Sisters are doin’ it for themselves – The day of the surfing competition has finally arrived. After all their hard work and hours of practice, it all comes down to this one afternoon. In addition to surfing against each other, the girls are coordinating the entire event and working with the Surfrider Foundation, Women on a Roll and the entertainment lineup. There’s going to be entertainment? I thought watching lesbian surfers was entertaining enough. But God knows I love a good show. Which does nothing to explain why I’m watching this one.
Michele: The final event day is nerve-wracking. Not only do we have to compete, but we have to make sure that everything’s ready: the booths, the vendors, the sound system, the stage, everything.By “everything” she must mean Jessica, whose insane troll logic and ability to twist the simplest syntax into balloon animal-like hilarity brings new meaning to “sports doping.”
Michele gets some family support from her mom and stepdad, who arrive with a handmade “Go Michele” sign. Gingi too, has a fan base behind her – her mom, sister and friends show up with “Gingi Rocks” and “Go Gingi” signs of their own. Gingi on the rocks – a dee-lish summer drink if I ever heard one. Those signs are making me feel gypped. My mom never came to see me in marching band with handmade signs – not that I blame her. For some parents there’s nothing terribly thrilling about sitting on cold metal bleachers, scouring a muddy field full of dorktastic bandies, looking for the one kid who belongs to you.
Years later, though, she did attempt to take a picture of my name in a darkened movie theater (with a flash, no less) as it scrolled up the screen in the end credits. That’s my mom – a Ph.D. and all the common sense of a bag of hair.
Anywho. Gingi says she’s all the things you’re not supposed to be before a competition: nervous, sweating, agitated, grumpy and doubtful. Competing sounds an awful lot like a tax audit. Or online dating. Or being in a reality show.
Team Michele is now the Red Team. Someone sprung for team shirts: red for Michele, Melissa and Gingi; blue for Erin, Vanessa and Jessica. Melissa is looking all-American in her blue jeans, red team jersey and white hair. She rubs wax on her board as her stomach churns with the idea of having to be within 10 feet of Jessica.
Melissa: Having to be around her and having to see her either succeed and I fail, in the competition, or vice versa, then one of us gets to go to the place that we’ve both talked about going together … it’s hard. It’s hard to, like … [choking up] think about it.Oh honey, save the drama for your mama. I’ll tell you what’s hard. Experimental string theory is hard. Being a Mississippi roadkill collector in August is hard. Watching Painkiller Jane is hard. Beating Jessica at surfing? Quit yer bitchin’, ya crybaby.
By the by, how cute is it that Melissa thinks anyone’s really going to Hawaii and that the losing team is paying for it? Adorable.
Let the games begin — By afternoon all the booths are set up, the stage is assembled and Jenny Shimizu has arrived, lending an air of cool apathy to the proceedings. True to her word, she’s not wearing a bikini. Instead, she’s wearing a T-shirt that says, “SAVE IT!”
As in, save those emails and phone messages for the tell-all book about your bootie calls with Madonna and Angelina. Studs aren’t supposed to kiss and tell (it’s in the handbook), but if I were raiding Angelina’s tomb or praying at Madonna’s altar, I’d be blabbing it all over the place, too.
A crowd of women has gathered, lured in by the smell of fresh sea breezes, sunscreen and lesbian celebrity. As I once overheard Jodie Foster say at an all-female luncheon, “The estrogen is intoxicating.”
Jenny grabs the mic and welcomes the crowd to the beach. Does that sounds funny to you? It’s like saying, “Welcome to, uh, the ground.” Everyone claps for being at the beach. Michele’s girlfriend, Jenn, is there to support her. The graphic says, “Jen — Michele’s girlfriend.” For the record, her name is spelled “Jenn.” Would it be too much to ask the show to get the partners’ names right? Michele’s name might be “Michelle” for all we know. Oh well.
A straight dude named Matt from Surfrider also welcomes the ladies to the sand and gives a short spiel about how the Surfrider Foundation is all about clean water. Pro surfer Mary Osborne is there to explain the rules of engagement: the girls will be judged on execution of ride, including speed, control, power, the number of waves caught and the length of each ride. The scores will be cumulative. Someone please explain to Jessica what cumulative means.
