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“Curl Girls” Recaps: Episode 3

Work hard, play hard – Everyone’s in the water, even Jessica, who’s taken herself off last week’s injured list. Practice, practice, practice. Practice makes perfect. Or in this case, maybe not sucking out loud is good enough.

The day is filled with spill after spill and no obvious improvement, but hey, it beats the hell out of working. After a hard day at the beach, the girls decide they’ve earned a drink or five and head off to that L.A. lesbian hotspot, East/West. Work Out fans remember East/West as the bar where Michele had a craptastic blind date with Jackie Warner where the only love match they discovered was a shared affection for hair products. Michele was forced to nod politely as Jackie complained about her girl problems, and later, she helped her trawl for fresh babes.

Erin, Michele, Gingi and Vanessa settle into a booth with their $12 cocktails and watch Melissa and Jessica perform PDSF (public display of suck face). Melissa is grinning with joy because Jessica came back to her. Jessica loves an audience and straddles Melissa’s lap right there in front of a large window.

Gingi’s gaze is redirected from the Melissa and Jessica Show to a girl standing out on the sidewalk. She leans on Vanessa and whispers, “Oh, she’s hot,” as her eyes take a walk all over a punky girl with tattoos, bleached hair and a low-cut tank top bursting with bottomless cleavage. Gingi likey.

Vanessa: If you get her number, I’ll streak the club. Gingi: Shut up. Vanessa: I’ll go … [motioning outside] I’ll run topless. Gingi: Deal.
Vanessa says if Gingi can’t score Cleavage’s digits, Gingi will have to “be naked later.” Could you define “later”? I need to clear my schedule.

Gingi gets up to go work her mojo on Cleavage. Michele muses, “Really, who needs porn when you can just come to a bar in the middle of the day and hang out?” Conversely, who needs bars when you can just sit home and watch porn? Life is about having choices, people.

After a few minutes of trying out pickup lines on The Cleave (“I love your shirt – what is that, cotton? How crazy is that L Word, right? Give me your number if you want to see my friend naked.”), Gingi shoots her hand up in the air and announces triumphantly, “I’ve got it covered!”

Vanessa is skeptical and wants proof. She dials the alleged number on Gingi’s phone. Cleavy’s phone starts chirping. Vanessa jokes she doesn’t hear anything. The girls laugh and turn in unison to look at Vanessa. Michele says, “We’re waiting …”

Vanessa takes her shirt off in the back of the bar and runs toward the front with her arms in the air yelling, “Wooooo!” Streaking past the girls as they scream with laughter, Vanessa keeps going and trots right out the front door.

Melissa follows her out onto the sidewalk, her baby blues politely averted from, uh, the girls. She grabs Vanessa by the waist and escorts her back inside. What’s in those drinks, anyway? I would like to buy a round for the house. Afterward, the girls walk over to a nearby hotel for dinner and a swim. Gingi holds hands with her prize as Melissa eyes them from behind. Jessica walks beside Melissa, towering over her like Kristanna Loken over Michelle Rodriguez. Jessica is the lesbian Paul Bunyan.

Dinner conversating — Dining al fresco on the hotel rooftop, Jessica decides to do some sharing.

Jessica: To me, to give to someone, is a pleasure for me. I’m more of a giver. I definitely love to give and pleasure the person more than receiving. Melissa: [head down, pushing her fork around her plate] OK … so back to that … Jessica: [to Melissa] And you should know about that. Michele: She’s really studying that salad.
Erin throws Jessica another one of her signature sideways glances. Everyone’s trying to enjoy their meal, but Jessica’s really into this line of conversating. Getting an eyeful of Vanessa’s mamms seems to have brought out the horndog out in her.
Jessica: Because she doesn’t really want to come up to the fact of what really it is.
English isn’t Jessica’s first language, is it?
Melissa: No, because I don’t really want to sit here and talk about it. Jessica: ‘Cause you’re more the squealer in the room?
TMI, dude! Check, please.

In the shallow end — After their delightful dinner, the girls change into bathing suits and go for a moonlight swim in the hotel pool. Cleavage doesn’t have a suit, so she sits in her bra, dangling her feet in the water. The Cleave and Gingi make out because it’s hard to talk about books with a girl wearing nothing but a lace bra.

