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AfterEllen.com’s Gift Guide for the Gay Girl 2013

Every year we ask our writers to come up with gift-giving ideas for the women in our lives, and it unintentionally doubles as an interesting social experiment. (Results: Not typical.) Everyone gets to choose the category (aka kind of person) they are choosing presents for, and then they go to work finding the items (or in some cases, experiences) that they believe that woman would want. Now we’re not saying we get it all right, but we can almost guarantee that our picks will please whatever lucky lady you are shopping for.

Most gift guides will tout pricey electronics or brand new merchandise created just for the craze that is this money-making time of year. Instead, we hope to provide you with alternatives that are frequently women or lesbian-made, and something your giftee would not already be getting from her mom or brother or Santa Claus.

So here are 18 different kinds of women we know and love, and love to buy for during the holidays. May you find something that fits your budget and your boo!

Happy Holidays!

For the Closet Case

1. 19 Crimes Shiraz. Let’s be clear: You can have plenty of fun without alcohol-but your closet case can’t. Her oft-heard cries of “I was soooo drunk last night, I don’t know WHO I kissed!” and “Really? I don’t even remember that!” ring a little hollow if she doesn’t lay some groundwork first. While you should never, ever try to take advantage, she’ll appreciate the help in getting to the point where she can pretend those inhibitions are gone. Or at least that she’s up for getting into a cab and going to that one bar, but just because you you want to go there. I recommend 19 Crimes, a delicious Australian shiraz with a rich, complex flavor that fills you with a warm glow. And as a blended wine, it reminds you that sometimes straying outside the standard definitions of what one assumes something is supposed to be can produce uniquely satisfying results. And while she reads the corks, your closet case may just notice what’s not a crime. ($8.49)

2. “I Kissed a Girl” by Katy Perry/“I Kissed a Girl” by Jill Sobule. What better way to make sure your closeted loved one’s stocking gets stuffed than with music? Your yet-to-blossom pal will openly and secretly love this pairing. She probably already sings along to the first one anyway-it’s the anthem of girls who want to kiss girls but still stay safely straight. And your super-discreet friend will be delighted to learn that the earlier single by Jill Sobule isn’t the original version-it’s a different, better song… One your closet case may want to think about. ($13.98 each)

3. The Girls in 3-B by Valerie Taylor. Recent years have brought a new appreciation of postwar pulp novels and the way their writers quietly dodged mainstream censorship and subverted traditional social boundaries. Valerie Taylor used her mastery of broad-stroke storytelling to juxtapose old-fashioned romantic tropes against the realities of being broke in the big city, the limits on women’s choices, and the tawdriness of furtive make outs in cars, all while mercilessly skewering the sexism of Beat culture. The fact that one of the girls in 3-B just might be discovering a new kind of love is just another way of pushing against traditional social mores in a novel that pushes against so many. It’s totally not a big deal. I don’t even know why you’re bringing it up. ($13.95)

4. Fetching, Handy Organizers. Friend still firmly lodged? We recommend this fetching Indigo 6-compartment hanging sweater bag and companion 10-compartment hanging shoe bag. Because if your buddy intends to stay in that closet, she may as well keep it tidy in there. ($24.99 each)

5. Coleman Women’s Black/Clear Polarized Sunglasses. These sunglasses have flirty styling on the sides that say “Hi! I’m a fun, feminine, (probably) straight girl,” paired with big dark frames that say, “Nunya business who I’m actually checking out.” Plus the UV protection demonstrates your closeted pal’s sincere concern about the sun’s deadly rays, which is the only reason she’s been offering to rub lotion on everyone. Really. ($25.49)

– Ali Davis

Nostalgia: That deep pitter-patter that gives us a deep yearning for yesteryear. Maybe you’re that girl-willing to admit you had a crush on Jane Lane from Daria, a deep reverence for when Tegan and Sara were sporting puffy vests and singing folk, faked sick to stay home and play Gameboy or read Sweet Valley High. Or perhaps a Sapphic nostalgian is near and dear to you-the girl who believes in the never-ending lifespan of the Birkenstock, watches Season One of The L Word in bed when she’s sick, and could’ve told you back in 1991 that Kristy was a total lez in The Babysitters Club. Read on for some blasts from the past!

1. ‘80s Pop Portrait: Breakfast Club Basketcase. If she had to pick a favorite Breakfast Clubber, she’d for sure choose Ally Sheedy. The misunderstood, quiet misfit named Allison was a dose of eye candy, makeover or not. And anyway, it’s anyone’s hope she broke jock boy’s heart on Monday at school and went after Claire, right? This 8 x 11 glossy print is the perfect reminder to your houseguests that a basket case lives here-a great conversation segue into High Art. ($12)

2. Tales of a Fourth Grade Lesbo by Gina Young. She probably read Judy Blume when she was a kid, so she’ll get the reference. This DVD journeys into the world of queer girls growing up in the early ’90s through parodies, songs, dance and live theater-a liberating and totally relatable compilation that will take you back in time. Bonus: There’s also a PSA-aspect to this set that addresses bullying-perhaps ultra-perfect for the nostalgian with kids. ($15)

3. Wildfang Oregon Trail Button-Up Shirt. She grew up on MS-DOS and she geeked out harder than anyone in fourth grade over any class time devoted to Oregon Trail. Surely, with this shirt on, she’ll be the topic of conversation at any party-fording the pool, trading fur for beer and hoping she doesn’t wake up with cholera. ($38)

4. Doc Marten Mini Tydees Floral Boots. Her playful mix of confidence and pop culture wit mean she has to be rocking a kick ass pair of shoes-and you can’t go wrong with a floral print boot. Perhaps her parents gave her Docs away in a garage sale and she’s been pining for a fresh pair ever since. The DM rubber sole has been slip-resistant since 1960, full-grain leather, sewn together and heat-sealed with sass. You can’t lock much more attitude into one pair of boots. ($130)