Regaining control of the mic, Shimizu announces the first heat is for the advanced surfers. Michele and Erin trot into the water with their boards. Jenny doesn’t know a lot about surfing and isn’t much of a chatterbox, so Matt helps her with the color commentary.
Matt: How do conditions look out there, Jen?Yeah, Jen. You’re an oceanographer — how are conditions today, in your expert opinion?
Jenny: Well, uh, they look great. Look at — Erin ‘s already … oh. [ Erin misses a wave] No … Matt: They’re backing off a little bit because the tide is high right now. Michele is going for a wave … there she goes. Is she good? She’s up to her feet. Going … a nice little left, down the line. Wow. Nice.Michele’s run is fine, but the wave she caught was small — a wavelet if you will — and there’s only so much you can do with that. Gingi, her biggest fan, grins and pumps her arms in the air for her friend.
On Erin’s next run, she manages to catch a good wave and executes a ride on par with Michele’s last run. Both teams scream and cheer from the beach as they watch. The crowd is also cheering and holding more signs that blare, “Erin is on fire!” and “Good Luck Vanessa,” in bright block letters. Where are Jessica’s signs? Surely there’s got to be at least one that says, “It’s Not Your Fault!”
Erin and Michele are so evenly matched that even after several well-executed runs, neither can tell who rules and who drools. Someone blows an air horn and the heat is over. They return to their teammates, exhausted and relieved.
Michele: I was satisfied, I guess, with my wave selection. But I didn’t really do that much on the waves, and in the end, I think that cost me points because I didn’t do any moves. Whereas Erin is on a short board … that’s all you do on a short board: maneuver after maneuver after maneuver after maneuver.The judges show each other their score sheets. They mutter to each other about what a close heat that was. While the judges do some math, Matt and Jenny Shimizu sit in the background on director’s chairs, talking about chicks and stuff.
Erin: I think what I was hearing was that it looked about even and that Michele and I were catching pretty much wave after wave, right after another. So, I knew it was going to be a close call.I give this round to Erin because of the aforementioned short board trickery. And because she has a gun.
Round 2 — Intermediates Vanessa and Melissa are up next. Vanessa keeps her body warmed up by jogging back and forth under the team tent. She says she’s no good at competitive surfing, and she’s really nervous. Melissa’s sphincter level is maxed out too; she fidgets with her ponytail and her red team jersey, looking barfy with dread.
Jessica, torn between wanting to root for Melissa and wanting her own team to win, wonders, “What would Jesus do?” Matt and Jenny resume their scintillating color commentary as the intermediates enter the water.
Matt: And the contest is on. Jenny: Yes, um, all right. It looks like Melissa is going to take off. Here we go with Melissa. Matt: Melissa’s right outside looking for a better wave … Jenny: On her knee … Matt: Jumps off … ohhhh.Melissa’s jitters are messing with her shredding mojo. She fails to get up on her feet and falls ass-backwards into white water.
Vanessa executes a better ride but she’s off her game, too. Struggling to keep her balance, her praying mantis limbs contort wildly in the air. It isn’t exactly highlights from Blue Crush, but at least she doesn’t end up with a mouthful of kelp.
Matt: Conditions are kinda the great equalizer out there.I thought strap-ons were the great equalizer. No?
Jenny: Right, yeah. Matt: Wave selection, of course, is very important out there. I think whoever can find the cleanest wave and the best shoulder should probably come out of this scene with the most points.Vanessa says competing makes your heart race. Shimizu likens it to an Iron Man competition. I dunno. I’m just not feeling the edge-of-your-seat excitement of say, a spelling bee.
Matt: For head-to-head heats like this, yeah, it’s a lot of paddling around. Twenty minutes, while it doesn’t sound very long; it is pretty physically demanding.Which is why Matt and his straight man’s beer gut appear to prefer the invigorating thrill of a couch, a cold one and ESPN2.
Melissa sees Vanessa grabbing any and every wave. “Cheater!” she thinks. Is that cheating? Apparently, Melissa missed the part about “number of waves caught” during the reading of the rules because she was busy giving Jessica the stink eye.
Vanessa and Melissa paddle and surf, surf and paddle until they’re as limp as Clay Aiken with an issue of Hustler. After their 20 minutes are up, the air horn goes off and the heat is mercifully over. This one has to go to Vanessa, based solely on the footage they chose to show us.
