“Curl Girls” Recaps: Episode 4

Send lawyers, guns and mommy — Back at the shooting range, Butchy Cassidy and the Tube Sock Kid stand at the counter picking out their hardware. Vanessa thinks she's shopping for sex toys — she wants to pack the biggest one they have. She wants to shoot 'em all. I fear for Vanessa's next girlfriend.

Erin says she understands if Jessica doesn't like guns; it's the melodrama she can't stand anymore. Vanessa plays with the clipboard on the counter and offers to add Jessica's name to the shooting range's mailing list. Vanessa is all about being thoughtful.

Without the dead weight of Jessica's endless emotional needs, Erin and Vanessa feel free as barn swallows. They celebrate by giddily blowing the hell out of a bunch of paper targets. Erin choose bull's-eye targets, but Vanessa goes for the human silhouette so she can picture Jessica's face on them.

Vanessa hits the button, and her target returns to her on the automatic pulley. She nailed the chest, a lung lobe and the left kidney.

Don't mess with the 'Ness.

Meanwhile, Jessica is still outside nursing her panic attack. She's waiting for a friend to come get her to take her to Melissa for some hugs and warm milk.

Back at Michele's, there's an orgy going on. OK, it's not an orgy sadly exactly, but it looks slightly tantric. Gingi is upside down, and Melissa's got her by her feet. Michele has her hands on Gingi's torso.

It's the little-known yoga pose "Upside-Down Gingibread." Just as they let Gingi go, Jessica shows up. She tells the others the bad lady tried to make her do bad things.

Jessica: My anxiety was freaking out. I was crying.
Gingi: You can do some yoga and chill out …
Michele: You wanna just sit?
Jessica: [to Melissa] I want to know if you can take me home, actually. I'm really disturbed.

True that.

Melissa nods silently. Gingi looks amused. (Gingi always looks amused.) Michele's brow is furrowed with what? Worry? I think her bandanna's just too tight.

Melissa is happy to be pulled out of yoga class. Thanking God her girlfriend's drama finally worked in her favor, she takes Princess home for a foot massage and a Xanax.

Transformers — Later that night, after Jessica's had time to recover from her ordeal, Erin has her team over to her place to get ready for a night out on the town. Vanessa arrives early, giving her a few minutes to talk to Erin about their problem child.

Erin opens a bottle of wine, but before they can get waist-deep in the Jessica mire, the princess herself shows up. Devoting five minutes and a glass of merlot to Jessica's emotional issues seems like both not enough and way too much.

To lighten things up, Erin, Vanessa and Jessica have decided to dress in drag. This has Vanessa written all over it. She has her portable tranny kit with her: suits, hats, her trusty fake mustaches and Ace bandages. You never know when the mood will strike you to put a sock in your pants.

Jessica gets her boobs wrapped up tight while Erin crams herself into her own closet to change. Either that's a studio apartment or Erin's a modest little weirdo.

Erin and Jessica are donning their ties when Vanessa swings the bathroom door open. She's wearing a little black hoochy dress.

That is so wrong. So. Wrong. She looks like a bad drag queen. Vanessa in a dress is a crime against nature. Like turducken.

In her tight shirt, loud tie and droopy mustache, Erin imagines she looks like a young Johnny Depp. Dream on. She looks like a little gigolo from Tijuana.

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