5. Ellen: The Complete Series on DVD. Behold the groundbreaking series that sent gay shockwaves across the nation in 1997. It’s hard to track down the complete series without spending an arm and a leg-so if you’re looking for the season when Ellen comes out, behold Season Four. Of everything out there that’s retro, generationally significant, and gayfully nostalgic-this is the crème de la crème of collections. Where were you when you saw Ellen DeGeneres grace the cover of Time Magazine? ($300)

– Kim Hoffman

For the Lez Hippie Witch

Long before American Horror Story: Coven, you were that girl at sleepovers who insisted on playing Light as a Feather and conjuring magick with a candlelit séance. Crystals are kept around your dwelling or in your pockets for a day that needs extra protection and luck-but like a true witch, you keep your crystal visions to yourself (so says Queen Stevie Nicks.) A full moon means you might light jasmine incense and break out your ritual book of shadows. Evoke the spirits of the season and add a few of these relics to your alter.

1. HerScopes: A Guide to Astrology for Lesbians. Not sure if fiery Leo or earthy Virgo is for you? Charlene Lichtenstein‘s guide is the perfect bedside reading for all your Sapphic love-matching questions. What’s especially fun about a book like this are the good chuckles along the way when play-on-words make talk of sexy trysts a jaw-dropper. ($11)

2. Motherpeace Round Tarot Deck. Look no further than Karen Vogel and Vicki Noble‘s spirited set of cards. They capture the power of women over thousands of years-a perspective on the tarot that will fascinate, educate and enlighten you. The guidebook is a necessary accompaniment you’ll want close by on this journey. Take a spin away from classic tarot form and dive into this majestic world of feminism, myth and witchy symbolism. ($22.50)

3. Dori Midnight-Witches Bitches and Hos. Because every witch needs a healing elixir from an acclaimed herbalist! The very description itself beckons magicians, dwellers of and between genders, and lovers of the great mother to give this tincture a go. Meet your higher self with this intoxicating combination of Emerald, Green and Black Tourmaline, Ladies’ Mantle and Ladies’ Thumb-all green and black plants and stones for pure release of all the negativity you’ve been holding onto. ($25)

4. Gay Witch Tote. There’s a very special section of the Magic Hour Astrology site that’s calling to you: “Gay Witches.” Carry your pride and power with this black triple moon tote bag-two white crescent moons with a pink femininity triangle in the middle. Double plus: Creator Brandie Taylor gives astrology chart readings, flower essence consultations and makes homemade element candles. Now that’s magical! ($20)

5. Phase Ring. Keep the lunar cycle around your finger for all the seasons with this gorgeous, antique silver or silver with sapphire Pamela Love ring. The gift of the moon is as womanly as a holiday surprise can get-waxing, waning, and full. Each phase is cut out into the ring, sitting high on your finger like the night sky. ($115)

– Kim Hoffman

Gay for the Gym Girl

Maybe you like to exercise. Maybe you like to watch athletic women do what they do best. Maybe you just want to look like the women from ESPN: The Magazine‘s Body Issue. While there’s no gift that will give you the body of a professional athlete (they got those the old fashioned way, they earned them), here are a few things for you, or someone you love, that might make working out a more pleasant experience.

1. Books. Not everyone wants to read books about working out. But some workout nerd types might enjoy changing things up with a little help of an expert. Even if you aren’t a mom, you might like Run Like a Mother, which is less about having kids than it is about finding ways to sneak in a run or a workout when your schedule is bananas and you only have short time to get your exercise before watching Pretty Little Liars. ($12)

2 The right clothes. I’m a masculine of center kind of lady so running tank tops and cute little yoga bras do nothing for me (except on other pretty ladies). So I went looking for a few things that I might wear working out. These superhero socks and a Paige McCullers approved Batman t-shirt would definitely help get me out the door and running. ($15-35)

3. Post workout pampering. You can always send your lady off for a massage, facial, manicure, or to whatever is her particular pampering preference. Don’t have a place nearby that specializes in sport massage or can’t find just the right thing? There’s always a classic massager for home use. Bonus: You might just have a role to play in this massage. ($54.95)

4. Shoes. No matter if you’re a runner, biker, tennis star (we miss you Dana), or golfer, there’s a shoe for that. To make sure you or your lady get the right pair, think about getting a gift card from either your local sports shop or from a place like Zappos.com. I suggest getting it from a local running store if you’re a runner because they will help you find the perfect pair but if you don’t have that kind of thing in your area the internet has you covered. ($50-$100)

5. Fitness tracker. Some people exercise for the fun of it. Some do it because it makes them feel good. And some channel their inner Spencer Hastings and do it to crush the competition. If that’s you, or your lady friend, you’ll need a way to measure just how awesome you are. In the old days that meant a stop watch. Now you can use something like the Nike Fuelband or FitBit to help track your activity level and tell you whether you are even more awesome today than you were yesterday. ($99-150)

Happy shopping.

– Lucy Hallowell

Gifts for Her (That Are Really for You)

‘Tis the season of giving, according to Hallmark, but we’ve always found it more useful to abide by the adage: “Sharing is caring.” And not just because we want our gifts to our special someone to be enjoyed by us, the gifter, as well. Besides, according to this totally legit holiday survey, “One-third of Americans ages 25-64 say they will self-gift this holiday season.” What goes around comes around, right? With that in mind, here are the top gift ideas that will make her happy, but will also make you happy. Everybody wins.

