A date with a guy â€” After training is over (for those who trained) the girls are relaxing on the beach. Melissa announces she has a date with a guy. Gingi gasps, "No you don’t," because that would be her territory. Melissa laughs and says her date is with a tattoo artist. She’s going to get a new one to cover up the big honking "Beatrice" splayed across her upper arm.
If you really want to undergo a bazillion needle jabs to have a picture embedded on your arm that you wouldn’t hang on your wall, that’s fine. Just don’t put anyone’s name on your body. That’s hope triumphing over reality in the worst possible way.
But if you’ve got your heart set on having a hummingbird next to your hoo-ha, go for it â€” you won’t be alone. In 50 years, old folks’ homes will be filled with fogies with faded tribal designs on their sagging, shriveled asses.
I don’t have any tattoos. I can’t even commit to a screen saver.
Melissa tells us it’s been well over 10 years, and it’s time to remove Beatrice from her life for good. The easiest (and cheapest) thing to do would probably be to add the word "who?" or "not!" or "sucks."
Michele and Gingi accompany Melissa to the tattoo parlor. Michele looks on uncomfortably as the artist traces the image of a woman in a bustier over long-gone Beatrice. She asks Melissa if her recent breakup with Jessica has anything to do with this new mission.
They broke up? Really? It didn’t have a feeling of finality or resolution. Oh, wait. Lesbian breakups never do â€” what the hell was I thinking?
Melissa laughs ironically and answers, "I mean, it came up a few times." Melissa thinks Jessica will either be happy for her because she knows she’s always wanted to do it, or she’ll be pissed that it happened after they broke up. I can’t imagine what the tattoo artist â€” who’s pretending not to listen to the dyke drama as he works â€” is thinking.
Parlor games â€” Meanwhile, Team Erin is maintaining a strict training regime by going to an ice cream parlor. Erin and Vanessa are interested in hearing more of the Jessica and Melissa saga, as are we all. We are interested, right?
Vanessa: What’s up with you and Melissa?
Erin: Yeah, what is up with that?
Jessica: I really haven’t talked to her, and it honestly made me think a lot that I do miss her company.
Back at the tattoo parlor:
Gingi: I think that it’s great you’re [covering up the tattoo] â€¦ for yourself.
Michele: How’s that feeling? So, next time you have the urge to, uh, put somebody’s name on your arm â€¦
Gingi: You might want to remember â€¦
Michele: â€¦ this moment.
Gingi: â€¦ this feeling.
Until the next cute girl comes along and this whole moment goes right out the window.
Back at the ice cream parlor:
Jessica: We were having the issue about the whole thing of her and I not being together and not having that title. And she found out I kissed another girl and everything blew off the handle.
That title being "World’s Dopiest Lesbian Couple." Yep, everything blew clean off that handle. The look on Erin’s face is priceless.
Vanessa puts it more eloquently: "Yada, yada, yada. Drama, drama, drama. Kah, kah, kah, kah." Egg-zactly.
Bored and fickle, Jessica has switched into "any storm in a lull" mode and decided she wants Melissa back. Meanwhile, Melissa lives her whole life in the "any port in a storm" mode. These two are so getting back together. Vanessa sees the train wreck ahead and says nothing, because why bother?
Spark up the grill â€” Michele is having everyone over to her house for a barbeque. She explains the difference between a gay man’s barbeque and a lesbian barbeque: A gay man would hire a bartender. At a lesbian barbeque, two lesbians will inevitably end up fighting over who gets to do the grilling. Ain’t that the truth! Get away from my Weber.
Jessica and Melissa hug tentatively; it’s the first time they’ve seen each other since their half-ass breakup. To get things started, someone asks leadingly, "Melissa, what did you do last night?"
Melissa, standing up with great fanfare, pulls off her bandage and reveals her new tat.
Jessica’s lantern jaw hangs open in awe. She’s ecstatic the ex-girlfriend’s name is gone, replaced by a half-naked chick. Melissa gushes with pride that she made Jessica so happy. Vanessa gives a monotone, sarcastic "Yay." Oh, Vanessa, I so want to hang with you.
Michele gives Vanessa instructions on how not to blow her eyebrows off while turning on her grill. Once that’s done, the meat goes on and the backyard fills with the mouth-watering, smoky aroma of beefy goodness.