Denise Richards and other stars that are not lesbians

 
 

June might be Pride Month – a time where gays and lesbians everywhere pop out of doorways, alleyways, radiators and even closets to celebrate their gayness – but some celebrities, however, have instead decided to celebrate the declaration (or reaffirmation) of their heterosexuality. Retracting previous declarations of queerness isn’t new (see, for example Keeley Hawes), and some of the following celebrities are happy to carry on that fine tradition.

1. Jenna Jameson is “totally hetero.”

Due to an increased sense of political awareness, lesbians will not hesitate to intellectualize things that were never meant to be critically analyzed, such as porn. Porn is intended to bypass the area of the brain that is used for things like crunching numbers or discussing semiotics and is instead supposed to trigger the following reflexes: making your crotch tingle and eliciting the uncontrollable desire to hump something (or someone). However, porn is a sticky subject with some lesbians (and not in the literal sense).

Example:

College Me: Hey! Playboy is coming to our school to take naked pictures of our classmates! Ha ha ha!

Former College Roommate: Playboy coming to film at our school is disgusting. Porn is exploitative and hurts all women! It hurts you. It hurts me. In fact, I’m deeply hurt by your comment. I think you need to apologize to me.

College Me: Um, boobies?

Former College Roommate: [gives College Me the lesbian look of death] YOU DON’T GET IT! [Former College Roommate then launches into a soliloquy of why porn sucks and why College Me is a terrible unenlightened person.]

College Me: [Cowering] Don’t hurt me! I promise never to make light of porn ever again! It is serious stuff deserving the utmost disdain!

Former College Roommate: Good. You are dismissed.

Well some promises were meant to be broken. (And this exchange is further proof that torture does not elicit honest confessions. Are you listening, Dick Cheney?)

When one hears the phrase “porn star” the name that most likely comes to mind is Jenna Jameson. Jameson has become a household name, even among those who have never seen any of her films. A few weeks ago, Jenna announced that she is not a lesbian and is in fact “totally hetero.”

I think one of the big misconceptions everyone – even my friends – have of me is that I’m gay, but I am really not. I’m totally hetero.

Totally hetero? That’s news. Take this excerpt from this article in Rolling Stone, for example:

Off-screen, she puts the number of women that she’s slept with at 100, and men at 30. “I’m definitely bisexual, and there have been times in my life that I’ve been so bisexual it’s sick,” she says. “I love girls. I’ll never not look at a girl and think, ‘How do you think she tastes?’”

Totally hetero?

Or the following excerpt from this article in Paper magazine:

[S]he and her girlfriend Nikki Tyler, with whom she was living at the time, agreed to do a soft-core girl-on-girl film together. “Girl-on-girl was easy and natural. Then they offered me lots of money to do boy-girl.” Jenna’s first experience with straight porn was anything but hot. “The thing that turned me off was that he sweat on me. At the time, I was mostly gay. Women don’t sweat on you. That grossed me out.”

Totally hetero?

Maybe I’m just slow, but going on record saying that man sweat is icky and that you always wonder how a girl tastes may be the reason why this “misconception” exists.

Now, I do not personally know of any lesbians who are upset that Jenna Jameson has publicly declared her heterosexuality, but perhaps the 100 plus women that she bedded off-screen are scratching their heads in confusion.

2. Carly Simon announces that she is not gay.

Just last month Carly Simon told the Bay Area Reporter that she didn’t think of herself as “not gay” and in fact, strongly implied that she has had same sex experiences.

Bay Area Reporter:I’m wondering if Cyndi called you and asked you to be a part of the True Colors tour, might you get involved?

Carly Simon: Well, the part that I could be involved in is the gay and lesbian part. The part that would be hard for me is to commit to a tour because I’m not very comfortable being on stage. But the part that would be easiest for me would be singing on behalf of all of us. I don’t consider myself to be not gay.

BAR:Wow! Well, it’s great to have you as part of the family.

Carly Simon: Thank you! I mean, I’ve enlarged all of my possibilities. There are a lot of extremely personal stories to tell about that, but we won’t go into that right now. Let’s just say that it just depends upon who I’m with.

Many wondered what these “extremely personal stories” were. How had she “enlarged all of [her] possibilities”?

Then, just a few days ago she denied those previously self-perpetuated rumors on the Howard Stern Show.

Have I made love to a woman? No. Now, I have been ‘come on’ to, but I was too uptight. But I wish that I had. I think that I’m too old for that (now). I have a fantastic boyfriend now who’s almost a woman.

Too old? Oh, come on, Carly. Age ain’t nothing but a number.

Let’s look at some of the lyrics from Carly Simon’s most recognizable song, “You’re So Vain,” which is the anthem of all women who have dated narcissistic jerks.

You walked into the party like you were walking onto a yacht /
Your hat strategically dipped below one eye /
Your scarf it was apricot /
You had one eye in the mirror as you watched yourself gavotte /
And all the girls dreamed that they’d be your partner /
They’d be your partner, and… /

You’re so vain, you probably think this song is about you /
You’re so vain, I’ll bet you think this song is about you /
Don’t you? Don’t You?

Does anyone else get lesbianish vibes from these lyrics? First, every lesbian has an ex that fits the profile. Second, who doesn’t know of a lesbian with a vast collection of hats that she parades around in public like 80′s rappers paraded around their gold chains? And third, take note of the use of the word “partner,” which is non-gender specific.

Hat dipped below one eye? Cockiness? All the girls dreamed to be her partner? Who does that remind you of?

OK, that song was written in 1972 and was therefore not written about a certain Eva Torres who mysteriously disappeared from The L Word without a trace, but the jury is still out on Carly.

3. Denise Richards could “never do that!”

Denise Richards never declared herself to be queer, but she sure had a steamy scene with Neve Campbell in Wild Things, so I am going to throw her into the mix for my own prurient interest.

Just a couple of weeks ago, she announced, “No, I’d never do that – I love men!”

“That” is, of course, being a lesbian – you know, “those people.”

Then she continued, “I admit I have a weakness for guys that have dark hair and are passionate in bed, what is wrong with that?”

Doth the lady protest too much? As much as I would like to start rumors for fun, let’s be real. Anyone who has a chance to make out with Neve Campbell in a swimming pool…

…but then voluntarily goes for this…

…is probably not a lesbian.

Denise, darling. I hereby pronounce you 100% heterosexual. But Happy Pride anyway!

 
 

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