1. Fitness classes. We all want to look hot for our partners, and the holiday season is THE WORST when it comes to being healthy. I mean, what other time of the year do we drink eggs seasoned with brandy and sugar? Not to mention all the cookies, cakes, and figgy pudding that are everywhere. Getting your Sugar a fitness class package for an activity she enjoys (yoga, hip hop dance, zumba, rock climbing, etc.) is the funnest way to combat all the sugar. To ensure this gift isn’t taken the wrong way, get one for yourself too, go together, and help motivate each other. All that sweaty, hot, endorphin-pumping action is bound to lead to action of another kind later on, which is a bonus for both of you. ($40-$50)

2. Boudoir photos. It may sound cheesy, but getting sexy photos taken with one of my girlfriends was intimate, fun, and confidence-boosting. You don’t need to get all 50 Shades of Grey or anything, but if done well, boudoir photos will serve as a reminder of how great you and your partner looked together, and you’ll have plenty of fantasy fodder for times when you’re apart. If that’s too revealing for your gal or you, you could also do regular couple photos (We recommend Glamour Shots for the free makeover and silliness factor). Or, you could turn an existing couple photo into art at PaintYourLife.com. ($60 and up)

3. Experience dates. Creative and so much better than dinner and a movie, experience dates (like from How About We, Groupon, Living Social, etc.) are not only half a present to yourself, but they are also a low-pressure way to do something you probably wouldn’t do otherwise (new activities help facilitate bonding and love-feelings, says science). Date options are as diverse as you are, and should be tailored to your sweetie’s tastes-if she hates skydiving, for instance, don’t book a tandem session. Experiences range from making your own macarons to learning Shibari rope knotting to couples massages, tours, parasailing, and so on. ($20 and up)

4. Quality sexcessories. Any gift that leads to more bedroom fun is a worthwhile investment for you too. Now is the time to put your money where your mouth goes. We can’t proclaim to know what your luvvah loves in the sack, but to get you started, we recommend the stellar harnesses at SpareParts HardWare, this adorable Wonder Woman corset set, the Good Vibes’ couples kit, or if you’re long-distance, these remote-controlled vibrating panties. Whatever you pick, it’s sure to give both you and your gal a buzz that’ll last year round. ($35 and up)

5. Annoying habit fixer gift. Everyone has one or two things about their partners that drive them banana sandwiches. Some of these, of course, can’t be corrected with a gift, but with some creativity, many are do-able. Is your girlfriend’s phone always dying while you’re trying to get a hold of her? Buy her a portable charger she can put on her keychain. Does she frequently lock herself out of her house? Make her a spare key set. Does she eat frozen pizzas and Taco Bell for most meals? Make her a personal recipe book with your favorite meals and offer to cook them together. Does she leave her mail everywhere? Get her a cute storage holder. The key is to be good-natured about the gift -you don’t want to offend her or make her feel like you’re trying to change who she is. Instead you’re trying to help her help herself. ($5 and up)

Happy holigays, everyone! And remember the golden rule, give unto others as you would give unto yourself.

– Anna Pulley

For the academidyke “getting off” more often than not pertains to cerebral, rather than sexual, activities. She is a professional scholar entrenched in academia-you know, that furrow-browed friend who can’t-stop-won’t-stop talking about “getting published” and the “academic job market,” and who is spending her holiday frantically finishing her paper for the MLA Convention.

1. Testo Junkie. The academidyke, regardless of her actual discipline, needs to keep up with the latest in queer theory. Beatriz Preciado‘s Testo Junkie: Sex, Drugs, and Biopolitics in the Pharmacopornographic Era is the book on every queer’s lips. Read it, or don’t bother to show up at the GL/Q Caucus’s Cash Bar at the MLA…or any other queer academic hub, for that matter. ($13.77) 2. A job-scoring Interfolio account. If you’re without an institutional home or are part of one that exploits you (check and/or check for everyone!), you’ll want to have an Interfolio account, which allows you to build and maintain your dossier for whatever job comes your way (those potential adjunct jobs in Abu Dhabi are the best, no?). Your recommenders can submit their letters directly into your account-no fuss, no muss. Account plans start at $19/year, and Interfolio charges $6 to electronically ship your dossier (more $ for printed dossier shipments). ($19+) 3. A proper fucking briefcase. The standard black or brown leather shoulder bag just will not do. Much like Mary Poppins’ carpet bag, this briefcase needs to hold essentially everything for the busy academidyke: laptop, books, papers, with a few side pockets for personal items like your wallet, phone…and a small bottle of lube-you know, when you’re away at a conference. Michael Kors, usually the bastion of great totes, has gone too commercial, as has Kate Spade, even though the latter has a terrific option to customize your own “weekender bag,” for that personal touch. This messenger bag from OGIO serves as an alternative to the typical leather briefcase, and buy it won’t break the bank. ($64.90) 4. Hot frames. Because everyone is looking at you. Your frames should be sophisticated, yet edgy. Beware of edging too much into hipsterdom, for which you will be roundly dismissed by your colleagues as “youthful,” or, even worse, “a graduate student.” Everyone shits themselves over Warby Parker, but I’d recommend something a little less obvious (and therefore automatically more cool, duh), like a pair from Kala Eyewear. (prices vary) 5. A sweet-ass blazer. Like this one from VEEA Androgynous Fashion, which is tailored specifically for more androgynous female bodies, and which ultimately has more of a professional feel. A blazer-a non-corduroy one, lesbians!-is an essential piece of every academic’s wardrobe. You can dress it up with a fitted shirt for a conference, or you can dress up your pjs by wearing it over your Wonder Woman t-shirt as you rush off extremely late to class. ($295, with $15 off using this code: AE15OFF2013)

– Marcie Bianco

Lesbian Film Fanatic

She can discuss the similarities between French New Wave and Dogme 95 until night gives way to pale morning light. She’s made you stand on the sidewalk for hours, more than once, to be first in line for the latest big-screen installment of that series she loved as a book first. And she has no bigger smile than the one she gets right before the theater goes dark and the screen gets bright.