While the judges confer, the teams offer their “that was awesome” congrats to Melissa and Vanessa. Jenny immediately launches into an announcement for the beginners’ heat. She can’t wait to get out of the sun and off the beach — UV rays being bad for the ol’ money-maker and all. Since she was recently added to the cast of Season 3 of Dante’s Cove, Jenny better get used to the sun, not to mention sand in her crack, horrendous acting and oily, shirtless gay boys.
Drama for beginners — After screaming at the tops of their lungs for their teammates, it’s finally Jessica and Gingi’s turn to show what they’ve learned in the past few weeks. They enter the chilly waters and wait for a good wave while Matt and Jenny make more television magic together.
Matt: So, this is a really important heat in this little gentlemen’s bet gone, uh … Jenny: … haywire. Matt: Yeah. Jenny: It’s gone haywire. Matt: Wow. Lot at risk … a trip to Hawaii and three new surfboards on the line.Gingi and Jessica totally get an A for effort. Neither knew how to surf at the start of the show, and yet there they are: Jessica is up, albeit low with knees bent, and Gingi catches some nice, gentle waves of her own. After a few runs, Jessica stops surfing and stands in the shallows, holding her back, grimacing with pain. Alarmed at the stop in the action, Vanessa yells from shore, “Hawaii, bitch!” and everyone laughs.
Both teams run to the edge of the surf to get a close look at the situation. Erin and Vanessa scream at Jessica to get back out there but to no avail.
Jenny: Jessica’s actually suffering from something … in her lower back there?Try three feet higher, just above her shoulders, Jenny.
Matt: You see her grabbing her back there, so a little bit of drama …Just a little bit. Somehow, we all knew this was coming, didn’t we?
Vanessa: I was totally screaming at Jessica to just feel the pain later. Ya know? Do this now. I mean, like, I was saying everything I could. I was saying “Hawaii,” I was saying, like, “surfboard …” You’ll get it later. Just work through the pain and just balls out, just a hundred and ten percent. I think she gave it, like, 80. At the most.As Jessica spazzes out under the pressure (or her injury, or whatever it is she thinks she’s experiencing), Gingi, good girl that she is, keeps surfing and racking up points. Vanessa turns away and cries exasperatedly, “F—!” Matt counts down the end of the heat: “Two, one … and that’s it, ladies and gentlemen.” The competition ends — not with a bang, but with a whimpering Jessica, who lies on her back in the sand like a beached whale. I can’t wait for Erin to give Jessica something to boo-hoo about. A good pistol-whipping, perhaps?
Matt chats up the judges as they examine their score sheets. It’s close. Too close to call. Michele thinks her rides were longer than Erin’s, although not as fancy. It’s a wash. Jessica admits she was getting tired, but she did the best she could. Erin gives Vanessa and Jessica her “we gave it our best shot” speech, but she’s no idiot.
Erin: I can’t help thinking that, ya know, Jessica [long, eye-rolling pause] set herself up to have a fallback, in case she didn’t do well.Hmm. And lo, now that the contest is over, Jessica’s back injury seems to have mysteriously healed itself. It’s a miracle!
Git down, git funky — I know you’re all on the edge of your sofas to find out who gets the new surfboards and tickets to Hawaii, but first, a musical interlude, courtesy of Von Iva, an off-the-hook girl band from San Francisco that Vanessa knows. Three rocker chicks take the stage and launch into a song.
Von Iva: Turn you out and spin you around … I’m gonna turn your world upside down … Git, git down, git down, git, git down …The Twirl Girls certainly have some interesting moves. Here, Melissa shows Vanessa the dance craze that’s sweeping the nation: the Whip. Meanwhile, Gingi tries to mount Jessica from behind. Which gives Jessica some ideas of her own, and she shows them to Vanessa. That was the best part of the whole show.
And the winner is — Jenny thanks the band and announces it’s time to reveal the winners. Jenny also mentions the judges will be dissecting each surfer’s performance. If anyone can turn a simple award ceremony into an opportunity to process, it’s lesbians. We can turn leaving a voicemail into a processing session. We’re so awesome.
Ms. Judge smiles and says Gingi and Jessica caught the most waves out of everyone. Beaming with pride, Gingi claps for herself. Crazypants Jessica didn’t do so much but claps for herself just cuz.