Melissa and Jessica frolic in the shallow end. Jessica’s still in horndog mode and manages to get Melissa’s top off, which she twirls around in the air like a lasso. Melissa covers herself modestly. Party pooper.

After Erin, Vanessa, Michele and her girlfriend, Jenn, retreat to the adjacent hot tub, Jessica and Melissa linger in the big pool, whispering to each other. Jessica wants to go drinking with the girls but she wants to ditch Gingi and Cleavy first.

“I don’t think Gingi’s really gay,” she tells Melissa, who chuckles at the very notion it matters. Jessica says she doesn’t want to hang with fake people — because we all know bisexual girls aren’t “real.” Note to Jessica: The way Gingi and Cleavy are mashing lips looks real to me.

Melissa doesn’t want to be mean because Gingi’s on her surfing team, and furthermore, she’s Michele’s good friend. Jessica doesn’t give a rat’s ass; she wants Melissa to back her play. Melissa agrees she’s willing to get rid of Cleavy, but if Gingi has to go, that’s on Jessica to work out. Relationships make us do all kinds of icky things.

Jessica and Melissa join the others in the hot tub to work their diabolical scheme. Melissa suggests to Gingi and Cleave that they get a room; it is a hotel, after all. So, you guys go do that, and we’ll go out for a drink, m’kay?

Melissa’s powers of suggestion backfire when Gingi perks up at the idea of going out.

Gingi: I can go back and grab cocktails, like, interlude-style … Melissa: No, I mean you go do your thing. Jessica: I think we can actually all go do our own thing. Gingi: Are you trying to say that you’re done with all rooftop activities?
Gingi finally smells what Melissa and Jessica are cooking up and asks Cleavage if she wants to leave. They split, leaving everyone but Jessica and Melissa a bit confused.
Vanessa: Wait, why did Gingi leave? Jessica: If a girl’s going to pick up a random chick, and go pick up another random chick, because they’re supposed to go to some fetish club and have a bunch of random chicks … I don’t know about that.
Wait. What? When did that happen? And why are we still here taping at the pool when we should so be following Gingi to a fetish club? Damn it.

Nonplussed, Vanessa reminds Jessica it was just a fun bet and kind of cool how it played out. Melissa explains that Jessica is not a big fan of the “Gingmeister.” Jessica and Melissa decide to call it a night and leave.

Michele doesn’t think Jessica is innately evil, but “when all is said and done, Jessica does what Jessica wants” — which changes minute by minute and is rarely what anyone else wants. Melissa must have a bleeding ulcer by now.

With Jessica and Melissa gone, the others are free to gossip about them.

Michele: Well, I didn’t realize it was that bad until we were sitting here tonight. I mean, I kinda knew, but … Erin: Was Gingi saying anything? I thought it was all … Michele: Gingi hasn’t really said anything about … Gingi’s not that type that really says anything. Vanessa and Erin: No. She’s not, she’s not. Vanessa: When the time is right, you’ll catch a rat.

Road trip — Michele checks the surf report and finds some tasty waves, but they’re all in San Diego. She piles her team into her SUV, and they head out of town to get away from the drama and do some serious practicing. (Gingi’s date is nowhere to be found. Her trip to Cleave-land was a short one.)

Meanwhile, Erin and Vanessa are trying to figure out what to do with their problem child, Jessica. They resolve to take on parental roles because Jessica is never going to be the self-motivated type.

Arriving at Jessica’s pad unannounced, they want to drag her lazy ass out to practice. Sitting in Erin’s Land Rover, they toy with the idea of cutting Jessica from their team. Considering their “team” consists of only three people, it’s a bold move. Maybe Cleavage can learn how to surf in the next few weeks? She’s got built-in buoys.

Vanessa calls Jessica from the car, which is now parked outside her house. Come out and play. Jessica tells them she happens to know the other team went to San Diego. Vanessa decides they need to crash that party. Jessica also knows the girls are staying at a place called the Surfer Beach Hotel. Someone should tell Melissa she talks in her sleep.

On the way down to San Diego, Jessica suggests they spy on Michele, Melissa and Gingi.

Jessica: We have to disguise ourselves. What can we do? Vanessa: I have mustaches. Erin: [laughs] No, you do not. Vanessa: I f—ing do. Jessica: You brought them with you? Vanessa: I bring them everywhere.
Vanessa rocks. I heart Vanessa. Michele and company, having had a head start on the road trip, arrive on the beach early. Michele has a surprise for her team: She’s arranged for a surfing lesson with an instructor named Courtney, a sporty blond girl with surfy hair and big teeth.