1. Movies, duh. Sure, everyone has the lesbian movie classics. (No, Virginia, that’s not an oxymoron.) But dig deep, deep into the LGBT library and find some obscure gems. How about documentaries? Or small lesbian-produced independent films? Or, expand her virtual library with new releases like Concussion or Cloudburst with digital downloads thanks to Wolfe Video. ($6.95-$19.95)

2. Minimalistic Movie Posters. Give you movie fanatic one of these fantastic minimalistic posters from her favorite film. Sure, you could get her the real poster. But nothing is quite as cool as these stripped-down representations of what makes these movies so masterful. From Harry Potter to Finding Nemo to Star Wars, there’s plenty to choose from. ($12-$18)

3. Do-It-Yourself Lesbian Scene Memorabilia. Never mind the pre-packaged stuff. Show her you care by making your own custom gift to showcase her favorite lesbian movie scene. Pour your favorite honey into a Mason jar and label it “Bee Charmer.” Design a T-Shirt that declares “You’re a wanker No. 9.” Or send her to falconry school. ($10-$2,750)

4. Streaming Movie Subscription/Gift Certificates. Sure, stale popcorn smell and that guy who won’t stop texting next to you make the movie theater experience fun. But sometimes a girl just wants to watch a movie in peace on her couch and make her own damn popcorn. And, there are options from Netflix to One More Lesbian. ($3.99-$7.99 a month)

5. A Big Bowl of Pasta. Because you’re going to need it to fuel your night of processing Blue Is the Warmest Color. You’ll want to carbo load to discuss all those Big Lesbian Feelings the movie brings up. And, considering how much of the stuff they eat on screen, you’ll probably be hungry for some. Might I suggest any of these pasta brands, that haven’t expressed their distaste for LGBT people. ($5-$10)

– Dorothy Snarker

The Fond of You Foodie

You know the lady you love is a foodie when every trip is planned around dinner reservations. At the table, she takes more pictures of her meal than of you. Then she shares the exact combination of spices the chef used in her dish, while discussing where you will be eating tomorrow. If this sounds like your partner in life than here are a few suggestions for the holidays.

1. Sweet Syrups. This stocking stuffer is a great treat for your coffee loving lass. It is delicious in ice cold milk, but even better drizzled over vanilla bean ice cream. Also it allows for you to write something corny in a card like “A sweet for my sweetie.” That will definitely score points towards holiday time fun. ($21)

2. Food Art. These colorful food prints are the work of graphic designer Christopher Dina. Affordable and adorable, they are a perfect addition to any kitchen or work space. But please order ahead of time and lay out the cash to get it nicely framed. There is no woman out there that wants to be handed a rolled up poster as a gift. ($18-$22 plus cost of framing)

3. Cheese Pairing. Let’s face it. If your significant other doesn’t like cheese and beer than its time to call it quits. And bonus for you, no gift required. But if she is down with Gruyere paired with a cold frosty brew than the Murray’s Beer Collection is the perfect gift. Make sure to check out all the other tasty options available in the cheese and charcuterie collections. ($59.99)

4. Culinary Science. Gifting this kit will cause the most fun you can have in the kitchen with your clothes on. Combining cooking and science will bring delight to any foodies day. The only drawback is you will have to sit through lots of small deconstructed meals. If just the thought of this makes you roll your eyes, then I recommend going with one of my other suggestions. ($58.95)

5. Holiday Feast. Can’t cook but want to impress your foodie? Than hit up William Sonoma and order the Holiday Dinner. This delicious feast comes with a fresh Free-Range Turkey, Artichoke Parmesan Stuffing, Loaded Mashed Potatoes, Green Bean Casserole, Pumpkin Pie and Pecan Streusel. It’s your choice if you want to fess up that you ordered it online or keep it as your little secret. ($299.95)

– Nicole Schultz

God bless those butches. They live in a world where clothes are divided by genders, and they are forced to live in the in-between. Fortunately they are many lesbian-owned companies trying to answer that call, and there’s no better time than now to support them while helping make your honey happy (and hot).

1. Cotton Bow-Tie. OK, this grape chambray is to die for. How much fun will you have finding a matching dress? (Just go for that LBDlittle black dress, not lesbian bed death.) ($45)

2. Silverlake Sleep Short. These Sloane and Tate undies look so comfortable, your lover will thank you in oh so many ways. ($48)

3. Hold-me Back Harness. For the androgynous girl looking to add some edge to her look, this heightened suspender option is just radical enough without being full on BDSM. ($118)

4. Custom Shirt from Tomboy Tailors. There’s nothing better for a butch woman that getting a shirt made just for her. If you’re not in San Francisco, Tomboy Tailors will help you get measured during a Skype session, and with all of their prints and cuts, you’re sure to find something in the right style.($100-$250)

5. The Marlene Blazer. Marlene Dietrich is the ultimate in lesbian style. Who wouldn’t want to throw on this jacket and be as smooth and stylish as she was in Morocco? ($228)

– Trish Bendix

The Wise Ass Gay Woman

Everyone has a favorite smart aleck. You know the type-those who are always first to the punch line and last to take anything seriously. While seemingly tricky to shop for, they’re sure to love anything you get them because, spoiler alert, jokesters are really just like teddy bears at heart. I mean, you’ve seen Ted, right? The trick is to figure out what makes the comedian smile.

