When I selected “high-maintenance femme” it was because I thought I was a high maintenance femme, and so could just write a shopping guide for myself rather than expend mental capacity on the desires of others. A few minutes ago, I double- checked by texting ‘would you call me a high maintenance femme?’ to a gaggle of lesbian friends and two girls I’m casually seeing. The two girls I’m seeing texted back first—probably because they’re the only ones invested in my self-perception—with “I don’t think so” and “not at all.” I am pissed. I thought I was high-maintenance. If I’m not high-maintenance, does that mean I should or even could ask more? Am I demanding too little? Are my standards low or even average? Newly inflamed with self-interested fervor, I meticulously assembled this list of items any high maintenance femme (including myself) deserves.
1. Anthropologie Tea Set. A decent set of china is a non-negotiable. Plus, teacups are the perfect size for booze! Get her drunk like a lady. ($12-$30)
2. Nars Semi-Matte Lipstick. Lipstick requires regular re-application and no girl wants to pull out a tube of ratchet Wet & Wild in the ladies room. Nars is known for making the some of the best makeup, and I’m a big fan of their lipstick because of it’s rich, matte, clean finish. Other expensive lipsticks (COUGH COUGH YVES ST LAURENT) look beautiful, but come out too thick and get all over your shiz. You won’t have that problem with Nars. Go with a classic red to make any girl happy, or my personal favorite: Funny Face. ($26)
3. Dry Bar Blow Out. Here’s a gift certificate worth receiving: for $40 the brilliant stylists of DryBar (locations nationwide) will give you the best blow out of your life. I actually just received and used one last week, and my experience was perfection. You pick a style from the menu, get comfy, sip on champagne, and 30 minutes later you have red-carpet worthy hair. I went to the West Hollywood location and was incredibly impressed by the level over service. My stylist spent an extra 20 minutes making sure each curl of my mai-tai (beachy waves) was perfectly swirled. Heaven.($40)
4. Jeffrey Campbell Litas. Jeffrey Campbell’s Lita heels are a staple of any cool-girl femme. They’re the perfect balance of “pretty” and “edgy,” and come in an insane variety of colors and patterns. You can get spikes, suede, velvet, or (like me) go for a galactic print. Bonus: chunky heels = relative comfort. Any HMF worth her salt should be comfortable dancing in Litas for at least four hours, depending on enthusiasm and alcohol consumption. ($160)
5. Designer purse. A cute little designer purse is mandatory for any high-maintenance femme, and the designers I’ve listed make adorable day to night bags at reasonable price points. I have one of each, NBD. Notice that I have not listed Coach, a “designer” purse procurer who regurgitates bags at a similar price point. Coach is for only the most basic of bitches, basic bitches who haven’t updated their style since 2007. If a girl gave me some hideous printed tan leather Coach monstrosity, I would cheat on her immediately. ($150-$350)