Don’t Quote Me: An Open Letter to Ilene Chaiken

The new transgender character, who escapes death by inches, drives to The Planet to tell everyone what happened, but in his haste accidentally runs over Angus, who is singing his “Hello” song to a beautiful, deaf lesbian holding a picket sign that reads, “Even I hate the theme song!” at the entrance to the parking lot.

Angus sings, “Hello to the deaf lesbian; so glad to see you! Hello to the speeding car; so gla—” Then, he's gone. Just like that!

Shane sees the whole thing from the bathroom of the new Hometown Buffet next door, where she is once again having steamy sex with Carmen, who came back to introduce Shane to the concept of nourishment. “Angus is dead,” Shane says in her deadpan way.

Carmen sighs. “No, no, no. We've been over this. Angus is beef — protein, honey. You should try some.”

With bloody Angus blocking part of the road in front of The Planet, a traffic jam forms and buried deep within it is Bette, who is on her cell phone yelling at Tina. “I've given Angelica to the Black Panthers. They'll teach her to be a strong woman of color, not a weak, uncultivated, manipulative, draining, ungrateful bore like you!” she screams.

Tina seethes but knows just how to get back at Bette. “I didn't pick up your dry cleaning!” she taunts.

Bette gasps and then says, “You don't deserve me, Tina!”

“Oh, yes I do!” Tina assures her. “I'm a mess, and the only way I can preserve my self-respect and resist your domination is by asserting myself indirectly or ambiguously. We're perfect together! Si?”

Bette growls and hangs up. Tina whimpers and falls onto her bed into the arms of a naked woman — a new Latina neighbor who is teaching her to speak Spanish so that she can be passive aggressive in another language. “How'd I do?” Tina asks through her tears.

Meanwhile, Helena, who will live out her remaining days clinging to a picture of Dylan and an empty bottle of Cristal on a urine-stained refrigerator carton on Hollywood Boulevard, is awoken from a deep sleep by her mother, who just comes by to kick her now and then and say, “Darling, you put the pee in Peabody!”

Back at The Planet, Alice, distraught over Dana's death, is popping Dana's pills and discussing suicide with a shiny new cardboard cutout of her best friend and lover when Kit, who has just learned of Angus' demise, goes into premature labor at cardboard Dana's feet. “Help me, Alice!” she cries.

Alice tries to comfort her by saying, “Hello-o-o? Get a grip, Liza. You're the only woman in L.A. who didn't think Angus was gay. ” But Kit can't hear Alice over her own screams.

Suddenly, Betty, who just happens to be onstage, bursts into a song aptly titled “We Suck.” Then, not to be outdone, God-des and She, who also just happen to be at The Planet, jump onstage and start singing their song “We Suck More!” And, just for the hell of it, add “P*ssy!”

Meanwhile at the carnival, a new, lighter Jenny emerges when questioned by a cute, butch EMT. “How many fingers do I have up?” the EMT asks. “Two lesbians and a monkey walk into a bar …” Jenny replies.

When Bette finally reaches the entrance to The Planet, she realizes that the only reason she's been sitting in traffic for so long is that Angus is dead in her lane. “Great. Just f*cking great!” she shouts as she slams the steering wheel with both fists. “Why me?”

Back inside, Kit writhes in pain as Shane and Carmen enter for post-coital carbs and lattes. Alice tries to get Shane to help comfort Kit, but Shane insists that they first update Alice's Chart, because back at the buffet she ran into the entire Arquette family and proceeded to misunderstand the meaning of all-you-can-eat. Carmen, meanwhile, falls asleep and has a dream that Shane takes a summer job shearing sheep on a mountain where she has sex with a British nun.

“High on a hill was a lonely goatherd,” Carmen mutters melodiously in her sleep. “Lay-ee-yodel ay-ee-yodel ay-ee-oo …”

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