1. Pee Wee Swag. Kayci Wheatley‘s Etsy is home to not only a Pee Wee Herman throw blanket and clutch (WUT), but also a number of Freddie Mercury, Debbie Harry and Patti Smith umbrellas, totes and bowties. I love that story! ($30-$68)

2. Hyperbole and a Half: Unfortunate Situations, Flawed Coping Mechanisms, Mayhem, and Other Things That Happened. If you’re unfamiliar with the website Hyperbole and a Half, dust yourself off from whatever rock you crawled out from under and check out Allie Brosh‘s blog. Hyperbole and a Half began as some of Allie Brosh’s viral sketches and rants about spelling, dogs, cake and has since become a hilarious graphic novel. Filled with unfortunate situations, flawed coping mechanisms and mayhem, Brosh’s heartfelt stores about her struggles with depression and adulthood are perfect for your sensitively hilarious lady friend. ($11)

3. Grumpy Cat Costume. There’s a good chance that the funny lady in your life has an unhealthy obsession with internet memes. So why not enable them further by getting them into costume? I like to think the Grumpy Cat costume doubles as a Snuggie. ($80)

4. Celebrity Velvet Paintings. VELVET Dolly Parton, Diana Ross and Liza Minelli-oh my! Artist, Kii Arens, creates brilliant, one of a kind velvet paintings and band posters for all your not ironic but actually ironically funny needs. ($40)

5. Cuddle Shirts. There’s a good chance that your favorite wise ass doesn’t shy away from jokes even in the most intimate of moments. Show your support by allowing her to wear those thoughts loud and proud. DPCTED has an entire section of sarcastic cuddle shirts which, lez face it, is our favorite pastime. ($24.99)

-Erika Star

Urban Sapphisticate

The urban ladies on your list are always trying to navigate ways to make living in the city just a little less stressful. They’re the first to embrace the newest trends, gadgets and slang so get that special someone something that’ll help make workin’ 9-5 just a little bit easier.

1. Pendleton Headphones. I know I am constantly on the lookout for an earmuff/headphone hybrid that will not only keep me warm but also not look like earmuffs. And we all love a Pendleton print, amirite? Introducing the Urbanears Plattan Pendleton Limited Edition Headphones! Nevermind the number of blankets sacrificed in order to make these phenomenal headphones, just bask in the glory of just how good they’ll look on your public transporting cutie. ($79.95)

2. Pet Treat Launcher. Sometimes, pet owners living in the city have to sacrifice having a yard and neighborhood fields to let their dogs run in. But now, with the pet treat launcher, you can encourage your dog to do laps in the comfort of your own home. I imagine it to be like a laser pointer for dogs but, then again, my dog has a little bit of a weight problem. ($19)

3. Linus Bike Bag. I don’t understand how avid bicyclists manage to ride their bike and balance at the same time, much less carry cargo. So when I saw the Linus Shopper Bike Bag, I immediately thought of all the ladies on my list who manage to carry everything and the kitchen sink on the back of their bikes. Pretty sure this tote it’s big enough to hold a bag of kitty litter and/or a case of beer so it’s perfect for every bike commuter on your list. ($79)

4. The Tile App. I lose things all the time. My keys, wallet and my keys. The worst part is that in my 30 years on this planet, I have yet to find a solution to my daily key hunt. Then I stumbled across Tile. Tile let’s you track items you often misplace using a slim, attachable tracking device and app for iOS. So instead of watching your lover run around hunting for the keys that are inevitably in her pocket, get her the Tile for some piece of mind. ($19.95)

5. Vintage Maps. Ladies love a thoughtful gift, and nothing is more thoughtful than a little token of home. I find that maps make personal gifts. Whether it’s of your ladies hometown, state or a favorite vacation, she’ll love the thought behind it. Bonus points for framing. ($24)

-Erika Star

Most queer women are nerds, at least a little bit, but this gift guide is for the Sapphic Super Nerd. This girl doesn’t just like Wonder Woman; this girl can talk you through the costume and character changes of Princess Diana of Themyscira from the Golden Age to the Silver Age to the Bronze Age to the New Age to the New 52 (including Earth 2).

1. Punny Potter Shirt. By now Harry Potter’s most famous moments are carved into our collective consciousness, so flip those iconic quotes on their heads and have some fun with puns. The way a girl responds to these kinds of t-shirts will help you know whether or not you should let her Slytherin. “Once again, I mustache too much of you, Harry”? Amazing. ($9.99)

2. Farnsworth iPhone Case. So when you’re facetiming with your lady love, you’re doing it just like Helena and Myka from Warehouse 13. ($15)

3. Framed Feminist TV Characters Prints. Captain Janeway, Our Lady of Determination. Buffy Summers, Our Lady of Protection. Zoe Washburne, Our Lady of Loyalty. There are eight nerdy pop culture saints, total. ($31)

4. Brick Ring. Dude, this ringwhich can be ordered in sizes 7-13features a two-pronged stud you can use to mount Legos! Single bricks, double blocks, even Minifigs! Plus, you can choose from a variety of metals. A perfect engagement ring? Oh, I think so. ($41)

5. RPG Gear, IRL. Fev Studios has created real-life working replicas of some of the best weapons and armor and gadgets from the greatest RPG video games. A Nordic bow or Daedric dagger from Skyrim? Yep! Caim’s sword from Drakengard? Mmm hmm. Kadaj’s souba from Final Fantasy? Uh huh. And the best part is, you don’t even need to level up your smithing skill to own this stuff! (varies)

-Heather Hogan

1. A Queer Scout badge. Are you a Girl Scouts reject? A Boy Scouts reject? Don’t worry, because we’re all Queer Scouts. Get a young queer a badge for their backpack, or if you don’t think the vaginal imagery will get them kicked out of their house, a poster for their room, all reasonably priced from artist Mary Tremonte. ($4-$7 )

