.

While waiting for some decent table service, Sam gets a call-back on one of her 100 job applications. She’s not even sure what the job is, but she’s saddled with a huge mortgage and willing to take anything. Preferably something that doesn’t involve asking, “You want fries with that?”

Kris is there, too, avoiding her mother, Sheila, and Chris because they’re getting along a little too well these days. The mother/daughter-in-law lovefest is making her ill.

Sure enough, when she gets home, Chris and moms are wearing aprons and happily baking cookies together. When they see Kris walk in carrying two large boxes, they insist she put down those darn heavy things, stop working and go relax, lest she dislodge the zygote nestled in her lady pouch.

Put your feet up, take your pants off. We got this.

Kris is tired of being treated with kid oven mitts and stomps back out of the house. Sheila tells Chris, “She gets that stubbornness from her father.” Don’t you hate when your own mother likes your girlfriend better than you?

If she has anything to say about it, Kris is not going stop working until that baby’s head starts crowning. She pays a sales call on Dr. Bob, a vet who buys dog supplies from Chris and Kris, but is also their sperm donor. Instead of asking, “Whatever happened to that gift of life I gave you?” he considers her special sales offer: five dozen biscuits for the price of 60. What a steal.

Not only does Dr. Bob suck at math, he needs an assistant. What a coinky-dink. Instead of calling her broke-ass friend Sam, Kris offers to work for him part-time. Nice.

Sam landed another job, no thanks to Kris, but sadly, it does involve saying, “You want fries with that?” She is the new manager at “Bunz,” a waterfront hot dog stand. Nothing confirms the value of a college degree like wienies and low tide. Well, it could be worse. She could have found a job that involves having to say, “Lap dances are extra.” Or, “I’ll get right on that, Mr. Trump.”

Even with all her bartending experience, Sam doesn’t seem well-equipped to handle a customer when he complains they have a lotta nerve charging $8 for a hot dog. Guess this guy has never been to an airport.

After he leaves in a huff, a fellow-waitress clues Sam in on Customer Service 101 — pretend to listen, pretend to care and agree with whatever they say, otherwise known as “mirroring.” Or as I like to call it, blind dating.

Speaking of dating, here’s a riddle for you. If lesbians bring a U-Haul to their second date, what do they bring to their first? Why, a tool belt, of course.

Jen dons her best flannel and shows up at a Habitat for Humanity-type worksite to meet Devin’s online chick pick: Valencia. Please tell me her last name is Orange. But I digress. Valencia gives Jen the once-over and says, “Devin described you perfectly.” Uh, thanks?

Valencia puts Jen to work by instructing her to pile debris in the corner. Jen being Jen, she would like to know how to pile debris in the corner? By material? By size? Alphabetically? It’s going to be a long day.

After Jen makes it clear she’s a walking OSHA violation, Valencia gives her a job in the office trailer. Jen takes the opportunity to ask Valencia out on a date. She says “yes” because who can resist someone who calls a pallet “a big wooden square thing”? Not Valencia.

Back at Bunz, Sam approaches another table of customers, only to realize it’s her successful, career-having, professional therapist girlfriend, Elizabeth. And Elizabeth is with her equally successful, gainfully employed therapist colleagues.

Awkward.

Later at home, Elizabeth puts her therapist hat on and offers, “I’m guessing it was a little uncomfortable seeing us there – frustrating? And like you’re feeling undervalued. Or valued for the wrong things? Maybe it feels beneath you or something?”

Stop that. You don’t see Sam trying to get a tip after making your dinner, do you?

The next day, Kris and Chris have the girls over for a backyard barbeque. Jen takes on grilling duty, Kris’s mom handles the buns, (Sam’s off the clock) and Devin shows Chris the improvements she’s made to their pet supply website, because not only is she a barista and a yenta, she’s also a web designer. Dear god, is anyone not a web designer these days?

While your neighbor’s barbeque conversation might touch on sports, coupons, the local school budget or how the neighborhood’s gone to hell ever since fill-in-the-blank moved in, a lesbian gathering will likely sound something like this:

Kris: So Jen. If you like Gillian so much, why do you want to go out with Valencia?

Jen: Because I like Gillian so much.

Chris: Makes sense.

Jen: No, look. If I have a few meaningless dates with Valencia, than I won’t screw up things with Gillian by getting too serious, too fast.

Devin: But isn’t it un-lesbian to date two girls at the same time?

Chris: How would you know? You’re only half-lesbian.

