And the winner is â€” Jenny thanks the band and announces it’s time to reveal the winners. Jenny also mentions the judges will be dissecting each surfer’s performance. If anyone can turn a simple award ceremony into an opportunity to process, it’s lesbians. We can turn leaving a voicemail into a processing session. We’re so awesome.
Ms. Judge smiles and says Gingi and Jessica caught the most waves out of everyone. Beaming with pride, Gingi claps for herself. Crazypants Jessica didn’t do so much but claps for herself just cuz.
Jenny: All right. So, based on wave count, execution and length of ride, the winner of the [beginner] heat was â€¦
Cut to Gingi. Cut to Jessica blinking nervously. A hush falls over the crowd, the breaking waves the only sound.
Applause, applause. Gingi raises her hands in the air in sweet victory.
Good triumphs over evil once again. Michele gives Gingi a great big hug. Jessica drags her hands down her long face in astonished defeat.
Jessica: No, Gingi doesn’t get no props. I was definitely trying a lot harder.
Graciousness, thy name is Jessica.
Erin reaches over and unnecessarily gives Boo-Hoo a conciliatory pat on the shoulder. Jenny brings up Mary Osborne to announce the intermediate winners.
Mary: Vanessa, on the blue team, did a fabulous job. She had a lot of great control and balance out there in the lineup, which is hard to do under these conditions. And Melissa also did a great job out there.
Matt: And the winner of the intermediate heat is â€¦ Vanessa.
More hugs and applause all around. The score so far: one win for Red, one win for Blue. Matt brings surfing instructor Rebecca up to offer her comments about the advanced heat between Erin and Michele.
Rebecca: So, first of all, ladies, we were so impressed with your performance, both of you. Erin, you did a great job on riding the short board â€” you were the only one on short board out there, and you really impressed us. Michele, we thought you were so graceful. You caught nice long rides. You guys did a great job.
Matt throws it back to Jenny to announce the winner. "The winner of the advanced heat is â€¦" Matt stops and asks teasingly, "Are you guys ready?" Yeah, dude, I was ready half an hour ago. Get on with it, I’m not getting any younger over here.
Jenny: The winner of the advanced heat is â€¦ Erin â€¦
Grinning ear-to-ear, Erin gives Vanessa a bear hug. Michele smiles at both of them and applauds. Michele. The Anti-Jessica, that Michele.
But wait. What’s this? Over the whooping of the crowd Jenny says, "Hold on a minute."
Jenny: â€¦ and Michele â€” because they tied.
Michele throws her head back and laughs in relief and surprise. Their scores: 106 to 106. With one team win each, and one tie, the deciding factor falls to their cumulative team scores. Matt holds a crumpled paper in his meaty paw.
Matt: The winner of this team challenge â€¦ by one point â€¦ is â€¦ Michele’s team!
A split-second later, Michele, Gingi and Melissa are squealing and hugging like gay boys at a rodeo. The crowd goes wild. Erin and Vanessa wear frozen smiles on their faces while Jessica stands there dumb(founded).
Jessica: My heat with Gingi was so close, I was shocked she won.
Generous and cordial to the end, our little Jessica. By the way, how’s your back? Need to lie down or anything?
Erin succinctly sums up that losing feeling: "It sucks ass."
Gingi, you just won a surfing competition. What are you going to do next? "I’m going to Hawaii!" Gingi says gleefully. Michele congratulates herself for picking a winning team. Erin and Vanessa agree it wasn’t their fault and hatch a plan for next year: lose the nut job.
Meanwhile, Melissa and Jessica wander off to tie up loose ends.
Jessica: Since this is all done, are we done? Are we done hanging out? Do you want to close the book?
Melissa: I don’t want to be hurt again.
Jessica: I don’t blame you. And neither do I.
Melissa: I know. I know neither one of us want[s] to get hurt again. I’m not speaking for you, I’m speaking for myself.
Jessica: No, I know. [hugs Melissa] Call me up sometime. We’ll go ‘boarding, have a drink or something. It’ll be nice.
Melissa and Jessica enter into Phase 2: exes who are friends. Welcome â€” we’ve been waiting for you.
The girls frolic together on the beach one last time. "Pay the lady, pay the lady, pay the lady," Melissa sing-songs to the losers. She gets some seaweed swung at her. Touching.
The girls of summer â€” I have no decent waning-of-summer metaphor for the end of the series. The days aren’t getting shorter; there is no autumnal snap in the morning air in the land of the Curl Girls â€” this is L.A., where it’s perpetually sunny and 80 degrees. With one contest and one relationship over, there’s nothing left to do but take a look back on the series with a hokey montage.
Remember the weekend in San Diego? Vanessa’s East/West version of Titties ‘N’ Beer? The night Gingi got crushy on Jessica’s drag king outfit? The friendship, the fighting, the firearms? Six girls who like two things: surfing and other girls. Yeah. Good times. And that’s a wrap.