2. Hello, Cruel World: 101 Alternatives to Suicide for Teens, Freaks, and other Outlaws, by Kate Bornstein, foreward by Sara Quin. Many folks like to reassure young queer people that it gets better, and while I personally don’t find anything wrong with that notion, the fact is you also need people who will talk real talk, and Kate Bornstein, gender warrior, is one of those people. This little book is jam packed not just with personal encouragement, stories, and inspiration but facts, resources, charts, and ideas about how to love your weird, queer, beautiful life and self. I haven’t been a teen for a long time, but reading this book still makes me cry grateful tears every other page or so. So buy this for a special teen in your life, but maybe pick up an extra copy for yourself, too. ($9.99-$16.95)

3. A good winter hat. It can be a cruel world, but sometimes it can just be a cold world, and you have to protect your head, young queers. It can be hard to discern who among you is actually like you when you’re a teen, when it’s sometimes hard to believe there is anyone like you. But if you see a girldoesn’t matter if she’s butch or femmerocking a particularly and peculiarly hot woolen hat, specifically a slouch beanie type of thing? Listen, there is a somewhat decent chance that girl just might be like you. And I know happiness lies within and everything, but looking cute while also keeping warm never hurts your self-esteem, either. I’m a fan of this charcoal one from Plum Feathers or if you’re that special type of nerdy queer, these fox and wolves hoodies from ThatGirlKnitz on Etsy are amazing. ($15-$48)

4. Monetary funds towards a rock or film camp for girls. Sleater-Kinney ain’t getting back together anytime soon, and we’ve all seen the stats about women in the film and TV industry. Spoiler alert: they suck. So get ye favorite young girl to an awesome camp so she can start rocking out and changing the world, stat. Girls can get out their frustrations and/or joy at a Girls Rock Camp, or at a film and media camp, such as Film Camp for Girls at Femme Film Texas or the awesome array of programs at Reel Grrls. These camps can be life-changing but can also cost a significant amount, understandably, due to the cost of equipment. Consider putting money towards an empowering experience instead of a gift card this year. (However much you can afford!)

5. A personalized queer phone case. Show your pride while you Instagram. These cases on Zazzle allow you to personalize them, too, so there’s NO MISTAKING who’s gay. It’s you! ($42.95)

-Jill Guccini

She’s always out, about and both seen and heard. She knows about all the lesbian parties and rolls into every single event with a pack. She’s a complete narcissist but everyone still loves her. How is that possible? Because life isn’t fair! So, just accept it and to make things even more unfair, buy her presents on top of it!

1. Make Up Forever Glitter. Once upon a time a couple of gay explorers braved wild raccoons and poison ivy and ran to the end of a rainbow and found not gold but glitter. And so every weekend, we must pay our respects, as they risked their ankles and skin quality for bringing us this wonderful discovery. Shine on when you’re getting down on the dance floor! (Tip: don’t just use primer, use glitter glue.) ($15)

2. Photojojo iPhone/Android lens attachments. The Oxford Dictionary announced that “selfie” was the word of the year, and as every scenester knows, the fun didn’t happen unless there are photos. And in the event that, say, Evan Rachel Wood just happens to show up unannounced at a weekday girl party, you’ve got to get a photo with her — and then get her number. (All right, everyone. She’s married. This happened years ago. And it wasn’t me. And it wasn’t just a photo. Shh.) But your arm is only so long, and these front facing cameras can’t fit everyone in. How are you going to prove that you’re having fun on Instagram? The Photojojo wide angle or fisheye lens will ensure you have the hottest selfies on everyone’s feed. ($20 each) And if you want consistent lighting in a nightlife environment, toss in a pocket sized spotlight as well. ($30)

3. Global Decor 170 Rotating 4 Bottle 1-1/2-Ounce Drink Dispenser. What do lesbians do before they hit the club? They’re cheap, so they pregame! Pregaming is both and art and science, and with the Global Decor Rotating Drink Dispenser, you can treat your entourage to perfectly measured 1.5 ounce pours with an aesthetically pleasing appliance that will brighten up your kitchen. Pregaming does not have to be limited to watery beer in solo cups (although there’s nothing wrong with that). ($49.99)

4. Hat from Goorin Bros. Goorin Bros. has brought the art of hat making out of faded black and white photos into 2013. As you know, lesbians love hats as much as they love women, and a lady wearing a hat looks more important that a lady not wearing a hat, and scenesters must always look important somore often than notthey have or aspire to have a collection of fashionable hats. Every gal has her own style, so I am just going to point to the main website. There you will find enough fedoras, flatcaps, cadet hats, bowlers, beanies, berets, snapbacks, floppies, cloches, panamas and fitted caps to make you look important for the rest of your life. ($25-$200)

5. UBER gift card. It’s 4 a.m. (or 2am in curiously sleepy places like Los Angeles and Boston), and you’re being ushered out of the club, because it’s time to go home. “Where am I?” you ask. I have no idea. Why are you asking me? “Am I OK to drive?” No, seriously, stop asking me. Ask Uber. Uber is a car service and taxi hailer with geolocation. It tells you where you are on a map and hails the nearest cab or car with the touch of a button. Buy your favorite scenester a safe ride home. Because DUI’s and sleeping on the curb-ain’t nobody got time for that! (varies)

-Grace Chu

If you catch your girlfriend staring out the window, imagining she is gazing out on the moors, if she affects a slight accent every time she meets someone from the U.K., and if she tries to throw phrases like “bloody hell” into conversation, you’ve got an Anglophile on your hands. A dreamy, romantic bunch, Anglophiles are easy to please with gifts that relate to the country where they all think they should have been born.

