Blair was more than excited to land in the Palm Springs desert to quench a thirst for what had become her deserted vagina. Too many months living at home with mom in Lombard had really taken a toll on her sex drive and she was afraid she might become one of those lesbians who is openly going down on a stranger at The Ace Hotel poolside. Depriving a vagina is no joke, after all.
This was Blair’s first time at Dinah Shore, the lesbian Disneyland of the west. Prior to this trip, her only knowledge of Dinah was that episode of The L Word and some interview segments she obsessively watched on YouTube. When she got to her room in The Ace Hotel, she was surprised to learn that her vision of what Dinah would be, based on these shows, had been completely accurate. It was like a lesbian Hunger Games; one lesbian from each district of every small town in America was chosen to come do shots, swim in murky pool water and wear an endless amount of Aviators and visors. Blair could be eaten alive if she wasn’t careful, but then again, that’s exactly what she was hoping for.
“Hi! I’m Blair and I’m the representative from Lombard, IL on account that there are no other lesbians in city limits”, Blair yelled proudly in her head as she marched out of her hotel room in board shorts, a bikini top and flops. Just as she smiled and shut the patio door a tiny bullet of a Pomeranian lunged at her in excitement. Blair, a cat lady since 1998, did what came most naturally in a situation such as this—she screamed bloody murder.
“GET IT OFF! GET IT OFF! HELP ME, MELISSA ETHERIDGE!”
A 30-year-old woman, who looked not a day over 29, ran down the walkway with a leash in one hand and a beer bong in the shape of a flower in the other.
“I’m so sorry! Pam, get down! We talked about this.”
When Blair finally came to after being knocked out from her own fear, she was intrigued by this woman’s warm nature and she was curious about that beer bong and why on earth she would name her dog Pam was beyond Blair.
“It’s okay, really. Not a problem, I love dogs. Is that a dog?”
“Yes, this is Pam, short for Pamoranian, and she is extremely sorry for trying to murder-suicide you.”
“Oh, well then, Pam had big plans, I guess.”
“Yeah, she’s a psycho.”
The woman starts to walk away with her psychotic pet and Blair panics, seeing as this is the first woman she’s met at Dinah that isn’t on cocaine or in cargo shorts—or both.
“WAIT. NO. DON’T GO.”
The woman turns around in slow motion.
“Uh, just didn’t want you to leave…until you told me…what the hell that thing in your hand is.”
“Oh! This? It’s a beer bong in the shape of a flower. It’s my friend’s. I would never.”
Awkward silence, but not really because this hotel couldn’t be pumping these gay hits any louder.
“Uh, I would invite you to go to the pool with me but the sun has already burned off the first layer of sunscreen I put on, so I think I’m going to go to a screening of whatever lesbian movie is showing.”
“Great, I’ll come with. It’s Blue is the Warmest Color, I checked.”
Blair blushes. Or it’s the sunburn, hard to tell.
“Can I bring Pam?”
“Oh, okay. Well, I’ll go drop her off at my ex-girlfriends suite and meet you here.”
Blair nods and walks into her room. She studies her suitcase in the search for the perfect plaid shirt. This was going to be a great first date with a stranger on her first night of Dinah Shore. This was going to be the night Blair had an orgasm that would shake the grounds of Palm Springs and send every lesbian into hysteria. This would be the night she fell in love. Too much? Yes, of course. It always is. This was going to be a great trip.
Check back every week for a new “Lesbian Love Story” and visit mowelch.com for more on the writer/artist.