Round 2 â€” Intermediates Vanessa and Melissa are up next. Vanessa keeps her body warmed up by jogging back and forth under the team tent. She says she’s no good at competitive surfing, and she’s really nervous. Melissa’s sphincter level is maxed out too; she fidgets with her ponytail and her red team jersey, looking barfy with dread.
Jessica, torn between wanting to root for Melissa and wanting her own team to win, wonders, "What would Jesus do?"
Matt and Jenny resume their scintillating color commentary as the intermediates enter the water.
Matt: And the contest is on.
Jenny: Yes, um, all right. It looks like Melissa is going to take off. Here we go with Melissa.
Matt: Melissa’s right outside looking for a better wave â€¦
Jenny: On her knee â€¦
Matt: Jumps off â€¦ ohhhh.
Melissa’s jitters are messing with her shredding mojo. She fails to get up on her feet and falls ass-backwards into white water.
Vanessa executes a better ride but she’s off her game, too. Struggling to keep her balance, her praying mantis limbs contort wildly in the air. It isn’t exactly highlights from Blue Crush, but at least she doesn’t end up with a mouthful of kelp.
Matt: Conditions are kinda the great equalizer out there.
I thought strap-ons were the great equalizer. No?
Jenny: Right, yeah.
Matt: Wave selection, of course, is very important out there. I think whoever can find the cleanest wave and the best shoulder should probably come out of this scene with the most points.
Vanessa says competing makes your heart race. Shimizu likens it to an Iron Man competition. I dunno. I’m just not feeling the edge-of-your-seat excitement of say, a spelling bee.
Matt: For head-to-head heats like this, yeah, it’s a lot of paddling around. Twenty minutes, while it doesn’t sound very long; it is pretty physically demanding.
Which is why Matt and his straight man’s beer gut appear to prefer the invigorating thrill of a couch, a cold one and ESPN2.
Melissa sees Vanessa grabbing any and every wave. "Cheater!" she thinks. Is that cheating? Apparently, Melissa missed the part about "number of waves caught" during the reading of the rules because she was busy giving Jessica the stink eye.
Vanessa and Melissa paddle and surf, surf and paddle until they’re as limp as Clay Aiken with an issue of Hustler. After their 20 minutes are up, the air horn goes off and the heat is mercifully over. This one has to go to Vanessa, based solely on the footage they chose to show us.
While the judges confer, the teams offer their "that was awesome" congrats to Melissa and Vanessa.
Jenny immediately launches into an announcement for the beginners’ heat. She can’t wait to get out of the sun and off the beach â€” UV rays being bad for the ol’ money-maker and all. Since she was recently added to the cast of Season 3 of Dante’s Cove, Jenny better get used to the sun, not to mention sand in her crack, horrendous acting and oily, shirtless gay boys.