1. Tea Basket. Although not generally known for its outstanding cuisine, Britain has at least raised the international standard of coziness with its teatimes. Bundle up your beloved with a selection of fine black teas, digestives, clotted cream, and jam. Perfect for rainy days curled up in front of a fire. ($29.99)

2. Phone Booth. Let’s not kid ourselves: you are not getting this for your girlfriend. This one is for you, so you can put it in your living room and hang out in it all the time even though you haven’t had a a landline since 2006. It is exclusively for imaginary conversations with the Queen. ($1,299.99)

3. Cane Sword. Do you love a dapper sort of woman, who favors well-cut suits and who you occasionally catch villainously twirling an imaginary mustache? If so, prepare to see her eyes light up when she unwraps the ultimate accessory: a cane with a sword hidden inside. And when you think about it, nothing really captures British history more than the cane sword. Quaint, even stodgy on the outside, but with an inward steel that enabled them to ruthlessly colonize much of the globe. ($99.99)

4. Meta Hat. Want a gift that proclaims your love of Brittania while simultaneously affirming your loyalty to all things American? This is it. A red, white, and blue trucker cap that bears upon it the picture of Sherlock Holmes’ famous deerstalker. ($15.99)

5. Monogrammed handkerchief. Nothing says “heroine of a Victorian novel” quite like a fine linen handkerchief. You can hail carriages, staunch wounds received while dueling, and use them to mop up your tears when you get to the end of and Austen novel. Depending on the amount of lace you choose, this gift can appeal to either the masculine or feminine-leaning woman, and best of all you can have your own initials embroidered, so your beloved never forgets who she belongs to. ($15-$20)

-Elaine Atwell

Maybe you’re a TV junkie who wants to get a fellow fangirl a gift, or maybe you’re totally clueless about television but you know you can’t talk to your girlfriend from 8-9 on Tuesday nights. Either way, here are some gift ideas for the TV Nerdette in your life (or, you know, me).

1. Nerdy Gear. Every TV nerdette needs nerdy gear. Now, standard TV show shirts are fine, but they’re a dime a dozen. A real fan needs the kind of gear that reminds them of their favorite moments of the shows they love the most, while also being a great conversation piece with other die-hard fans. I personally hate guessing someone’s T-shirt size, which is why totes, pins, and pocket mirrors also make great, subtly nerdy gifts. ($5-$25)

2. Netflix Subscription. When I first had the idea of gifting someone a Netflix subscription, I thought it would be a tricky one only suitable for people in long-term relationships – but as luck would have it, Netflix has the nifty option of gifting someone a subscription. It’s the gift that keeps on giving, but without an open-ended commitment. The best part is, you can reap the benefits, too. Just thinkyou and your boo can binge-watch Orange Is The New Black every weekend from now until Season 2 comes out! ($8-$96)

3. Warehouse 13‘s Farnsworth phone case. Help your friend communicate like their favorite Warehouse Agent with this simple but thoughtful present. If you REALLY love them, you’ll get them Jaime Murray and Joanne Kelly‘s numbers to put IN the phone, but if you’re not fortunate to be on a first-name basis with the loveliest artifact-hunters in all the land, giving your lady-loving friend a Farnsworth cell phone case to put ON it is a close second. ($10-$22)

4. Pretty Little Liars-inspired clothing. Speaking of the gift that keeps on giving, get the Emily Fields in your life an off-the-shoulder shirt or sweater. Get it for your girlfriend, the girl you wish was your girlfriend, or the girl who has a girlfriend but you want to see more of her shoulders anyway. Spencer and Hanna also have some looks worth borrowing from, but do everyone (humans with eyes and animals with hides) a favor and don’t turn to Aria for clothing gift inspiration. ($15-$30)

5. Orphan Black Season One on DVD. So many Tatiana Maslanys for the price of one! This is a perfect gift for anyone on your list, because there is a clone for every personality. Queer nerd, soccer mom, rocker chick, religious homicidal psychofreak, and more! If they’ve seen the show, they’ll thank you. If they’ve never seen the show, they’ll thank you. It’s a win-win gift for any sapphic seeeestra. (Tip: If you want to go the extra mile with this gift, include a box of red Jello, a few packets of sugar, a London Calling T-shirt, eskimo pies, red wine, and a Hip-Hop Abs DVD.) ($30)

-Valerie Ann

For the Bisexual Biblioholic

I know it seems tempting to buy a book for the bibliophile on your gift list. After all, you know how much they love to read, can identify their genre of choice and even their favorite authors. Yet, if your loved one is truly addicted to books as you think they are, they probably already own all the classics you think they should read and pre-ordered that hot new-release from that rising star writer everyone is talking about months ago. So let’s avoid actual books this holiday season and instead move on to book-related gifts any biblioholic is sure to appreciate.

1. A Customized Book Tote. Every book lover needs clever tote in which to carry back home all the books they check out from library or buy from their favorite, local, feminist bookstore. (Or Barnes and Noble. I’m not judging). Design your own at Zazzle or choose from a an array of popular designs such as “Reading is Sexy,” “I Like Girls Who Like Books,” “Don’t Judge a Book by it’s Movie,” or my favorite, “I Like Big Books and I Cannot Lie.” ($11.95)

2. A Unique Book Locket. A cool twist on the ever-popular book locket, this locket features three books–in brass and silver finishes–asymmetrically stacked on top of each other for a funkier look. If the book locket is quite your loved one’s style, the Etsy shop, The Melton Pot, has many other designs available including Lord of the Rings and Harry Potter-inspired compasses, charm necklaces and pendants. ($26)

3. Demeter Fragrance: Paperback. Confession: I don’t have an e-reader. When my friends ask me why I don’t buy a Kindle because I can hold my entire library in a lightweight, handheld device. “I know, I know,” I often say, “but I just really like the feel and smell of books.” Well, I’m going to have to find a new excuse because I’ve just discovered a scent called “Paperback” by Demeter Fragrance Library. This scent blends the musty smell of aged paper with a touch of lavender and potpourri and is available as a cologne spray, body lotion, shower gel or atmosphere diffuser oil. This gift is perfect for old school readers, like myself, who still enjoy the smell of a library or used bookstore. Now we can have our old books and new technology, too. ($25-$39.99)

