“Exes & Ohs” recap 201: “Fish in a Barrel”

 
 

Later that night, Jen goes looking for a Bridge Girl to jump off of, and tries lesbian speed dating, which, let’s be honest, should really just be called “dating.”

Jen brings Sam along, because why suffer alone? As they assess the night’s offerings, Sam catches a brunette undressing her with her eyes. Jen gets a goofy wave from a woman in a cowgirl shirt, and then spills her fruity girl drink all over a woman’s white shirt. She nervously starts rubbing the woman’s chest with a napkin. In some states, that’s considered a felony.

 

Jen sits down and meets her first speed date. It’s cowgirl shirt, better known as Gillian. Gillian is a post-modern painter and art professor. She likes autumn, France and cowgirl shirts. After getting other game changers and deal breakers out of the way – jobs and hobbies, favorite color (Is this really a thing? What are we? Twelve?), dark or milk chocolate, school and travel – Gillian blurts out, “And, I’m kinda married.”

Hey, you wanted equality.

Gillian tells Jen although she’s still married, ya know, technically, to a woman in Massachusetts, they’re done. It’s over except for the divorce. It’s the best news Jen has gotten all week.

Jen: I’m not here looking for Ms. Right. Or a one-night stand, just to be clear.

Gillian: You’re looking for a Bridge Girl.

Jen: Why does everybody know Bridge Girl but me?

Gillian: Yeah, maybe that’s what I need, too. Someone just to make the transition.

Jen: Ya know, we could go out a few times. Nothing serious.

Gillian: Make out a few times. Nothing serious.

And then, never see each other again. Brilliant.

Meanwhile, Sam can’t be bothered with the “go out a few times” part of dating and soon finds out the brunette feels the same way. Sam discloses that she’s seeing someone. Unfazed, Brunette offers Sam one last fling before settling into her nest and waiting to die.

You don’t have to ask her twice.
But then, something weird happens. Instead of showing Brunette that “front to back” is more than just a hygienic wiping technique, Sam pushes her away and suddenly says she has to go. Could it be that Bridge is not Sam’s game anymore?

Over at Kris and Chris’s house, Kris is sneaking off to call her mother because Chris didn’t want her to tell her family about the baby yet. Oh sure, taking a pregnancy test in a public bathroom in front of your friends and the café manager is fine, but telling your mom she’s about to become a grandmother is a crime against humanity.

Back at speed dating, Jen can’t stop looking at Gillian, but soldiers on, attempting small talk with Candi, the dour woman she spilled a drink on. Candi opens her mouth to speak and out comes a voice befitting a baritone with the Seattle Opera, “I’ve been going through a major transition.”

Jen: Oh! Oh, wow. Congratulations. That’s so amazing. I mean, it must have taken a lot for… I really admire… uh, are you all done now?

Candi: With this date? Yes.

Jen: No, with your transition. Are you all woman now?

Candi: I’m all single now. I was born a woman.

Jen: Oh.

Candi stomps off in a huff with Jen calling after her, “I’m not transphobic! I just thought you used to be a man!… Lots of women used to be men. Hey! Who here used to be a man?”

Anyone? Bueller?

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