Devin: I am one hundred percent dyke when I’m with a chick. The fact that I also like pole is just a bonus.

Sheila: Amen to pole, sister.

Kris: Mother!

See? Fun! Give me a lesbian party, anyday!

The girls warn Jen that trying to date two people at once can only end badly. In her mind, Jen envisions Gillian and Valencia fighting over her. Nooo. Or worse.

Later, Jen goes over to Gillian’s, where they share wine and laugh nostalgically about 20-something girls who think they know everything. While Jen lounges on Gillian’s couch, sensing a growing attraction she didn’t want to feel, Kris is across town, at her job in Dr. Bob’s office. Chris walks in with a delivery and sees her woman in a lab coat, working. Busted.

But it’s Jen who’s in real trouble. She hightails it over to Sam’s bar before she can blurt out anything resembling feelings. Jen tells Sam she’s definitely going out with Valencia now, boy. As they talk, a man at the end of the bar makes a wisecrack about Dinah Shore. “It’s lesbian night,” he says to Sam, “Where are all the lesbians?” Really, dude?

Sam turns to give him an angry lesbian what-for, while Jen tries to hypnotize a bowl of peanuts.

Sam is two seconds from ripping the guy a new a-hole, when she learns that he’s Barry, the new owner of the bar. The bar she’s standing in and probably no longer works for. And as usual with new management, Barry says he has new ideas. Barry announces he’s moving Lesbian Night to Thursday, and giving Fridays to the gay boys. Well, that screws everything up because Grey’s Anatomy is on Thursdays.

Sam doesn’t like change and doesn’t want to ride “the Barry Train,” nor give him a “Whoo Whoo!”

Barry says he knows what he’s doing, because he’s gay, and furthermore, an ex-football player. Yeah? If he were really gay, then he would know you can not make a dime on lesbians. We don’t drink enough and the second we meet someone, we begin decades of nesting in our socks and pajamas. Sam hates sports metaphors and Barry, and storms out in a snit.

At the Beever, Elizabeth tries to see Barry’s side, while simultaneously sympathizing with her girlfriend, but Sam is in no mood to be “mirrored.” Elizabeth informs her that sometimes, it’s just called being nice.

Elsewhere, Jen is trying super hard to kill her feelings for Gillian, so she goes through with her meaningless date with Valencia. We soon learn Jen’s idea of a meaningless date: She’s taken her out for pizza in what looks like Georgia O’Keefe’s apartment.

Jumping back to her other dating sitch, Jen is telling Gillian about her stint as a construction hazard. Gillian thinks it would be a hoot to see the site and insists they pay it a visit. Gulp.

Once they get there, Jen finds out that Gillian and Valencia know each other, and they — wait for it — used to date each other. Yes, it’s Tragic, the Gathering. Everyone has dated everyone else, or knows someone who has. My advice to you? Don’t be a psycho. You will never live it down.

Jen is practically twitching with panic because she doesn’t want Gilliian to know about her date with Valencia. But it’s soon clear no one cares.

Valencia: I went out on a date with her, too!

Jen: I’m only sleeping with Gillian.

Gillian and Valencia: Cool!

Jen: You two aren’t going to make out, are you?

Valencia: We totally have to catch up, Gillian!

Jen: I can’t go out with you [Valencia] again, because I really, really, really want to keep seeing Gillian.

Three “really’s.” Just call her Poker Face.

Chris is tired of Kris’s fantastic new habit of keeping secrets. For starters, she secretly called her mother, and now the pole-loving lunatic is practically living with them. Then, she started a new job but forgot to tell anyone about it. And now, she’s failed to tell her boss that she’s pregnant. With his baby. Finally, Chris steps up and tells Dr. Bob they’re having his baby.

Dat’s right! Heather’s gonna have two mommies and they’re both named Kris/Chris. Dr. Bob could not be happier for his friends.

In other happy endings, Sam goes crawling back to Barry and asks for her bartending job back. He agrees under one condition. She has to get on board the Barry Express with a hearty “Whoo Whoo!”

And back in the Jacuzzi, Gillian admits she doesn’t like the idea of Jen dating any other sweet, juicy things, Valencia, or otherwise.

Have you been following Michelle Paradise as she tweets live during the show? Good stuff!

Next week: Jennifer and Gillian make a sex tape that gets out and goes viral. Sam starts faking it with Elizabeth because she suspects she only loves her for the sex. And Chris’s bond with Sheila makes Kris feel left out.

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