Gingi immediately starts telling Courtney she wants to improve her technique. Michele admires Gingi’s openness to growth and learning and pats herself on the back for choosing Gingi for her team. She also thanks her lucky stars she doesn’t have to deal with Jessica.

On the sand, Courtney shows Gingi the proper technique for standing up on her board from the face-down, paddling position. The trick is to go from lying down to standing up as quickly as possible. I already know that trick. Hearing your girlfriend’s dad’s keys in the front door will do that. Just then, Team Dysfunction strolls out onto the beach. “Hey, you would think the beach is big enough for everybody else except you three bitches!” Jessica yells from 30 yards away. What Jessica lacks in coherent sentence structure, she makes up for in volume.

Erin tries to steal Michele’s instructor right out from under her: “So, Courtney, what are you doing tomorrow?”

The San Diego surf looks rougher than what the girls have been surfing back in L.A. Gingi’s goal for today is to break the bad habit of relying on her knee when it’s time to stand. Standing waist-high in the water, Michele pushes Gingi’s board from behind like a dad teaching their kid how to ride a bike. Gingi finally stands up and wobbles across the surf, riding the wave all the way out until it disappears into the sand. Yay, Gingi!

Meanwhile, Erin, Vanessa and Jessica hang out on the beach and watch Gingi’s progress. Is driving all the way to San Diego just to sit on the sand and watch the other team one of their winning strategies? Jessica is impressed in a threatened sort of way. Erin tells her she can still beat her. But I think she means with a blunt object, not at surfing.

Out on the town — Night has fallen. The girls go out to eat and throw back a round. Vanessa follows Gingi into the bathroom. Again, I ask, what is it about a restaurant bathroom that is so appealing?

It gives me an idea for a women’s bar: Make it look like a giant bathroom. The booths could be separated by metal partitions and have doors with locks that don’t work. The bar could feature toilet seats for bar stools and one-ply cocktail napkins. And we could call it “Porcelain.” Who’s with me?

Anyway. Vanessa is still bothered by the night at the hotel when Jessica tried to push Gingi and Cleavage off the roof. Gingi tries to make her way into a stall but to no avail.

Vanessa: Do you remember, um … Jessica and Melissa, like, saying, like, something about you and your date? Kind of insinuating that maybe, like, you should go?
Gingi tries to close the stall door on Vanessa, but Vanessa keeps on talking.
Vanessa: Yeah, no. I’m just saying, I thought that was kinda weird. Gingi: Yeah. [looking more and more urgent] Vanessa: Yeah, I don’t know why. But I just wanted to … eh.

Finally, Vanessa senses Gingi is about to pee her pants and lets her do her business. Gingi closes the stall door on the camera operator’s face.

On her way back from relieving herself, Gingi passes Melissa and Jessica who are walking toward the front door. Where ya going? Gingi follows them outside.

Back at the table, Michele checks in with Erin on how her team is doing. Michele is wearing a hat that makes her look like a train engineer. Vanessa listens intently as she munches on some cornbread. Erin says she has enough stress in her life, and she’s not going to let the surfing competition add to it. Unfortunately, she has a cramp with Jessica’s name on it. It’s dawning on Erin that after all these weeks, no one’s actually seen Jessica stand up on a board. She’s all talk and no surf. The only thing she might be good at is shooting off her mouth, and even then, the words tumble out back-asswards.

Out in front of the restaurant, Gingi, wearing her own silly hat and armed with new information from the bathroom, confronts Jessica and Melissa.

Gingi: It’s been brought to my attention, more than once, that you two had conspired to … Jessica: Actually, that was my idea. Gingi: Was it? Jessica: Yeah. Gingi: Why? Jessica: Honestly? That night, you were bothering me. The other night you were bothering me. I felt like OK, everything is a “one-up.” You’re always better than everybody … Gingi: You know what I think that you’re going off of? Jessica: You never let me finish! Gingi: I don’t have to let you finish, honey. Because I know what you’re going to say.
Melissa, the ambassador from Crazytown, steps in and offers Gingi the floor. Jessica is outraged her girlfriend is siding with the enemy. To punish her, she threatens to blab the not-so-nice things Melissa said about Gingi.