4. A Classic Children’s Story Gallery Wrapped Canvas. Remind your bibliophile of when they first fell in love with the written word with a canvas featuring their favorite fairytale or children’s story. The modern minimalist designs by Christian Jackson will make your loved one nostalgic for simpler times, while inspiring them to keep reading. Choose from Snow White, Rapunzel, The Three Little Pigs, Little Red Riding Hood, Alice in Wonderland, The Wizard of Oz and more. ($135)

5. Bookworm Chair. The #1 Biblioholic problem is finding space to store all their precious books. The #2 problem? Finding a cozy corner to read them. Solve both issues with one purchase: the bookworm chair. It’s a book shelf and reading nook in one! The modern space-saving design in bright colors will enliven any room. The Bookworm chair comes equipped with comfy cushions and a hanging lamp. Cup of tea sold separately. (Price upon request)

-Eboni Rafus

When I selected “high-maintenance femme” it was because I thought I was a high maintenance femme, and so could just write a shopping guide for myself rather than expend mental capacity on the desires of others. A few minutes ago, I double- checked by texting ‘would you call me a high maintenance femme?’ to a gaggle of lesbian friends and two girls I’m casually seeing. The two girls I’m seeing texted back firstprobably because they’re the only ones invested in my self-perceptionwith “I don’t think so” and “not at all.” I am pissed. I thought I was high-maintenance. If I’m not high-maintenance, does that mean I should or even could ask more? Am I demanding too little? Are my standards low or even average? Newly inflamed with self-interested fervor, I meticulously assembled this list of items any high maintenance femme (including myself) deserves. 1. Anthropologie Tea Set. A decent set of china is a non-negotiable. Plus, teacups are the perfect size for booze! Get her drunk like a lady. ($12-$30) 2. Nars Semi-Matte Lipstick. Lipstick requires regular re-application and no girl wants to pull out a tube of ratchet Wet & Wild in the ladies room. Nars is known for making the some of the best makeup, and I’m a big fan of their lipstick because of it’s rich, matte, clean finish. Other expensive lipsticks (COUGH COUGH YVES ST LAURENT) look beautiful, but come out too thick and get all over your shiz. You won’t have that problem with Nars. Go with a classic red to make any girl happy, or my personal favorite: Funny Face. ($26) 3. Dry Bar Blow Out. Here’s a gift certificate worth receiving: for $40 the brilliant stylists of DryBar (locations nationwide) will give you the best blow out of your life. I actually just received and used one last week, and my experience was perfection. You pick a style from the menu, get comfy, sip on champagne, and 30 minutes later you have red-carpet worthy hair. I went to the West Hollywood location and was incredibly impressed by the level over service. My stylist spent an extra 20 minutes making sure each curl of my mai-tai (beachy waves) was perfectly swirled. Heaven.($40) 4. Jeffrey Campbell Litas. Jeffrey Campbell’s Lita heels are a staple of any cool-girl femme. They’re the perfect balance of “pretty” and “edgy,” and come in an insane variety of colors and patterns. You can get spikes, suede, velvet, or (like me) go for a galactic print. Bonus: chunky heels = relative comfort. Any HMF worth her salt should be comfortable dancing in Litas for at least four hours, depending on enthusiasm and alcohol consumption. ($160) 5. Designer purse. A cute little designer purse is mandatory for any high-maintenance femme, and the designers I’ve listed make adorable day to night bags at reasonable price points. I have one of each, NBD. Notice that I have not listed Coach, a “designer” purse procurer who regurgitates bags at a similar price point. Coach is for only the most basic of bitches, basic bitches who haven’t updated their style since 2007. If a girl gave me some hideous printed tan leather Coach monstrosity, I would cheat on her immediately. ($150-$350)

-Chloe

Hey girl, you’re awesome at gift giving. Do you have a special person in your life that is obsessed with pop culture? You know the type. Knows every meme, addicted to Tumblr, has a Grumpy Cat iPhone case. When they aren’t making the perfect GIF, they are glued to Buzzfeed or tweeting about their favorite shows, movies and celebrities. Here are a few gifts that will fit their bill to a T. #PopCultureLez

1. MockingJay Pin. The odds will ever be in your favor when you present this MockingJay pin to that special pop culture nerd in your life. Perfect timing to coincide with the release of Catching Fire, ask them slap on this little beauty and give you some District 12 realness. Pair it with a warm loaf of bread and some Nutella (from the Capital, of course). ($11.99)

2. Punk Alice T-Shirt. Disney character memes are all the rage this year, and this twist on the Hipster Princesses will deck any pop culture fan’s halls. Looks like Alice fell down the rabbit hole and ended up in Kat Von D’s tattoo chair. ($32)

3. AdventureTime Monopoly. There is just something about this wacky Cartoon Network show that warms the hearts of folks of all ages. Perhaps it’s the less-than-subtle ladylove vibes that are happening between Princess BubbleGum and Marceline. This AdventureTime version of the classic Monopoly game will have them cheering, “Oh. My. Glob!” ($39.99)

4. Wonder Woman Ceramic Glass Set. This is so much better that the invisible version that came out last year! This set of high quality ceramic drinking glasses are wonderfully colorful and sure to please the Wonder Woman in your life. She’ll be dipping her Oreo in these glasses like a bossor should I say Amazonian Queen? ($39.99)

5. LootCrate Subscription. The holidays only come around once a year, but wouldn’t it be awesome if you could remind someone how much you love them and their pop culture addiction, all year round? With LootCrate, you can. This subscription service delivers a different pop culture-themed box to their door every month. (Last month it was all about zombies!) Everyone loves to get packages, and this one is chock full of goodies. ($105.99 for 6 months)

– Dana Piccoli

Happy Shopping!

Lesbian Apparel and Accessories Gay All Day sweatshirt -- AE exclusive

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