Jenny: All right. So, based on wave count, execution and length of ride, the winner of the [beginner] heat was …Cut to Gingi. Cut to Jessica blinking nervously. A hush falls over the crowd, the breaking waves the only sound.
Jenny: Gingi!Applause, applause. Gingi raises her hands in the air in sweet victory. Good triumphs over evil once again. Michele gives Gingi a great big hug. Jessica drags her hands down her long face in astonished defeat.
Jessica: No, Gingi doesn’t get no props. I was definitely trying a lot harder.Graciousness, thy name is Jessica.
Erin reaches over and unnecessarily gives Boo-Hoo a conciliatory pat on the shoulder. Jenny brings up Mary Osborne to announce the intermediate winners.
Mary: Vanessa, on the blue team, did a fabulous job. She had a lot of great control and balance out there in the lineup, which is hard to do under these conditions. And Melissa also did a great job out there. Matt: And the winner of the intermediate heat is … Vanessa.More hugs and applause all around. The score so far: one win for Red, one win for Blue. Matt brings surfing instructor Rebecca up to offer her comments about the advanced heat between Erin and Michele.
Rebecca: So, first of all, ladies, we were so impressed with your performance, both of you. Erin, you did a great job on riding the short board — you were the only one on short board out there, and you really impressed us. Michele, we thought you were so graceful. You caught nice long rides. You guys did a great job.Matt throws it back to Jenny to announce the winner. “The winner of the advanced heat is …” Matt stops and asks teasingly, “Are you guys ready?” Yeah, dude, I was ready half an hour ago. Get on with it, I’m not getting any younger over here.
Jenny: The winner of the advanced heat is … Erin …Grinning ear-to-ear, Erin gives Vanessa a bear hug. Michele smiles at both of them and applauds. Michele. The Anti-Jessica, that Michele.
But wait. What’s this? Over the whooping of the crowd Jenny says, “Hold on a minute.”
Jenny: … and Michele — because they tied.Michele throws her head back and laughs in relief and surprise. Their scores: 106 to 106. With one team win each, and one tie, the deciding factor falls to their cumulative team scores. Matt holds a crumpled paper in his meaty paw.
Matt: The winner of this team challenge … by one point … is … Michele’s team!A split-second later, Michele, Gingi and Melissa are squealing and hugging like gay boys at a rodeo. The crowd goes wild. Erin and Vanessa wear frozen smiles on their faces while Jessica stands there dumb(founded).
Jessica: My heat with Gingi was so close, I was shocked she won.Generous and cordial to the end, our little Jessica. By the way, how’s your back? Need to lie down or anything?
Erin succinctly sums up that losing feeling: “It sucks ass.”
Gingi, you just won a surfing competition. What are you going to do next? “I’m going to Hawaii!” Gingi says gleefully. Michele congratulates herself for picking a winning team. Erin and Vanessa agree it wasn’t their fault and hatch a plan for next year: lose the nut job.
Meanwhile, Melissa and Jessica wander off to tie up loose ends.
Jessica: Since this is all done, are we done? Are we done hanging out? Do you want to close the book? Melissa: I don’t want to be hurt again. Jessica: I don’t blame you. And neither do I. Melissa: I know. I know neither one of us want[s] to get hurt again. I’m not speaking for you, I’m speaking for myself. Jessica: No, I know. [hugs Melissa] Call me up sometime. We’ll go ‘boarding, have a drink or something. It’ll be nice.Melissa and Jessica enter into Phase 2: exes who are friends. Welcome — we’ve been waiting for you.
The girls frolic together on the beach one last time. “Pay the lady, pay the lady, pay the lady,” Melissa sing-songs to the losers. She gets some seaweed swung at her. Touching.
The girls of summer — I have no decent waning-of-summer metaphor for the end of the series. The days aren’t getting shorter; there is no autumnal snap in the morning air in the land of the Curl Girls — this is L.A., where it’s perpetually sunny and 80 degrees. With one contest and one relationship over, there’s nothing left to do but take a look back on the series with a hokey montage. Remember the weekend in San Diego? Vanessa’s East/West version of Titties ‘N’ Beer? The night Gingi got crushy on Jessica’s drag king outfit? The friendship, the fighting, the firearms? Six girls who like two things: surfing and other girls. Yeah. Good times. And that’s a wrap.