Nice. Throw your girlfriend under the bus. Apparently it works, because Melissa instantly shuts her yap.

In an appeal to Jessica’s ginormous and fragile ego, Gingi tells Jessica that when they first met, she thought Jessica was hot. And even though she now realizes what a big ol’ attention whore Jessica really is, for reasons unknown, she still cares what Jessica thinks. Ack, don’t appease the girl. No good can come from it.

Gingi theorizes maybe she unwittingly stole Jessica’s spotlight. And being the emotional spaz that she is, Jessica doesn’t know how to keep her head from spinning clean off.

Gingi: Really, honestly, at any other given moment, I’d be like, “You know what, sugar? You are naïve and you’re young and you have no f—ing clue what you’re talking about.” You said to me in the same sentence, “All you talk about is guys, but you portray yourself as a lesbian …”
Oh goodie. We’re back to that again.
Jessica: I’m not judging you on the aspect of something of me not knowing you.
I’m judging you on the aspect of something of you not knowing how to talk.
Gingi: I think you might be. Jessica: I’m judging you off of what I see. Gingi: Exactly. [calmly] You’re judging me. Don’t do that, honey.
During the exchange, Melissa just stands there wishing she were somewhere else. She surveys the ground and tunes out: What’s that — a nickel? These shoes make my feet look big. Why is bird poop white?

The day after — It’s morning, and the girls are just waking up. Michele, alone in one bed, has her eyes closed and a smile on her face. What’s she dreaming about, I wonder? Her girlfriend, Jenn? Angelina Jolie? A world without Jessica?

In the other bed, puffy-eyed Erin pulls out a spit-filled night guard out of her mouth and a pair of earplugs out of her ears. Erin is one sexy mofo.

She looks out the window to check the waves. There are none. She’s bummed they came all that way “to surf some 2-foot f—ing crap.” From under the sheets, someone giggles. Gingi’s awake. Surfwoman Courtney arrives on the beach where Erin, Vanessa and Jessica are waiting for her. Erin tells Courtney she wants today’s instruction to focus on Jessica. She needs more than a little one-on-one.

While Michele, Vanessa and Erin show the beginners how it’s done, Gingi practices on her own, repeating the lessons she learned yesterday. Courtney works with Jessica the same way Michele worked with Gingi, guiding her board from behind while Jessica practices popping up into a standing position.

But just as she starts to make progress, Jessica decides she’s had enough for one day, leaving Courtney holding her board. Erin watches from afar with a disapproving eye.

A bet — Gingi appears to be taking the whole surfing premise seriously. Michele is feeling pretty Gingi-rrific and approaches Erin with a proposal.

Michele: So, I’m feeling kinda confident about my little team. And I’m thinking of a bet. ‘Cause we were talking about surfboards and small-time things … Erin: You mean a prize for the contest? Michele: Mm hmm, yeah. I’m thinking that, uh, I want to go to Hawaii. Erin: Don’t we all. Michele: Yup. We pay if you win. You pay if we win. Erin: Tempting.
The lawyer in Erin sees her chance. She says that if she’s going to accept this wager, she wants to trade Jessica for Gingi. Jessica sits on her board, posing in her wetsuit like she’s waiting for a photographer from Dyke Surfer magazine. Michele eyes her and says no friggin’ way. Instead, Michele offers to trade Melissa for Vanessa, but Erin ‘s no asshat either — Vanessa’s the only thing she has going for her. Oh, well. Nice not doing business with you.

Jessica watches a guy out on the water, expertly riding the shoulder of a large wave. He does a cutback, then a fade, a floater and a bunch of other terms I just found on Wikipedia. Erin wanders over and asks, “What’s up?”

Jessica says she’s watching others surf and “getting ideas.” Sure. She’s also studying wind velocity by watching kites and learning surf safety from reruns of Baywatch.

Erin sits down and asks Jessica nicely how committed is she to the contest. Jessica knows instantly what Erin’s up to and says, “Are you kicking your own teammate out?” Erin, you might want to back up a few feet. Do have your gun in your wetsuit by any chance?

Erin offers, “It’s up to you.” They sit in uncomfortable silence and watch the tide go out.

Next week on Curl Girls Michele shares her love of yoga. Erin shares her love of guns. The girls go to a strip club. Now we’re talking.

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